FAKE NEWS AND ALTERNATIVE FACTS

PUBLIC SCHOOL VOCATIONAL TRAINING

Only three days after Pushy Groper took office, approximately 55 million undocumented workers were returned to their country of origin, even if it was not their country of origin. In exchange, the President has demonstrated his art of the deal and acquired several Mexican multi-billionaires in a straight up trade. Seven drug cartel leaders have been given sanctuary and clemency and are currently living in the White House since President Groper refuses to inhabit it. He compared the White House to his own residences, saying that it would be like living in a double wide trailer house in a trashy trailer park. He personally vouches for these desirable unnamed immigrants as people he trusts, emphasizing that they are multi-billionaires who have moved here to take advantage of tax cuts and business opportunities. They promise to find other living arrangements as soon as possible.

With the exit of so many workers, millions of vital labor jobs will be unfilled, with little hope of attaining replacements who would work so hard for so little return and respect. Most were jobs that Americans will not demean themselves by doing. A new source of exploitable workers must be found quickly.

According to a recent report by the newly created US Department of Child Labor, the largest portion of the unemployed occur among K-5 youth. The cause has been determined to be lack of workplace training and employment skills. It is unfair to force employers to pay for training K-5 students when public school curricula can be redesigned to serve the increasing needs of employers.

It has been recommended by child labor professionals that every child should be able to prepare simple employment applications by second grade. The child labor professionals unanimously agree that third grade is the latest a child should begin pursuing employment. Fourth grade is considered late to be unemployed. Employers begin to question an applicant's ability to maximize the employer's salary if they are not employed by the fifth grade. Children who are not eligible for tax paid voucher tuition in a religious indoctrination center shall henceforth begin mandatory employment training in preschool.

Vocational training curricula:

Pre-K

Dressing for success: Strangely colored shirts with their names on them for boys, skimpy dresses or skirts for girls. Boys should be able to tie their shoelaces. Girls should be able to cinch up a hemline by themselves and choose appropriately short skirts with blouses and dresses with plunging necklines that will please their employers.

Kindergarten

Children are expected to be quietly seated in their desk chairs before 8:00 am. Menial job training will end at 8:00 pm to prepare students for undeclared and unpaid overtime. Children will will be taught to not whine and cry from overwork and neglect.

First grade

Fast food cash register classes will be held in three four hour shifts without breaks and lunch. Classroom hours will be randomly rearranged daily to introduce the prospective employees to swing and graveyard shifts. Saturday, Sunday, and holiday classes will be held with a few minutes' notice. Prospective employees will receive instruction in preparation of employment applications, resumes, synopses, bios, abstracts and curricula vitae, plus define the differences between them.

Second grade, semester 1

Ongoing menial job training.

Students will prepare employment applications.

Students will learn interview skills.

Second grade, semester 2

Advanced menial job training.

Students will learn to tailor responses to selectively exaggerate and lie successfully during the application process.

Third grade

Advanced menial job training.

Students will be dropped off in various business locations to seek employment.

Fourth grade

Intensive menial job training for unemployed students.

Students will continue to be dropped off in various business locations to seek employment.

Fifth grade

Applying for welfare, Medicaid, WIC, food stamps, and other loser entitlement services.

Instruction in preparing cardboard signs and surviving homelessness.