Amile The Queen

Chapter Sixty-Seven

***Amile Gumede***

Her sons tended to her. I had way more important things to do. The press is waiting, the memorial has to start. Mom is following me to my room, I know she wants answers, answers I don’t have.
“Where were you?” she asks shutting the door behind her.
“The cemetery, ngishilo nje.” I said taking of the jacket, throwing it on the bed.
“So why are you naked if you were at the cemetery. Why are you wearing Langalethu’s jacket?” how the hell does she knows that it’s his jacket?
“My clothes were wet.” I’m stripping off the rest of the clothes so I can get dressed in something appropriate.
“From what Amile?” I see where this is going.
“I know what you are thinking mama, I’m not sleeping with Langalethu, cut me some slack.” as I turned around, I hot clap landed on my cheek.
I felt dizzy and I held on to the edge of the bed to maintain balance. I can’t believe this.
“Mama.”
“Mama my foot. You do not speak to me like that, I’m not your friend.” I felt tears burning my eyes.
“Don’t think that we are the same age just because you are married, you are still a child and you will always be, don’t forget that.”
“Yes mom.” I said and attempted to walk away.
“Come back here and tell me what the hell you are doing with your life.”
I think she’s just having moods of her own and she’s taking them out on me. I stood in front of her and crossed my arms across my chest.
“Uthi zimanziswe yini izimpahla?”
“It was raining.” she’s looking at me like I’m crazy.
I know I didn’t imagine the rain.
“You don’t believe me?” I asked her dropping my arms.
“Amile my child, I’m not a fool. You can’t be doing this mntanami, you want to turn yourself into the Zulu men’s bicycle? Uzehlisa isithunzi.”
“Mama I’m not lying to you. I didn’t sleep with him. Nothing happened. I went to visit Banzi’s grave and he came to fetch me and it started raining and we couldn’t drive back.” she really doesn’t believe me.
Yes, I’ll admit it, my reputation is ruined, I’ve slept with two brothers who share one mother and I felt no ounce of remorse, but it doesn’t mean now I’m a whore. That’s what she’s making me out to be. At the end of the day, I’ll have to marry Langalethu and I’ll be forced to forget about Banzi and Nkosi, and act like I never knew them.
“Who else knows about you and Nkosi?” I sighed.
“Only you.”
“Good, keep it that way.” she sat on the bed and took a deep breath.
“Mama, Bhut’ Langalethu said Banzi and I’s marriage was null and void. It wasn’t approved by the ancestors, therefore I never changed from being a Gumede to a Zulu.”
“Kanjani manje?” the shock on her face couldn’t be disguised.
“I don’t know, something about the ancestors turning their back on the family after the king died. He said Shlobo knows this.” that’s what I call her, because that’s what he calls her.
“So what, you get to go home.”
“No, I have to marry him.” her face dropped.
I thought I told her this.
“Why couldn’t it be someone else, why did it have to be you mntanami?” you can’t miss the hurt on her face.
“What if he mistreats you? What if he hurts you?” are these the same questions she had about Banzi.
“I don’t think he’s capable of that.” who am I kidding? My first encounter with him, I was shit scared because he looked like someone with anger issues.
He’s proven me otherwise though he’s past few days, but that doesn’t change the first impression I had of him.
“I hate this, I wish I could just take your place.”
“It’s not your fault mama, it’s the greedy ancestors.” I think I’ve accepted my fate at this point. For peace to reign, I have to do this.
“And what about your life?” I shrugged my shoulders because I really didn’t have an answer.  Sobona khona.
I excused myself and went to get dressed. So I’m guessing after this I’m not supposed to wear mourning clothes because I might some upset the underground gang, and I don’t want to do that. When I was ready, I made my way out of the room, all the way outside. When I got to the tent, the service had started, there was a priest doing a prayer. Camera’s were flashing left, right and center. If I don’t make it to the front page tomorrow, then I don’t know.
I can’t believe we are leaving Banzi behind. Tomorrow will be a new year, and it’s going to start without him. It’s somehow a new beginning for all of us. I hope I can leave all the baggage of the previous year behind, I don’t plan to take it with me to the next year.
I glance over to my left and I see Vukani staring at me. He looks exactly like his father, the eye he is giving me is making me guilty, I can’t maintain eye contact for longer than 3 seconds. When I face the front, I can still feel his eyes piercing through my skin. He hates me, he hated me the first time he laid his eyes on me, and he will continue to hate me now because I kept him and his siblings away from their father.
“I’d like to call up umntwana uVukani kaZwelibanzi Zulu to come and deliver a speech on behalf of the children.” I blinked a couple of times before turning again to look at him.
He stood up and his brothers walked behind him. All the other children stood up and followed behind him. Hallelujah is holding on to his brother, as if he’s scared that he’s going to disappear. I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault. Mgcini is holding Halle’s hand, trying to keep up with the fast pace they are walking in. They are so young, all of them. It makes it even harder to believe that Vukani and I are the same age, I literally see him as a son.
“Somewhere in the back of my mind, I kinda had myself prepared for a day like this. I knew it would happen that I’d have to have to bury one of my parents, I just didn’t think it would be this soon…” MaMzobe behind me gradually started sniffing and her sniffs slowly turned into wails.
“Ubaba was amazing. He was a great man, a great king and an amazing father. Although we didn’t spend all our time with him because he was always busy, but whenever he had the chance, the little time he had, he would give it to us.” he’s staring directly at me.
He’s throwing shade at me? Oh hell no boy!
“He loved his family, and he cared for everyone around him. We will surely miss him. Mom, we are going to be okay, you are going to be okay. And I hope you know that he loved you, and find solace in that.” there’s a lump stuck in my throat, I feel like the walls are closing in on me.
Someone grips on my hand and I look up to see Nambitha. I swallow the bitter taste and take in a deep breath.
“Zulu! Ndabezitha! Mageba! Sthuli sika Ndaba!” the little ones chorused, some getting them jumbled up. They were cute, I wonder when they practised this.
“Thank you mntwana. Now on behalf of the Queen Nontuthuzelo Mzobe and Amile Gumede, miss Nambitha Makhathini to deliver a letter.” I looked at her confused. I know nothing of a letter.
She stood up and I stood up with her. Mom tried to pull me back.
“Stop.” she shout whispered.
She mustn’t dare. There is press here, I don’t want to cause drama. I took my hand back and followed behind Nambitha who was already standing on the podium. I went to her and told her to move aside. If it’s anyone that’s going to speak about my husband, it’s going to be me.
I heard murmurs as I stood on the podium and the camera flashes became worse. She handed me the so-called letter and I looked at it, seeing nothing in the nature of what I would want to say to my husband as he rests eternally. I crumpled the paper and threw it on the ground before fixing my shawl and adjusting the mic.
“I don’t anyone to speak for me, no one spoke for me when I loved my husband, I told him myself, and I will tell him now, whether he is here or not.” gasps. I’m not rude.
“In the three months that I spent with him, I got to know him beyond what everyone saw on the outside, even when I didn’t want to. I liked it, I liked what I saw inside of him and I wouldn’t have traded the three months I spent with him for anything, no matter how rocky it was. Bayede, I never got to call you sthandwa sami…” I took in a deep breath as tears ran down my face.
“I miss you baba. I miss hearing your voice, I miss hearing you calling me wakwami, even though I hated it every single time. I miss putting my head on your chest and falling into a deep sleep, knowing I’ll wake and you’ll be right next to me. I miss your scent, and not amount of perfume I put on my body will give me that scent; your scent. I miss your love Bayede, feeling it, and knowing that I’m okay because I am yours. I hate that the sun will rise tomorrow and you won’t be here to see it with me. Thank you for making this bearable- this life that I was living-I wouldn’t have made it without you. Ulale kahle baba ka Mfihlakalo, and know that no one will ever take your place in my heart.”
My eyes darted to the door where he was standing. He had his arms folded across his chest staring at me. The last time I saw him around here, he was pressed up against my bosom crying like a little boy. Why is he looking at me like that?
I got off the podium and went to sit back where I was. I didn’t even get the time to look around to see the beauty of the decor in this tent. They really outdid themselves, I’m seeing my money’s worth. Who am I kidding, I don’t have a cent to my name.
That went by smoothly, I know mom is still going to scold me for going up on that podium and speaking for myself, but I got that off the chest, and now the whole world will know that I loved Banzi and that our marriage wasn’t what they thought it was.I did say I’m trying to leave everything behind to face the new year with an open mind and an open heart. I’m not rushing my healing, but being sad about it won’t help.
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Lights are on in other households, night has taken over the day and we are drawing nearer and nearer to the end of a year that has been nothing but miserable to me.
The yard is clear, that’s why I’m basking alone under the star lit sky. Even family scattered like ants after that memorial, they left no trace of their existence. Bhut’ Khethukuthula took the boys with him, I’m guessing that is where they will be staying for the rest of the holidays. MaMzobe is in no state to take care of children, and her fate is yet to be decided. She did -after all-commit a sin and made the ancestors turn their backs on the whole family.
Zululand is officially under no governance. The King they knew has bowed out, as they say in IsiZulu. Langalethu still needs to be welcomed back home, to the ancestors and to the public. All of this has to happen before he is ordained and put on the throne. That and our wedding.
I still don’t know how that is going to play out, the wedding part I mean. Will I also not be involved in this one, and will it be something that my elders are in charge of. As far as I’m concerned, the last one was planned by MaMzobe. It’s definitely not something I would plan, not in my range of style too. But who am I kidding, I never wanted to get married in the first place.
I don’t know, I feel like this is my last wedding. And I might have felt like that with the first one, but this time I’m certain, and if I’m given that power, I certainly won’t miss out on the chance to go all out! It’s always been my dream to have a luxury wedding.
I’m so consumed in thought that I don’t hear his footsteps approaching. I only feel the warmth of his body next to mine. I don’t say anything, nor do I turn to face him. I just face forward, breathe and listen to the thoughts running through my head. He’s doing the same. Question is, how do I know it’s him when I didn’t even turn to face him? His cologne gave him away; even after all these months, I can still smell him from a mile away.
He tilts his head and gazes at the brightly lit sky. I finally turn my head to look at him. His Adam’s apple is bobbing up and down.
“Why are you sitting alone?” he asks in a trembling voice.
“I need it. I haven’t had time to myself in a long time.” I lean back on the bench.
This bench is perfect in the mornings to sit on and watch the sun rise and admire the smell of the morning dew on the roses. It is also perfect in the afternoons where you can turn it around and face the other side of the valley and stare at the sun setting, and the birds flying home, creating marvellous patterns in the orange sky. Now I see it is also perfect in the night, the cool breeze kissing my skin while I tilt my head up to gaze at the stars in the sky. What a perfect place to be in.
“How do you do it?” he asks and turns to look at me.
I can’t maintain eye contact with him so I look away.
“Do what?” I ask
“Be alone, with just your thoughts, in the silence. How do you do it?” he looks broken.
“Silence is golden, and once you dwell in silence, your mind runs wild. Healing is done in silence. It’s not loud.”
There is a loud cracking noise in the sky. I jolt my head up and see the beautiful lights in the sky. I forgot that it’s New Year’s Eve, it’s probably the excited children testing out every single firecracker in the box because this is the only time they get to experience something like this. It’s not even twelve o’ clock yet. I want that excitement back in my life.
“And are you healing?” he asked.
I sighed and sat up.
“I don’t know. Maybe I am.” I shrugged my shoulders.
Silence passed between us again, and we just watched the fireworks going off in the sky. I could also hear his heavy breathing here and there. As his breaths got heavier and heavier, I turned to look at him and he had tears cascading down his face. I put my hand on top of his and squeezed it. It was cold, I didn’t like that.
“What happened to him?” he asked in a trembling voice.
I exhaled and closed my eyes.
“He was driving, and he lost control on the road.” he’s lucky he didn’t see him in that state.
The only reason I could wipe that image out of my mind was because of the picture I saw of him in my dream. That’s the one that appears first whenever I think about him. Above all the other memories we shared, that one stands out.
“I shouldn’t have left, I shouldn’t have ignored his calls and let him deal with so much alone. Maybe he would still be here…” I squeezed his hand.
“Hey, it’s not your fault, it’s no one’s fault…”
“That’s easy for you to say, he loved you, and he told you everyday. I never got to hear it, and now I never will.” I turned my whole body and looked at him.
“If there is one person Banzi loved and cared for the most, it was you Mandlenkosi. Everything he did, he did to make you happy, to protect you. The amount of sacrifices that man made for your happiness, your well-he loved you so much and it really did hurt him that you ever for one second doubted that. Even when he tried so hard to show it to you. “
“The last time we spoke, he said he wanted us to fix our relationship as siblings. I wanted that, I wanted to get to know him.”
He’s making me emotional all over again, and I thought I had made it past that stage.
“Maybe your relationship didn’t need any fixing. Maybe all you needed was that assurance, and both of you got it. He’s resting, and I know that it’s cliche but he’s in a better place, and he’s happier there than he could’ve ever been here in the land of the living. That’s all he wanted.”
He squeezed my hand back and I used my shoulder to wipe the tears that were trickling on my face.
“I’m sorry for everything that transpired between us.” he said. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in.
“For what it’s worth Mandlenkosi, I really did love you. And I know I didn’t understand then, but I know now.” he put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.
I snuggled on his chest and he hugged me tightly.
“I really am sorry.”
I nodded and closed my eyes.
I’m not angry at them, both him and Banzi, because I know for a fact that the same thing he saw in me, was the same thing Banzi saw. They saw their mom, and that’s why they thought they loved me. If he was really afraid of losing me, he would've fought, but he knew he would have me in his life forever either way, that’s why he let things be. Just like I said before, everything happens for a reason, and I haven’t served my purpose here yet, I am yet to.
I’m just not crazy enough to believe that love will ever exist again for me. I’ve tried and tried but it never works for me. I loved people who never loved me for who I am, but for what I have. And that’s okay. I just need to start loving myself now, and if I do, I’ll learn to see what real love is.
Right now, my focus is healing, and letting go. I haven’t exhaled just yet.