INFINITY...? 1-the tragedy

16. A NIGHT UNFORGETABLE

wrapped in my own thoughts of wisdom i returned back to my house with my family after spending a couple days on my dad's weird adventure. 

throughout the journey, i kept thinking about just one thing and that was not siddharth but what my parent's told that day about him. 

why were they even supposed to bring him into a discussion? and what made my dad think that siddharth would turn into a beast husband like him and mr. chirag in future? just because he look like his dad doesn't signify my dad's opinion on him but how did he came to this conclusion and my mumma seems to be agreeing to it. sid was already home, kotadiyas left the town the next day of that scandal right after we did. i decided to go see siddharth and study him to bring myself some grip about this whole 'inheriting the toxic trait' drama.

siddharth was all dancing and enjoying like normal. the duality he don to cover his pain made me question his personality. SOMEONE WHO CAN DRINK THEIR OWN TEARS CAN NOT BE TRUSTED. that person had either gone through a LOT or is a big psychopath. 

ughh, this is all too confusing, what the hell am i even doing. i mean look at this super cute face dhvani, does he look like a psychopath, seriously? 

i went back home and saw my mom's fascino parked there. 

"i might not be big enough to understand mr. confusion, but i'm surely old enough to learn how to drive."

the amount of confidence i had while sneaking out the keys and the bike from our house was all in the floor when i actually started the engine. i took that bike to the garden attached to my house to save myself from getting hurt and from coming to everyone's eyes as nobody rather than my friends came here. as sid and my sisters are at his place, i have my space.

the bigger reason was, "maybe siddharth would laugh at me if he see me struggling with a silly bike (not silly as a bike but for me who is a noob!!!!)." i knew i was looking like an idiot trying to figure out the bike because i didn't even knew what button is used for what. ughhh, i'm crying, i'm screaming. what an unfortunate day it is.

not too much of the complaint until it got more unfortunate. sid actually came there and that too not alone, viren was also with him. i tried my best to run away from that place just to avoid them in case they'd make fun of me.

they saw me running away and sid shouted my name suggesting me to stop. i shrivelled and stopped.

"why were you running away?" he asked me in a firm voice.

"i thought you'd laugh at me", i said in a low, soft voice with my eyes on the ground.

he answered me with a question, in a very humble voice as if he sensed my awkwardness, "why would i laugh? want me to teach you?"

i was about to cry when he shouted but he seems to have controlled the situation very well. 

i sat on the seat and he told me about the basics of driving, all the buttons, how to begin, what to take care of, everything. unlike last time, he took his duty quite more responsibly. he made me start the engine and holded the vehicle from one side, he made viren hold it from the other side and ensured that both of them have a tight grip over it, in case i end up in the trees or a wall. 

siddharth stood on the right side of vehicle giving me every piece of advice he knew until i was quite confident in myself to ride down the halfway on the main street. 

sid ran behind me and kept giving lectured on driving a bike until he knew i'd ride it safely. he pampered me and assured my safety very well.

"you have to be safe", he said. i looked straight into his eyes.

only i know how much i controlled my tears while all that happened. all this years of suicide attempts all i wanted was someone to make me feel like they care about me. as if i play an important role in their lives, important enough for them to cry every night if i won't be with them anymore.

i remember when there was one usual horrifying night where my dad was being a monster to mummy and making her beg for her life. the voices of belt shredding her skin and her screams when the cigar burned her was echoing the room. he said every cruel thing she would not wish to hear but today was a day for me, i was unfortunate enough to not being sleeping tonight. probably the biggest mistake i've made in my life.

"you and this three young girls who'd grow up to be sluts like you are the unluckiest people in my life." sliding a stroke of his leather belt on her skin, "everyday you want food, you want clothes, you want money, you want books, you want everything, how should i get them?" he didn't stopped for a second, with every word coming out his mouth, that belt would hit her for countless times as if she's not a human, not even an animal, he was tearing her flesh like someone chopping off a dead mutton, reluctantly. her screams, her pleads, her entire life was nothing to him. she kept on begging and he kept on wounding her. "you know what, i'll sell this girls. you spend a lot, so you'll earn it now. when you and your girls will earn money only than you'll know what value it holds. from tonight onwards all of you will sleep with men, when you'll happen to see a man's power, only than you will understand how a woman should obey men. just because i offer you shelter and food, you happen to forget your status."

SELL US? what did my father just said? providing food and shelter for your own kids has to be such a burden for a man that he decides to sell his daughter. i stopped breathing i remember, i had my first panic attack that night, every word spoken that night still echo in my head. the way my mother was raped brutally that night to compensate our virtue will always remain imprinted in my head. A NIGHT, I DO NOT WISH TO REMEMBER, NOR DO I WISH TO FORGET IT. the reason why i developed all this fake me was that one night which changed my whole life.

MY DAD.... MY MOM, i couldn't save her even after knowing what was happening to her. i was the eldest of us three and should have gone their to save her when i realized what she was surviving, i could have protested but just because of my mere weakness or i'd say laziness to fight or maybe some fear, i stayed there. i kept my mouth shut and didn't ever came forward, not even to wipe her tears. i kept hiding it that i heard that and dragged myself into this endless loop of guilt and disappointment which filled my head with voices saying that i'm unworthy and a disgrace, saying that i should end this life and END IT ALL.