Call Me Blade✔

Eleven: Taste of Release

The past few days have been rough. My mental health has taken a dip and my depression is at an all time low. Stress is piling on, and I barely have any motivation to even pretend to care much less actually try.

Now that Dustin and I have parted ways, things feel duller somehow. I see him in the hallways at school, but I make a show of ignoring him. I need everything to stay how I know it to be. No surprises. No new elements. The days meld together in a mundane blur just how I expect them to.

I grunt quietly when I'm harshly shoved into my locker. Alice and her friends laugh as they walk by, acting overly amused by my suffering. Just like it always is.

Only five more months of small town torture before moving on to worse things.

Great.

I just want it to all be over.

****

The strong stench of alcohol foretold the events of the evening before I even closed the door behind me. I already knew it would be a long night.

Breathing in, I hold Faith closer to me, bracing myself for Melissa's other side.

There she is: drunk and angry, talking unintelligibly to herself. I try going undetected to my room, but she sees me.

"You!" she screams, pointing at me, the bottle she threw shatters against the wall behind me, giving Faith a startle. The now crying baby causes my anxiety to rise.

"For the love of god, shut that baby up!" Melissa's shouting does nothing to help soothe Faith, and only causes her to get more riled up.

I rock her, patting her back as I begin to walk away.

"I'm not done with you," Melissa seethes, yanking my bag almost causing me to fall. I slip Faith off my front, quickly setting her down in hopes of preventing her from getting hurt.

Melissa points her finger in my face. I take a deep breath, expecting her to assault me but she insults me instead.

"You've ruined my life," she cries, pushing me. I stumble back, managing to keep myself upright. "Nothing but pain has followed you! You're cursed!" She knows exactly what to say to break me. "Farrah would still be here if it wasn't for you!" And she's right. "Now I'm stuck with you! I wish you'd die."

If only she knows how much I wish that too.

She takes a swig from another bottle, crying out as she collapses on the couch. I stay still, internalizing her words as they cut fresh wounds in my heart. I clench my jaw to keep the sobs trapped in my throat. Faith is crying still, and my heart breaks more.

I can't do anything right.

Crouching down, I pick her up and take her upstairs. I rub her back as I pace my room until she falls asleep. After placing her gently in her bed, my mind wanders to the glass case under my bed filled with 10 different options.

I could do it right now. I'd be doing everyone a favor. No one would miss me. I have no one. 

I stare at the knife case, brushing my fingers over the smeared glass. Opening the case, I pick up the smallest blade, and press it against my skin and watch the blood dribble down my arm. I swallow a sob, afraid I'll wake up Faith if I cry too loud.

I could cut a bit deeper. One deep vertical cut is all I need, and I can be free. My eyes drift up to where Faith lay sound asleep, and my stomach churns with guilt.

I can't leave her alone here. She deserves better than Melissa. She deserves better than me. I swallow my cries that have been trying to claw themselves out, my throat feeling dry. Inhaling deeply, I put the knife down and closed the case. The best I can do is give myself a taste of release.

****