INTRODUCTION
HOWDY, Y'ALL! I'M THE RIGHT HONORABLE RANTIN N. RAVEN-FAUX VI, MAYOR OF MYASSA.
WELCOME TO MYASSA! PLEASED TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE! SET YOURSELF DOWN AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOMETHING TO DRINK? SOME NICE W...
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HOWDYYYY! It's meeee, your Freelance Myassa Lifestyle Critic, Emanuella H. Kruikin-Feist! Dr. Zimbello Testa's biology courses have made me very curious about the sciences, especially in and around Myassa. There's more science here than you might imagine! For sure more than I did! Just wait until I tell you about some of it!
First I'm going to tell you about my kitten! So, he's an adolescent now. What used to be cute has become annoying and destructive! I don't let him go outside because of all the weird animals so he has lots of cat toys and cat furniture and trees and shelves (and me) to play with. He follows me everywhere when I'm home, talking constantly. He wants to play with everything I pick up or look at! He knows which direction I'm going to go so he can trip me! He's been shedding all summer and I find fur everywhere! I swear he can teleport his fur! They're in sealed cans and jars when I open them!
He seems to know what's about to happen. The only times he isn't under my feet are when it's time for medicine and vet appointments. He know every hidey place in the house and knows how to get all around the house without being seen! I'm certain that he develops evacuation plans when I'm not home. Just like a guy, he's underfoot and in the way and constantly wants your "attention", but never there when you need him. Teenagers!
He can open anything that opens: cupboards, drawers, boxes, doors, windows, laptops, luggage, garbage cans, anything! He knows how to use a doorknob, so no room is safe from ransacking. He rips open bags and boxes in the kitchen cupboards and has no holds barred wrestling matches with loaves of bread! I opened the refrigerator and found him licking the butter! And OH, the bathroom! Don't ask about the bathroom! He's DRIVING ME CRAZY!
So, Myassa County is the exclusive home to many unusual species of creatures. Some are indigenous like the Wild Hares of Myassa and Swamp Dolphins, and some are introduced like the swamp gerbils. But the most peculiar specie by far is the indigenous Strangewood (plant?), questionably found only in Myassa County. The Strangewood is an ongoing scientific vegetative vexation. It is nothing but controversy. Even its controversy is controversial.
So, Strangewood is not invasive but is tentatively classified as "evasive" (the inspiration for and sole member of this exclusive class) and thought to be a member of the plant kingdom, but even that is uncertain. Some think it might be fungal, or even animal. There are those cynical biologists who think it has never existed and is only a myth or a hoax. But none have come to Myassa to research it. They don't come to research it because nobody has ever come to research it. It might interfere with their factless opinions. They refuse to accept the "unscientific" reports of locals and tourists. Even scientists from the wrong fields are discounted. They point out the native tribal tradition of hoaxes and spoofs. That is especially true of the indigenous tribe's Raven Clan, of which The Right Honorable Rantin N. Raven-Faux VI, Mayor of Myassa, is both member and unofficial tribe historian. It is only through his deep knowledge of tribal lore that we are even aware of its existence. Or he may have made it up himself. Some consider them to be the equivalent of the Cabbage Patch Ape and suggest that, despite the centuries of sightings before the Europeans came, a distant ancestor of The Mayor's probably invented the ape as a hoax. Aintie Mep's family bristled when they heard that!
Strangewood is described as a phantom mimic, uncannily assuming the form of the nearby vegetation, even wooden structures. Myassans sometimes discover new additions to their wooden homes overnight or new stairs leading nowhere, but much of the surrounding vegetation often disappears.
High Sheriff Rantin N. Raven-Faux VI, Mayor of Myassa, told of once discovering an acre of blooming cannabis while hiking through the Myassa State Endangered Invasive Species Flora and Fauna Preserve. It had to be removed because it is neither endangered nor invasive. It was twilight and he had to get home before dark so he marked the trail home using cannabis leaves. The next morning he and the Raven clan posse, carrying backpacks and farm implements, returned to find the path. All the leaves were gone. After a couple of hours of maundering and passing the spot six times, he determined that the patch had been replaced by a stack of outhouses. He hadn't noticed them there previously. He'd wondered why there were so many built in one spot. Actually, there was only exactly one outhouse. Unwittingly, it was built in a copse of Strangewood.
The Mayor turned to his clan, slightly embarrassed by the false alarm. The others were exchanging amused looks until someone began to snort. The entire group began snorting, giggling and chuckling, then leaning against each other laughing and crying. They had found and followed the path markers much earlier. When the mirth slowed they opened their backpacks and, between periodic giggling fits, removed bags of potato chips, chocolate chip cookies, Oreos, Bugles, Twinkies, soft drinks, etc, and clan favorite, seasoned beggar lice patties roasted over a wood fire. The Mayor said it's the best he ever had. After eating, the clan fell asleep next to the toilet tower. They awoke in a field of outhouses.
So, it has been a challenge to write this with the cat walking around and around on the keyboard, sticking his tail in my nose. I couldn't find a place to put the laptop down. There's not a surface in my house he can't get to! I made a hanger for it and was learning how to use the keyboard flat against the wall. Did I tell you that he can jump almost to my shoulders? He climbs the last foot even though his claws are clipped. He makes a bridge over my head, paws on both shoulders. Barely. But he's still growing.
So, when he sleeps with me, he thinks he's my furry gas mask! Or he uses me for his cross country course. I fell off the bed trying not to roll over on him. He keeps me up half the night and I'm sleep deprived. Sometimes I'm so tired that I can't think clearly. He curls up next to me and purrs like he's never been so happy.
