All I've ever wanted

7

Camila POV: tw.

3 years later...

Pain.

I've come accustomed to the pain I live.

Alcohol seems to make it disappear for a while and then it comes right back.

Drugs help sometimes too but nothing is enough.

I wake up everyday, go to school, dance practice, homework, eat, work, and sleep. Sometimes I'm lucky if I even get to sleep.

I got a job two years ago as a dance instructor for little kids at the studio I dance at. The kids are sweet and it makes me happy that they find solitude in dancing like I once did even if it's for one hour.

Lately, everything just hurts.

My heart.

My brain.

The only thing that seems to work to take away the pain is when I cut.

I cut to feel the instant gratification of relief and then I feel guilty.

Guilty for living a life others may not be able to live.

Guilty for living without my baby.

No one knows I cut. Not even my best friends. Who I still live with in the same apartment I lost my baby in. It's a reminder every single day of what I lost.

Blood.

Blood everywhere on my bed sheets.

I didn't even know there was a baby in me until I went to the hospital and they told me I was miscarrying.

Miscarriage.

A very taboo subject but most women suffer from without even realizing it most of the time and we mistake it as a heavy flow.

Well, this was not a heavy flow. This was a crime scene.

Only the girls know I was pregnant.

No one knows.

Not even he who should not be named.

The asshole.

Who broke my heart and didn't even look back to see if I was okay.

These three years have been hell for me.

I got better, I lost a lot of weight, I got a full sleeve tattoo and I
experimented with women and men, sometimes at the same time too.

I know I know I know, I'm a bit of a freak now.

I have lots of consensual sex.

I am in fact bisexual but I favor men.

I haven't had a boyfriend since my ex Ryan in high school.

After the miscarriage, I haven't bothered to be with someone in a serious way again.

And that's okay. I've been working on myself.