FAKE NEWS AND ALTERNATIVE FACTS

TRAP, NEUTER, RECALL

IMAGE: Winning candidate being transported to a veterinarian in the Trap, Neuter, Recall Cycle.

In national news, President Pushy Groper's tweets about massive voting fraud have led many, including our Mayor, The Right Honorable Rantin N. Raven-Faux VI, Supervisor of Elections for Myassa County, Florida, to question the outcomes of the 2016 primaries and elections.*

Examination of nationwide voter rolls show that 60% of all voters were dead, 12% may not exist, 22% were Russian, 18% were North Korean, 8% were Iranian, 10% were from ISIL, 27% were from Texas, and the rest were fraudulent.

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party of the United States of A Merka proposes the following reforms to current voting laws:

REGISTERING PUTATIVE CITIZENS
Proof of existence and life must be proven by putative citizens. Putative voters must provide photographic proof that they are alive and must be able to identify themselves in a mirror. Those who cannot identify themselves using a mirror may be given a provisional ballot.** In case of blindness, the putative citizen may be identified by a companion animal that is registered to vote.

REGISTERING QUASI-CORPOREAL CITIZENS
To register, quasi-corporeal putative citizens, including but not limited to Santa Claus, Easter Bunnies, tooth fairies, commies under beds, monsters in closets, invisible playmates, anthropomorphic beings, Kenyan Moslem Presidents, and anything else which does not actually exist must provide birth certificates or trademarks unless their grandfathers were registered to vote.

REGISTERING CORPORATE CITIZENS
The Supreme Corporate Rulers of the Unconscionable Misanthropes (SCROTUM) insists that corporations are citizens that have the right to vote if they claim to be incorporated. Corporate citizens that claim to be incorporated may vote in any election where they think that they might have facilities, employees, sales, buyers, or imaginary interests.

In order to enhance the ease and accuracy of the numbers of votes to count and reduce opportunities for fraud, single votes shall be fazed out before the next election. It is easier and more accurate to add up a few large numbers of corporate votes than to keep track of votes cast one at a time from unpredictable places all over the country.

Corporations which employ or have contact with union members shall be permitted to cast provisional ballots.** Union members and the unemployed shall vote in Guantanamo, Cuba, and their mandatory transportation to the polls shall be provided by armed forces personnel and vehicles.

In order to not interrupt profitable activities and relieve the individual workers of onerous decision making, all supposed employees shall be included by corporate vote. One assumed employee, regardless of citizenship or residence, shall equal one vote.

Corporate facilities shall appear to conduct voting activities in the privacy of rest room stalls. Each shall hire a Supervisor of Elections who reports directly to the CEO and keeps the rest rooms clean and stocked with ballot rolls. The CEO will verify the vote count to the Board of Directors or county Supervisor of Elections via Twitter.*** All outcomes are final.****

IMPROVING VOTER TURNOUT

While voters in other countries flock to the polls during elections, US voters flock away from them. Some reasons may include: not wanting to take time off from work; too tired after work; standing in lines at polls is boring; they feel uncomfortable surrounded by fanatics waving signs.

Therefore, voting shall take place in establishments with liquor licenses. There will be a three drink minimum so voters will be as mentally and morally impaired as the candidates are.

TRAP, NEUTER, RECALL ELECTION CYCLES
Term limit supporters believe that restricting office holders to two terms improves the quality of representation and diversity in our legislative bodies. It follows that reducing terms much more will provide for vastly better representation and diversity in elected officials.

Therefore, before being sworn in, elected officials shall be caught and spayed or neutered in order to release them from the gene pool. There shall be automatic recall elections every 30 calendar days for which the infertile will be ineligible. By automatically recalling and releasing elected officials, political parties will be able to project the cost of monthly recalls in their budgets instead of scrambling to raise money for the occasional inconvenience.

* Despite performing a personal hand recount totaling zero votes, The Mayor is still almost certain that he voted for himself.
** Cast in the provisional paper shredder.
*** If he feels like it.
**** Unless the CEO changes his mind.

Press release to Faux News Myassa from Party Chairperson Y.A. Duck? on behalf of The Official Monster Raving Loony Party of the United States of A Merka.