INFINITY...? 1-the tragedy

8. MY DEAREST FRIEND

alizeh khan, if i had to describe her in one word than i'd say "pure". her smile, her personality, her intentions, her behaviour... she was so much of an ideal girl for this siddharth, he needs that bubbly nature to be a part of his life to let him see how pain can be treated as pleasure. aliz's mom died when she was too small, her problem was also the same which i and sid shared. she grew up with her maternal family and is truly an epitome of what i say "smiling in storm."

sid should be with a girl like her and not me who still have suicidal thoughts. i can just be a friend to him. though there was something in me which said that sid won't stay here for a long time but i knew he wanted to stay. sid enjoyed aliz's company cus it make him feel lively. she quite reflected his life's biggest problem but in a lot matured version and that's what makes her eligible to actually get close to my friend.

"did you figured out a way?" sid broke my chain of thoughts.

"yes bhai, i'm trying to find ways to get you guys together. infact i was thinking about you only."

"thinking nahi sisto, i want actions. bring yourself with an idea already or you'll get a good punishment."

"huhh, does it look like i'm afraid of YOU? hahaha"

"hehehe, yes. you believe it or not, you are afraid of me little mouse." 

yes siddharth, i'm afraid of so many things. lizards, ghosts, darkness, my family shattering into pieces, my sister's abandoning me, my sister's going too far away from me that i won't be able to see them every morning, you forgetting me, yours or my sisters smile fading away and you actually falling for someone else, i'm afraid of them all. i wish i'd have told you last night that aliz is not someone you should be with, that you should look for someone...

DHVANI, what the hell are you thinking. how can you even be this selfish? sid trust you, you cannot brainwash him like that. i can't believe it's you who just thought that, i'm so disappointed. see, this is why he should date her and not you, you cannot even control your thoughts and inspite of all, he is sid, SIDDHARTH KOTADIYA, son of a business man, the popular guy of class, bubbliest and most desirable boy out there and try to look for yourself, DHVANI PANDYA, a girl who's depressed asf, have the ugliest appearance in the whole class, got this deep dark circles and blemishes on her face and does nothing but just trying to kill herself every second day. you are a fucking useless piece of shit and you were literally trying to get there? with sid kotadiya? seriously, what an idiot you are. never tell this to anyone d, they'd laugh like crazy, even siddharth and let everything else be aside, don't you see his smile, that pink tint on his cheeks. he likes her, get that shit inside your head. HE LIKES HER, you are JUST A FRIEND. now no more siddharth thoughts, just do what he asked you to do and then leave him because you're supposed to die and not to do this. remember our plan? sid is just a distraction and all you need to do is attempt a suicide so that your parents finally know how much of "bad parents" they are, so that everyone know that you're actually affected by this thing and that you are fine, you are not nalayak or kaamchor, you are just screaming inside, asking for help to everybody but nobody seems to be caring for you, not even your sisters or sid, you better end this by ending yourself, don't get distracted by sid. come on, back to thinking of ways to bring them close. 

tears filled my eyes when i was thinking about this but no one seemed to notice, "my dearest friend" was so lost in his new crush and her thoughts while my sisters were busy celebrating his happiness. i knew i'm not someone they should cry for but please look at me, i want help, i'm panicking again. I FEEL LIKE I'M DYING, I FEEL THE GROUND UNDER ME SLIDING THROUGH AND I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING FROM ME IS GETTING PULLED OUT, I'M SITTING IN A VAN FULL OF ALMOST THIRTY STUDENTS AND NOBODY IS NOTICING A GIRL WHO'S FIGHTING HER BREATHES RIGHT NOW, I'VE TRIED ASKING FOR HELP MANY TIMES BEFORE THIS BUT NOBODY EVEN HELPED AND INSTEAD THEY MADE FUN OF ME, WHAT SHOULD I DO, WHERE SHOULD I GO. NO ONE SHOULD SEE ME LIKE THIS, NO, THEY'LL LAUGH AT ME. 

"mouse?" sid called me... "pass me my bag. school is about to come." he came closer after saying this and whispered something that only i could hear, "thank you for asking me who she is, if it was not you, i won't even consider my thoughts at first place. thank you for being my best friend." i could feel myself calming down when he came closer, i could feel my heartbeat getting normal, i gave him his bag and turned another side to calm myself. 

thank you siddharth, i don't know why i'm feeling all this for you but you are the boy i respect the most and i'd try my best from now onwards to not think any bullshit about you, I WON'T FALL FOR YOU. this friendship has to be best one of my life, I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO, I WILL ALWAYS HOLD ONTO YOU, EVEN IF YOU CHALLENGE ME WITH MY LIFE, I WILL STILL CHOOSE YOU... "PROMISE", "I SWEAR ON YOU, I'LL NEVER EVER LET YOU LEAVE ME."