INFINITY...? 1-the tragedy

17. A BATTLE WITHIN

DEAR DIARY,

wise words from a wiser dhvani, EVERY ENDING IS A NEW BEGINNING. for whatever it'd serve me in the future, I wish to drop these words here because since my efforts to stay away from Mr. kotadiya were discovered to be successful, I found a best friend in my diary.

that night when i was filled with old memories and pain, i decided to give a second thought to my feelings about sid. he might be an understanding and caring person but as much as i need him, i should avoid him in any circumstances. the entire drama between us would end up in a nightmare. i vowed to myself to be far from love as much as i could, i made a decision to seek for a match only when i'm quite too far from this family and from this chaos for the sake of my relationship because one thing i knew for sure was, NO LOVE STORY IN MY FAMILY WOULD BE ALLOWED TO STAY BLISSFUL, it was like if we were cursed to feel the pain of broken hearts. the things my father did to my mother were definitely to be paid, in one way or another, everyone who hushed, would scream in pain, her pain, which she kept silenced in her tears.

if karma won't, then i will. i might have not done anything for my mumma and might not even look forward to it, but whatever was said and done to those little girls has to be undone.

i knew i need help right now but i chose to not get any.

i tried my best but couldn't find that one reason which i promised which would take me back to him. nothing enough for me to hold on to my love. my fears outweighed my affection. i would still daydream and overthink everything about him and about us but the realisation of my dark side stopped me.

for sid i want nothing less than a world full of happiness while i, am nothing more than a crumbled leaf.

it is surely killing me to keep it like this but i am left with no option. the battle is between a thing i've stored within me since years and a thing that's not returned to me for even half of my energy invested.

sid's care, weirdness, questions, everything is beautiful but i can't see it clear. for a person like him, it's so simple to show affection to somebody and to love somebody even after seeing their flaws but to distinguish between a kind of love and affection, it require a certain action, some words. words that clarify the situation but more importantly make you remember the investment they are making into you. something we term as loving someone, is not just merely actions or words or feelings, it is all of them combined.

to choose to love someone, one need a certain amount of assurance that you're not paying your self respect along with your energy BECAUSE WHEN YOU ARE TRULY IN LOVE, THE FIRST THING YOU KNOW IS, 'YOU MATTER'.

I spent weeks deciding what i was doing was right or not until i resumed showing off my fondness.

Siddharth's frustration would often turn into anger and result into a fight between both of us which we would resolve within a matter of days and still repeat the same.
There was no commitment, no promise, nothing left between us. My fairytale love story seems to have finished before a real beginning.

Was that all? Is that what my first love is supposed to be?

I got scared when this line came to my mind. End! Is that what it meant when I saw him for the first time.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breathe down my neck and exhaled it through my mouth.

LOVE, for all I have ever learnt from my parents relationship was, LOVE IS NOT SOMETHING THAT YOU FEEL, A FEELING CAN FADE, CAN GET BLURRED BY TIME, IT IS NOT SOMETHING PERMANENT BUT WAS IS, IS A DECISION, A CHOICE. My mama chose to stay, to love my dad even when it costed her everything. What I know about her is that, she is a strong woman, definitely not someone who would give a second thought about fighting for her self and her children, a lady braver than the tides of ocean. But she chose to give up her life for something she thought is more important as a human. She knew she would never unlove my father and that did not symbolize any weakness or pain but just a fact that she would never unlove him.
I might not understand the good behind it but I've heard her talking about HOPE, A THIN STRING THAT BINDS TWO PEOPLE TOGETHER WHEN THEY'RE SHATTERED WITHIN.
Papa had this thing developed in him when he saw his father turning into an alcoholic and his mum taking over the family, selling soaps and risking herself in this male dominated world.
Being deprived of both parent's love and boundaries, he digested everything with whatever was the easiest way for him to understand.
The men who used to see his mom as an object when she tried being nice to them, imprinted an evil figure for that entire kind which he borrowed and turned into. Bullies which he faced as a child, made him into a pessimist himself and also a believer in everything being so dark and bad.
Maybe all he wanted for my mom was to be safe and all his actions were out of anger he didn't knew what to do with, but do they still justify them?

One after another I questioned myself and kept answering myself for all I was finding was one good reason which would allow me to go back to what was the best moment of my life, loving Siddharth.
I fell for his name. Have never heard of a word so beautiful. Never seen a creature so breathtaking.

I fear losing you but what I fear more is losing myself while begging to you because even if I stop loving you someday, I would not survive my life hating you.

For all good things that love bring, I'm thankful it brought me YOU.