Tears | [BoyxBoy] | English

41

After going back home with Yeheni, I felt like I was living with a dead body. She didn't talk. The banter as usual had eluded her and she spent the day staring blankly into the distance. As Yeheni had stopped even eating, I did not feel free to leave the house even for work. I knew that if my father's business collapsed due to my carelessness, both Yeheni and I would be homeless. While thinking of a solution, I suddenly remembered Yeheni's real mother who came six years ago. I dug through Shanalka's old books, thinking that if I could find her phone number I would be able to give Yeheni to her.

Reading his diaries made me dizzy because so many things he wrote reminded me of his smile. No matter how much suffering he had gone through, he was in school twenty-four hours with a smile on his face. I couldn't stop thinking of Mehansa as I read Shanalka's view about Yeheni's childhood abuse. However, there is no doubt that Shanalka was a better caring brother than me. He had managed to keep Yeheni alive for twenty-one years. Again I was tempted to wonder why I couldn't do it because we had both been through similar periods of time.

'What do you do?' I quickly closed the diary and looked at her when I heard Yeheni's dry voice behind me.

Her eyes were dead, but she was looking at me with a beguiling expression.

'Mm.. nothing. I was looking for something.' I replied.

'What are you looking for after reading my brother's old diaries?' She sat beside me and kept Shanalka's diaries on her lap. I just stared at her without saying anything.

Yeheni turned the pages of the book with her fingertips and drew a long sigh. 'It's been a year since he left me.'

I did not answer. Yeheni glanced at me. 'A lot of things happened that you don't know.'

Her eyes showed that my silence tired her. I let out a long sigh. 'I'm very sorry.'

Yeheni put the few books back in the drawer and closed it. 'I don't like you looking for things you don't know. The only thing that happens when we look for them is that things move away from us.'

'What is the meaning of that?' I inquired.

Yeheni held out her right hand to me without saying anything. There was a white cut mark near her wrist.

'I did this on the day Mehansa died. I could not get rid of the fact that Mehansa died because of my mistake. I cut my right hand and remember that. Every time I see that cut road now, I remember her. I wish I hadn't asked her what her problems were. Maybe she should have taken the time to tell me that. The more I hurried, the faster she left me. All the dreams I had about holding her hand and watching a movie were shattered because of something I saw on TV early in the morning. Six or seven years later, my brother left me in the same way. I finally lost the two people I loved the most. All that happened because of people who came to search for the past. I like to bury the past because of that.'

It was the first time she had spoken for so long since the child's death. As I had no answer to give, I waited in silence. Yeheni resumed her speech.

'People say everything is gonna be fine. When my mother raped me when I was eleven years old, I did not understand what it was. But it hurt me a lot. I have been waiting for years since then for everything to be okay. Eleven years have passed and nothing has gone well. I lost my ayya. The girl I loved is gone. And then I lost the child I had been carrying with pain for ten months. In the end, you are the only one I have. You lost your freedom because of me. I wanted to die. I still want to die. I still wonder how much things could have changed if I hadn't been there. If I hadn't been there you could have been happy with the boy you wanted.'

'Nangi?' I said startled by her last sentence.

Yeheni's look at me made my whole body writhe in pain.

'I don't care about you. I like you. I don't regret the decision to marry you at all. The other thing is, do you know that Mehansa was happy before she died because of you? She used to talk about you when she came home.'

Yeheni added a long sigh to the air. 'I wish she had. But life doesn't always give us what we want.'

I remembered the words of Nethil's father Nathan. 'But we get a second chance.'

Yeheni didn't look at me. She scraped her thigh with her fingertips, leaving deep red marks on her thigh.

'I think...' she said after a moment. 'It would be better if I go and start my designing course again. I want to forget everything.'

I placed my hand gently on her head. 'Nangi, do what feels good to you. I'm here.'

Yeheni smiled awkwardly. 'I will not die. I can't die. My brother wanted to see me wearing a nice dress and being on the front page of a newspaper.'

'You are beautiful anyway.' I said honestly.

'Mehansa is more beautiful than me. Her eyes...' I looked at Yeheni as she said.

'Am I ugly?' When I finally jokingly asked her, she raised an eyebrow and looked at me.

'No, you are not ugly. But you have to ask someone who is not a lesbian. All I can say is you're cute.'

'A lot of people say I look like a girl.' I let out the words slowly.

Yeheni examined me. 'Just a little.'

'I like it. Being like a girl.' I said honestly.

Yeheni opened the door. 'That means you're bottom. My ayya tops.'

'Isn't it obvious?'

'If Mehansa was there, she tops.' Yeheni said seriously.

I looked at her with a surprised look. 'You look more boyish and stubborn than her. Mehansa looks so innocent.'

'But she tops! She is like a silent boss.' Yeheni said with a cheeky smile.

I could picture Yeheni holding Mehansa's hand. I wondered again how much things would have changed if Shanalka and Mehansa had been alive. But now that I think about it, I won't get them again, so I look up at Yeheni.

'I'm glad that I have you.' I said.

Yeheni smiled. 'I'm also happy that I'm not alone and at least I have you.' 

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TEARS

2022. 08. 06