pied piper

39 | Backstabber

Music rec : Backstabber by ke$ha

unedited
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Slides of crisp sunlight cascaded on the shiny roofs of the cars, managing to sneak their way through the transparent glass of the window but touch my heavy head which rested against it, trying to make the most out of the remaining coolness of the dawn.

I forced my eyes open, my heart going through another painful round of throbbing and clenching in enmity, not knowing whether the dizziness was due to another approaching anxiety attack or the scarcity of any rest the night prior.

My eyes set on the school building and I gasped lowly, the abhorrence towards the particular place seemed pronounced today, breath hitching right in my chest before I could manage to take the first proper gust of air today, my feet already on the move as I hurried to get inside the school building, my heart drumming violently against my body in a rapid manner despite the exhaustion obvious in my tired body.

The exam was here.

And it was today.

Because I hadn't given it much stress, thought and importance until now, it had only hit me yesterday night and with an-almost heart failure due to a lethal panic attack, I immediately got into work— studying, studying and studying, emptying out a month's worth of coffee stash for an all-nighter spent in studying the chapters that weren't meant for my grade, not now, not until a good 5 years.

Maybe not ever.

Because I damn near am gonna fail this exam.

But in order to achieve the best, you need to work the best.

I suppressed a yawn as a wave of tremble went down my spine. Despite the fact I had so so much time to prepare, I had only really spent one serious night bracing myself from all distractions and concentratedly studying.

My head throbbed with pain, sensing the origin of a lethal migraine approaching as I grimaced at the sound of the taunts that my conscience mercilessly hurled at me, beginning to sound much like my parents.

You had so much time to study and yet you did what you're good at, being a fucking loser…

How could you…

How could I…

Lose the only thing that held importance in my name, that added value to my title.

My head hung low in utter shame, the universe playing its cards on me as I didn't even have the opportunity to see Mr. Jeon as he happened to leave the country urgently but go overseas due to an emergency, divesting me from having him use his charms of wisdom and encouragement on me… console me from the absolute mess that I had become overnight.

That's where I stopped but attempted to take a long breath, a sigh of sheer contempt and odium for myself escaping out my mouth instead.

Even if he was here… what would I really tell him? That all the confidence and trust he had blindly put in me, that the efforts and time he had benevolently spent on me were all in vain…? That it was all just a big mistake?

That I was a mistake?

No, I couldn't do that.

Finally, I had someone to turn to when I was expected to stay strong and high all the damn time, when in reality I was always terrified of it, with whom I could share and show my vulnerabilities, who didn't judge me for my insecurities or the way I terribly handled myself.