FAKE NEWS AND ALTERNATIVE FACTS

OBSOLETE WEAPONS OF A PAST FUTURE

The GOD Party was ecstatic when their candidate, Fuller W. Brush, ascended to the Presidency in 2001 with an ungodly balanced budget. They swore to find a way to resurrect their holy deity, Crushing National Debt. They caucused in a corner, held their collective breath, and threatened to turn blue and die while invoking their gods with the magic words ''Merry Xmas''. Then they got lucky and 9/11 happened. The Party and President quickly put their heads together to formulate a plan to raise their national deity. As a result of their collective concussion, they concluded that the country needed blood sacrifices to the military-industrial gods and chose Iraqi citizens for that honor and our taxes to pay for it. But that didn't work. There was still too little debt. The military-industrial gods were not appeased. So the Party shamans concluded that insufficient blood sacrifice was the problem and began sacrifices in Afghanistan. That didn't work either. Some of the little people still had money. They still couldn't figure out what went wrong, so they interpreted corn kernels in their turds for guidance.

With rectitude born of corny-crapomancy, trillions of dollars in unnecessary, unaffordable, pointless, and obsolete military weapons and materiel were built and purchased. The Armed Forces didn't want them, the budget couldn't afford them, but the GOD Party needed them to rim job their military-industrial gods. Sadly, 95% will never fulfill their imaginary purposes or excuse the unjustifiable prices. The military is no longer allowed to shower it on law enforcement, and the result is too much obsolete weaponry left seriously unemployed. Federal work projects are being discussed to give the unemployed weapons jobs.

ACTION PLAN

If a groundless perceived dissing of President Brush's daddy and Party grudge against fiscal sanity were excuse enough for two wars, then certainly we should gain revenge against the enemy that invaded the US in the early 19th century and razed Washington D.C. Recently its socialist economy intentionally made the sorry US economy look bad. Anyone who watches South Park knows what to do: Blame Canada!

1. The new President, Pushy Groper, a morally bankrupt corporate bankruptcy specialist who has been saddled with an improving economy, can start a rabble-rousing Twitter hate campaign in the patriot militias, KKK, and American Nazis against those commies in the Great White North.

2. Incite and arm a mighty militia along the US-Canada border with all surplus weapons and declare war on Canada. The far right will believe anything, and they like to wave guns around.

3. Before DC is once again burned to the ground, raise the white flag of surrender and demand war reparations to pay for all the surplus military equipment we didn't use against Canada. Threaten to use them anyway if Canada hesitates.

Finally, the United States secedes from the United States and demands to become a Canadian province, reminding the Canadian government that there are a lot of aroused patriot militias, klansmen, and nazis on the border with itchy trigger fingers and too many guns. It must be done quickly, because it may be too much to ask of them to shoot all those other white people.

Once the United States is a province, our massive debts would no longer be our problem. Canada would have to pay our bills. And Canada has such a nice, polite pushover government that they can certainly be coerced into building a 20 foot high wall along the Rio Grand between Mexico and Canada.