INTRODUCTION
HOWDY, Y'ALL! I'M THE RIGHT HONORABLE RANTIN N. RAVEN-FAUX VI, MAYOR OF MYASSA.
WELCOME TO MYASSA! PLEASED TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE! SET YOURSELF DOWN AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOMETHING TO DRINK? SOME NICE W...
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The US economy has taken a beating over the last 16 years. The economic collapse occurred at the same time that the currency underwent rapid design changes. Redesigned bills with security strips, holograms, strange not-green colors, hidden portraits, microscopic stippled letters and images unseen by the human eye were added to deter counterfeiting. The new designs tanked, not stimulated, the economy.
The reason the economy wasn't stimulated was because the Treasury forgot the stimulants! The old economy's bills were impregnated with Peruvian marching powder, which made the economy goose-step. Cocaine is slowly being added to the new bills all across the country by currency users, and the coked-up economy has begun returning.
Fortunately, after learning its lessons and first experimenting with nicotine, caffeine, and laxatives, Treasury bills are now stimulated with cocaine laced inks containing government owned cocaine which was provided by the DEA, whose employees resent losing thousands of tons of "their" coke. The economy has improved, because instead of entering the marketplaces, the distributed bills are being ground to powder to be smoked, snorted, and injected, which dramatically increases their worth beyond face value. (The higher the printed values, the more coke is used in printing. Consumers are willing to pay astronomical prices for them. $100 bills now contain thousands of dollars worth of coke. Dime bags containing 1/10th of a one dollar bill are being sold in high schools for $50. Buyers pay in coins which are then used to buy more bills.) The Treasury is printing money at an unprecedented rate, and the economy is skyrocketing as employees skip their lunches, coffee breaks, and quitting times. Nobody is being found asleep at their desks any more. Restroom toilet stalls and broom closets are overcrowded.
The expenses of creating bills and coins have previously cost taxpayers more than the finished products' face values. That was not good planning or marketing. However, the Treasury has caught on and will soon begin putting the bills on auction. Unexpectedly, black market powder cocaine prices have plummeted.
The greenback dollah! It's the RE-al thing!
(In case of economic overstimulation, the Treasury Department is experimenting with depressant based inks.)
