Call Me Blade✔

Twenty-six: Better Person?

Melissa calls out to me as I walk past the living room towards the front door. I turn to her, looking at her expectantly. "Can you come here, please?"

I hesitantly walk towards her, clutching Faith closely. She doesn't seem drunk or high but that doesn't mean anything. She can still be cruel when sober.

"Hi..." she starts awkwardly, looking unsure of what to say. "I know I've been a shitty guardian, and not the best aunt to you these past years." She takes a deep breath. "I've put you and her," she looks at Faith, her eyes full of emotion. "in harm's way. I-" her voice cracks and she curses before clearing her throat. "I'm going to rehab."

I stare at her, shocked at her words.

She inhales deeply again. "Yes. I'm leaving later today. I've got a sponsor and everything." She gives what I think is supposed to be a reassuring smile. "I'm going to get better. I'm going to beat this sickness and be better to you. Both of you."

I simply nod, not really believing what she's telling me. I don't mean to be pessimistic but I don't actually believe she can get better.

Maybe she'll prove me wrong.

But I doubt it.

If having a baby wasn't enough to set her straight or at least give her enough reason to try then I don't know what else will.

"Okay," she says with a soft sigh. "Have fun at school."

The encouragement almost made me laugh. Fun at school? Maybe when my parents come back to life. Maybe if Farrah shows up on our doorstep. Maybe if the world magically became a better place.

I nod again, giving her a wave before turning to leave. The entire walk to school I think about what Melissa told me.

Rehab?

That's such a big realization to have. It must have to do with Todd almost beating the life out of her these past two times. She has needed help for years, but I never thought she would actually get it. I'm glad for her, but I don't feel too confident it'll stick.

However, if she gets better, maybe we can mend whatever is left of our tarnished relationship.

Maybe Faith will finally get the mother she deserves. Maybe I can finally live at the house in peace. Maybe it can finally be home.

*****

I'm more of a mess than usual today with the news from Melissa. It feels like I'm in limbo. I'm happy she's gone but I just can't let myself believe it'll be okay.

If she gets better what then? How do you even begin to fix the life that we have? How can I ever trust her? I can't handle her if she relapses. How do I keep her on the straight and narrow? Will she even try?

I sigh deeply, feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I just want to scream.

Classes breeze by, probably because I'm barely paying attention. As the end of the year looms in the distance, tensions are high with college applications, and begging teachers for extra credit. Not for me. I was in the green, despite missing so many classes. How I managed that is beyond me. The school probably won't have me march with everyone else because of so many absences but I don't care about that. As long as I don't have to be here for summer classes.

I'm not an exceptional student but I never thought my life would be exceptional enough to live anyways so I'm okay with mediocrity.

As long as I graduate, I couldn't care less about which grades I got.

I spent most of the day jumping from feeling hopeful to feeling doom. I want to think about the future and if it can be a good one but I'm tired of being disappointed. It's easy to count all the things that can go wrong.

Melissa not completing rehab and coming back worse than before.

Todd coming back in our lives and Melissa telling him Faith is her daughter.

There's more that can go wrong than right.

When walking down the hall at the end of the day, I'm called into the guidance counselor's office and panic siezes me immediately. Just want I needed for an already distressing day.

The nice woman greets me, her eyes filled with kindness as she asks me to sit down.

"I notice you've missed several days of school," she begins. I don't answer. She'll realize soon enough that I don't talk. She puts a pen and paper down in front of me. "You've got about 13 days missing this year and if you exceed 15 you won't be able to march with your peers for graduation or attend prom."

I don't care about either of those things. I just want to get out of here. I can feel my heart rate pick u, and having a panic attack in front of the guidance counselor will only raise more suspicion.

She sighs. "Okay. You're not going to tell me anything. Not even in writing. Please know that my office is always open to you." She looks me in my eye. "I'm here to help."

I nod, hoping she'll let me leave now. She bids me goodbye and I have to force myself not to run out of her office.

****