Amile The Queen

Chapter Forty-Eight

***Amile Gumede***

The doctors walked in with long faces and I knew what to expect. Nkosi just sat there with his head buried in his hands throughout their whole speech of how its not the end of the world and that it possible to try again. I even counted the amount of times they said I'm sorry for your loss, that's how uninterested I was in what they had to say.
"We have scheduled an appointment for you to get your uterus cleaned of any clots tomorrow so we will keep you over night." He can see that I'm not listening, why is he still talking?
I wipe my tears and turn my body to the other side. I don't know how I feel. I don't know whether to be glad that it died before I knew about it, or hurt because I just lost a whole human being.
Trust me, having a baby was the last thing on my mind, but it still is the most heart wrenching, souls breaking thing to experience. Whether a I wanted it or not, losing a life hurts.
I stiffle a sob as the image of the blue creature lying in that toilet bowl creeps up in my mind. I say it's a creature because no human looks like that. The deformed shape of what looks like legs, the arms. That is the one image I will never be able to get out of my mind.
I feel incomplete, like a part of me has painfully ripped from me and I can't get it back. This is the worst feeling ever. I hate it, I wish I didn't have to feel it on my own. I wish I could give half of it to someone else, so maybe they can also understand.
Nkosi can't even face me. He can't even look at me. Is he doing this because he knows that there is a possibility that the child could've been his? The doctor said I was 8 weeks in. I was just about to finish my second month. I'm such a bitch. I'm a married woman, I just lost my first child and instead of grieving fully, I'm here thinking about who could be the father. I'm even afraid to call Bayede. The last thing I want is for him to ruin his holiday with MaMzobe. He needs it.
And Nkosi. Why is he sitting there like be doesn't hear me crying? Like I'm being ridiculous for feeling pain.
"Nkosi are you just going to sit there and listen to me cry?" I asked through tears and snot.
He lifted his head and his eyes were inflamed, veins popping on his forehead and his jaw was tightened as if he was holding back tears.
"What do you want me to say?" His voice is hoarse, like he was involved in a screaming match.
I don't know why I'm taking out my frustrations on him, its not his fault the baby died, but I'm mad, I'm broken, and he's the only person close enough that I can't take this out on.
"I lost a baby. Not a bag or cellphone, a fucking human being and all you can do is just sit there?"
He stood up and walked to me.
"It could've been yours Nkosi, it could've been your baby and I lost it. I killed my child." By then I was pressed up against his chest and he was rubbing my back as I poured my heart out in tears.
"The baby wasn't mine Amile." This is the last thing I want to hear right now.
"Nkosi, you can't run away from that fact that we had sex, twice not once. That's how babies are made, you can't tell me that you are standing here denying the possibility when all you should be doing is comforting me, being there for me."
"There is no possibility. It's not mine." I looked at him in utter shock. I can't believe him. I actually can't.
"I had a vasectomy. I can't have children. I don't ever want to have children. So there was no possibility of it being mine. It was your husband's." Saying that pained him, you could see it in his eyes, especially when he couldn't hold eye contact with me.
Couldn't he have just not told me all of that. Or maybe just put it away and say it later when I'm not hurting like this. If it were in another situation, I would be glad. But there is nothing to be glad about, the baby died, I saw the lifeless body in the toilet bowl and I know that I will never recover from this ever again.
"I'm calling your husband to come back." He said attempting to walk further away from me. I pulled him back using his t-shirt.
"Don't you dare do that Mandlenkosi, don't you." I warned.
He didn't listen to me. He took out his phone and started pressing it. I got up and tried to pull it out of his hands.
"Don't call him." The waterworks are starting all over again.
Now we are fighting over the phone, but he's obviously stronger than me. He succeeded in pulling it out of my hands and I plopped my body back on the bed and just cried in defeat.
I don't want him here. I don't even want him to know. He doesn't deserve this, not when he has so many burdens.
I sob even louder when I hear Nkosi talking to him.
"Bhuti you need to come home. MaGumede is in hospital." He was looking at me. I could feel his eyes piercing my back. I sobbed even louder.
He walked out and I heard another pair of footsteps walking into the ward a second later. It was a nurse. They told me to calm down but nothing in this world was going to make me calm down. Before I knew it, she injected something in my IV line and I felt drowsy. Fuck them all!