INTRODUCTION
HOWDY, Y'ALL! I'M THE RIGHT HONORABLE RANTIN N. RAVEN-FAUX VI, MAYOR OF MYASSA.
WELCOME TO MYASSA! PLEASED TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE! SET YOURSELF DOWN AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOMETHING TO DRINK? SOME NICE W...
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8:00 pm, November 8, 2016. The polls have closed in Myassa County. This is what the exit polls found:
After a hard fought but losing presidential election campaign against his greatest political rival, None of the Above, The Mayor's constituents' characteristics have been evaluated statistically by the College of Recreation, Anthropology, Archeology, Computer and Kinesthesiological Sciences In Myassa, Florida (CRAACKS in Myassa). The Department of Political Scilence, which is funded by a grant from the National Stifle Association (Motto: SHUT THE FU** UP!), has analyzed The Mayor's base support groups in order for The Mayor to concentrate his next election efforts on somewhat less idiotic redneck voters, while still loading his bases.
Of the voters who identified themselves in exit polls as having voted for The Mayor, the percentages of those discrete populations which he won over is as follows:
1. Who are motorboater voters who do not own motorboats ... 0.03%
2. Who are Taoist kazoo death metal band groupies ... 0.275%
3. Who are closet disco queens ... 0.0016%
4. Who are survivors of Orca attack ... 0.068%
5. Who are owners of more than 150 pets ... 2.22%
6. Who are monogamous straight partners in polyamorous gay marriages ... 0.51%
7. Who will be left behind in the rapture ... 99.0001%
8. Who are trapped in fairy circles ... 4.67%
9. Who are in vegetative states for over 7 years ... 100%
10. Who are comatose survivors of NDE who saw their grandmothers on the rainbow bridge hooking up with Jesus ... 0.025%
11. Who believe that they are following someone who wants to do them good ... 0.00751%
12. Who are clueless ... 87.005%
13. Who failed home school ... 10.027%
14. Who think they are too sexy for their shirts (but are not) ... 3.14159265359%
15. Who are Bob Dobbs impersonators ... 0.0001%
16. Who randomly Xmas treed their ballots ... 0.075%
17. Who think they remember the '60s ... 8.73%
18. Who have never heard of The Mayor ... 17.0011%
19. Who lost big betting on the Puppy Bowl ... 0.5%
20. Who can't think of anything to say at Rocky Horror Picture Show ... 41.7%
21. Who should not be allowed to vote ... 269%
22. Who are polydactyl lactating queens ... 0.57355%
23. Who saw Elvis in KMart stocking feminine hygiene products ... 3.011%
24. Who are Straight men with tramp stamps ... 2.0001%
25. Who are Professional martyrs ... 0.0011%
26. Who have had posthumous religious conversions ... √n-1%
27. Who are ladies in their fourth virginity ... 0.0021478539%
28. Who are pussy-whipped by The Right Honorable Spouse ... 10.00%
29. Who are Cargo Cultists for Christ ... 0.213%
30. Who play slaves fighting for the Confederacy in Civil War reenactments ... 0.01002%
31. Who are retired breeders of Myassa Terrible Tiger Gators ... 0.00% of zero
32. Who couldn't find "None of the Above" on the ballot ... 6.8%
33. Who refused to take the survey ... 16.333%
34. Who thought they were voting for the skunk ape ... 0.00201%
35. Who think they ARE the skunk ape ... 62.5%
36. Who are pseudo-intellectuals ... 88.888%
37. Who did not vote ... 96.325%
38. Who are supporters of the Second Amendment ... 865.332%
39. Who are The Mayor ... 600.00%
40. Who are The Right Honorable Spouse ... 0.0%
41. Who won't SHUT THE FU** UP! ... 28.58%
42. Who were discovered dead at work ... 18.75%
43. Who didn't have the sense to stop reading this before getting this far ... You know who you are. And now so do we.
Results greater than 100% may be due to multiple votes and/or interviews. And/or lousy poll surveyors. And/or really bad survey designs. And/or the Department of Political Scilence. And/or the National Stifle Association. Anybody but me!
Reported by Emanuella H. Kruikin-Feist for the Department of Political Scilence, Statistical Smearing Committee. Results are statistically significant to 0.75, a correlation of 0.5, standard deviation = √16,293, and a chi square of who the hell remembers chi square?
The Mayor has demanded a recount claiming the outcome was rigged and the result of voter fraud.
