Amile The Queen

Chapter Sixty-Six

***Amile Gumede***

The funeral went by smoothly. The media was able to respect our privacy and let us have the burial in peace as we had promised a memorial service for the masses. As hard as it was, I had to be the one giving out all those instructions, addressing and briefing everyone about what would be going on because no one else was strong enough to do it. Not even my mother helped.
MaMzobe is a mess. I think she’s losing her mind. Mandlenkosi is also not taking it well, he’s been coming to my room and asking me to talk to him so I can distract him from thinking about it. I also think he’s losing his mind. Vukani is still not talking to anyone; that’s one person I’m really concerned about. All the boys haven’t spent time with their father in a long time. If I’m not mistaken, they last saw him when he was at that trip with them, and that was before I lost Mfihlakalo. It’s been over two weeks. They are never going to heal from this, especially Vukani. I’m worried about him.
There’s a massive frame tent erected in the yard. I had to hire catering and all those other things to organize all the other things. Nambitha also came and she has been helping me so much, I appreciate her. I need to go though, and I don’t want anyone to see me because if they do, they will start asking me endless questions that I don’t have the answers to. I still need to save my calmness for the media, I know they are going to test my patience today.
I climb in his van and drive out the yard. It doesn’t smell like him anymore, I think that is because bhut’ Langalethu has been using it to run errands the past two days. I know I gave him a hard time at first, but he’s been very helpful. He was the one who dug out both graves, his and the one Banzi would be buried in. He also bought all the cows and he was the one speaking to the ancestors. I wasn’t really involved there, I didn’t want to. I put it all in the hands of the real family members. The elephant in the room, which is the talk of our wedding is still to be addressed, but we both came to an in-discussed mutual agreement to let it slide until Banzi has been buried.
It’s drizzling as I drive through the cemetery. The clouds have gathered in the sky. It always rains on the 31st, its nothing new. I park at the bottom and I make my way up by foot, passing all the other graves. He was buried next to Mfihlakalo, I hope they are together wherever they may be, I hope MaNdlela is happy that her son has finally come to her.
There is someone sitting on the soil in front of his grave. It’s still pilled up high, he was only buried yesterday morning, it’s still fresh. As I draw closer, I realize that it is MaMzobe sitting there. I can tell from the black mourning clothes. We are both the widows dressed in black, it’s not hard to miss us.
She’s sobbing, sitting on the literal floor playing with the soil. I’m still wondering how she got here. Unlike me, I stole a car, no one knows that I am able to drive, I will be the last suspect, until they realize that I’m not home. But how did she get here without anyone seeing?
“I gambled with you feelings and your life Banzi, I’m sorry.” she says burying her head in her dirty hands.
I stood there and folded my arms across my chest. Throughout all this time, I’ve been the only one who was able to put aside all the things she did, only for the sake of giving our husband a dignified funeral, but that doesn’t mean I forgot.
She is the reason for Banzi’s long term unhappiness. She’s responsible for pain he felt long before I came into the picture, she forced the throne onto him without wanting it, and now the repercussions are hurting her more than any of us because of the guilt she feels.
I miss him. I miss hearing his voice, I miss talking to him. Coming here doesn’t make it better because just like MaMzobe, I’ll be talking to sand. The earth can’t answer me. I long to hear his voice again, and touch his hand, or put my ear against his chest and hear his heart beating whenever I call him Bayede. I miss him and I haven’t felt it this strongly, but now that I’m here, I know I do.
I’ve been so immersed in trying to get through this, his burial and giving him a proper send off that I didn’t take the time to sit and think what my life is going to be like now that he isn’t here. This is the last thing I expected to go through when I first arrived here, it’s not a feeling I ever dreamed of feeling. I didn’t think the time where I would miss him would come.
I wipe the tears as they trickle down my face and I go to crouch next to MaMzobe who’s still sobbing on her lap.
“Ma.” she lifted her head and looked at me. Her eyes were bloodshot.
“I was here to apologize.” she said wiping the tears off her cheeks. She got sand all over her face.
I used my scarf to remove it and that only seem to make her break down.
“I’m sorry.” I said and put my hand on her back.
I understand what she is going through. Losing a loved one hurts.
“I should be here, not my Banzi.” she sobbed.
I just kept quiet. I didn’t know what to do or say.
“Langalethu has ruined everything.” I drew in a sharp breath.
I wished she didn’t say that. I wished that she would take accountability for all that she did, and not blame it on Bhut’ Langa coming back with her bag of dirty secrets.
I still don’t know those secrets, I just suspect it may have something with his alleged death because why else would they be so angry at her. How does she feel that Banzi died hating her guts? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
“We need to go back. The service is starting soon.” I looked at my wristwatch. It’s broken, the hands are not moving.
She got up from the floor and dusted herself up. I want to ask her how she got here, but she’s already making her way down the little path. Now I’m left alone with my husband and ‘son’.
“Thank you for giving me the strength to do this. I hope you are at peace where you are, it’s the one thing you have always wanted. Now I don’t know what to do from here. If anything, show me a sign, how am I supposed to live without you?” my heart is racing.
I feel exactly like I did that day I was running barefoot on that road the day my life changed forever. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I don’t have control over it.
I feel droplets of water on my head, one by one, they his my head, my face, my hands. I get up and as I do a fast walk back to where I parked the van, it’s already pouring down. I start running as I feel the water soaking through my clothes. This isn't the sign I was looking for, but anything will do.
I tripped on a grave and I almost fell to the ground but I felt arms holding me up and dragging me on the ground. I start screaming. Is this deja vu?
He’s taking the drivers seat and I’m in the passenger seat, shivering from the wetness of my clothes. I take off the shawl on my shoulders.
“You can’t just do that!” he said in a stern voice turning to look at me.
I looked forward. I’m not in the mood to be scolded.
“Anything could’ve happened to you, why didn’t you ask me to come with you?” I ignored him and proceeded to take off my top.
I was left in my bright red bra. It was also soaking wet. I want him to see that he’s talking to himself.
“MaGumede.” I looked in his direction.
He looks distressed and it’s not hard to miss the dark circles under his eyes. Now I feel bad.
“I just wanted time to myself, I wasn’t trying to run away.”
He sighed and took of his jacket. Its not as wet as my clothes, I guess he was right on time. I hesitated in my decision to take it, but I was visibly shivering so I took it and put it on.
“Thank you.” I mumbled under my breath.
He started the car and turned on the heater. I thought he was going to start driving but he just sat back in his chair. Banzi’s memorial?
“Are we not going back to the palace. The memorial starts soon.” I searched around the car for my phone.
I left it back at the palace. Sigh.
“I’m not allowed to drive, my condition doesn’t let me. And I won’t risk it with this rain.” what condition is he talking about?
Yes, it’s pouring out, it still hasn’t stopped. How is the memorial going to happen in this rain anyway? I didn’t think about that.
“We are going to miss Banzi’s memorial.” I whined.
I may understand but I won’t let him know I understand.
“I’m sorry but there isn't anything I can do. None of us here a fit enough to drive in this kind of weather.” I hate that he’s right.
There is a cloud of mist in the air, you can barely see. It is dangerous. Now I regret coming here.
“We can use this time to get to know each other. I want you to tell me why you keep invading my dreams.” haha.
“Did you plan any of this?”
“I wish I did. I’m missing my brother’s memorial, I already missed three years with him. It’s not easy carrying the guilt of knowing he died for my selfishness.” yeah, everyone is blaming themselves.
I’m smart enough to understand that everything happens for a reason. If this was his only way of finding peace then I’m happy. It might hurt and it’s going to take a lot for me to get used to it, but seeing him in my dream, seeing him happy eases my heart. I still miss him though. I just don’t blame myself for his death, I know it’s not my fault, it’s no one’s fault, except those who think it is. That is their burden to carry.
“You say as if you didn’t torment my dreams.” I reply to his first question, totally avoiding talking about Banzi. I don’t want to break down and cry.
“I wouldn’t have come back. I was honestly sitting waiting for death to come and fetch me. It just didn’t want to, and every I thought I was close enough, you came and dragged me out of it.”
I exhaled. His jacket smells like him. Herbs and incense.
“Why would you wish death upon yourself.” I asked turning my whole body to face him.
“When you’ve lived the kind of life I’ve lived MaGumede, you’d pray for the Lord to take you everyday.” that’s hectic.
“My father has dictated my whole life, even from the grave he’s still controlling my every single move.” the oh so hated Mhlabawesizwe kaBhekumuzi Zulu.
“To be honest, my life was better when everyone thought I was dead. Yes I was restricted, and I couldn’t just walk out like normal people, but I preferred it over the life I was living at the palace.”
“And don’t you think maybe he would get off your case if you did what he wants you to do?” I asked. He raised one eyebrow at me.
“Only you can help me with that.” I closed my eyes tightly and took in a deep breath.
“How are you just going to take your brother’s wife?” I asked him.
“He was the one that married my wife, technically.” the amount of ownership these men have over me? The Zulu family feels entitled to me.
“And your marriage with Banzi is null and void. The ancestors were not appeased and you were not introduced to them because they had turned their backs on the palace.” what is he saying?
“I was introduced, I had a full traditional wedding.” I argue.
“Not recognized by the ancestors. You are technically an unmarried woman.” I shook my head. I don’t believe him.
“And how do you know this?”
“Thulisile is a sangoma. As soon as she walked through to palace doors, she didn’t feel the presence of the ancestors. There is nothing there, therefore they need to be re-introduced. That goat was slaughtered to call upon them so we could bury Banzi and let him cross over to them.” I don’t believe him because Mfihlakalo crossed over.
“What about Mfihlakalo, how did he cross over?” he stares at me blank.
“Banzi and I’s son.” I saw his face going sour.
“You have to ask Thuli, I don’t know.”
“So now I have to marry you?” 
“We don’t have much of a choice.”
“And will I have to give you children.” you could see that I was starting to make him uncomfortable, but I need answers.
“That is entirely your choice, but if I don’t have a son with you specifically, and I die-which could be any day from now, you have to take over the throne.”
No way, now way in hell! Over my dead body.
“I can’t do that.”
“Trust me I don’t want to do it too. The throne is for greedy heartless people like Mhlabawesizwe, and anyone willing to contest me for it can willingly take it, I really don’t mind.” understood.
Silence passed through the both of us. Only the sound of the engine running and the rain pit-patting on the car could be heard. Why isn’t it stopping now.
“Are you planning on going back to school?” he asked after a long time.
“No. My problems are too much for me to be worried about school.” and now they seem to be multiplying in fours.
“I’m sorry.” he says in a soft voice.
“I’m sorry too.” we feel sorry for each other, just like I pity him, he pities me.
“So we are doing this?” I asked looking at him.
“Do we have a choice?” I chuckled.
“Not really. I’m just going to have to pretend I’m 40 years old so I don’t feel otherwise about this.”
He laughed. He genuinely laughed and I saw his full set of teeth. His laugh is contagious.
“Thank you MaGumede. I won’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”
“I appreciate that.” silence.
We went back to that stillness and I was caught up in my thoughts once again. I hope this is the last stop; that I won’t be moving onto the next brother, it’s getting tiring.
The sooner I accept that this is my fate, the better. I just don’t know what I’m going to do with my feelings for Banzi. I’ll just have to store them in the same place I put Mandlenkosi’s love.
I’m fucked up.
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When the rain stopped miraculously, he took a chance and drove us back to the palace. The palace is two minutes away, I’m guessing he came here by foot because it’s not that far. There isn’t much of an awkward vibe between us anymore, talking helped. I just need to remind myself not to over familiarize myself with him because at the end of the day, he’s still my elder.
The sun is shining like it wasn’t raining cats and dogs a while ago. I climbed out the car and covered my chest with his jacket as I made my way through the crowd of people standing outside moving up and down. Now it’s going to look suspicious, we are coming out of the same car, I’m half naked with his jacket on me.
I thought I was safe when I made it passed the lounge without anyone calling me, but an elderly lady stopped me.
“Sisi, uvelaphi?” I turned and looked at her.
She wasn’t here when the whole world found out about Banzi’s death. Bhut’ Dumisani’s mother. She didn’t come.
“I was at the cemetery.” I don’t know why I’m explaining myself to her.
“Uyacanasa uzenzela umathanda kube kushoniwe layikhaya.” I gripped onto the jacket tighter to try and hide my bare chest.
“Amile kwenzekalani.” that’s my mom coming behind me.
They locked eyes and I saw something different on the woman’s face.
“I just wanted to go visit his grave.” mom held my free hand. My voice is suddenly quivering.
“Who are you?” mom asked looking at her. I don’t think that’s the right question.
“Queen mother, MaJili. Who are you?” she asked and crossed her arms across her chest.
I don’t understand why she has so much attitude.
“Makhosi Gumede.” mom extended her hand for a hand shake.
She never introduces herself as a Gumede, why is she doing it now? MaJili’s face changed.
“Vumani’s wife?” was there really one Gumede in this place?
She shifted her eyes to me once again and it seemed like she noticed something. Hey, my dad is famous.
“In the flesh.” there is something here.
“You are Vumani’s daughter?” her face was going pale.
“Yes, I am.” she put her hand on her chest.
I gave mom a look and she gave me the exact same look.
Next thing, the woman hit the ground. What the hell!?