i love you, but.. // lierra

1

Jason Walker - Down

"I love you, but I don't think it's working out the way it should be." There's always this but that stops people from actually being together, that stops them from being happy, being fully attached to each other, being something more than lovers, more than just people.

Luke has heard these words too many times. From too many people. He doesn't understand what's not working out. Him having dropped out of university? His dog, who's not friendly with everyone? Maybe his jokes are annoying? His hair? Should he cut it again? Him wearing makeup? He just doesn't understand.

Now he's crying on Calum's shoulder in their living room over yet another breakup. It keeps happening to him, and he can't help crying. Calum is slightly jealous of how open Luke is with his feelings.

"What is wrong with me, Calum? Why are they all leaving me?" Luke cries. He's a pretty crier. He's cried so many times that he managed to make even this part of himself pretty.

"There's nothing wrong with you. It's all on them." Calum replies, hugging him closer. The lights are dim at Luke's request, but the frown on his face is still very visible. Calum feels desperate to help but has no idea how. It's the same thing every single time, and all he can do is just talk to him through it.

"Yeah? I'm the one who's alone and abandoned in the end." he sniffs, looking up. "Why don't they love me?" and by 'they' he means every single person who's ever wronged him: his dad, his exes, even professors at university. Being liked by everyone is impossible, but sometimes he just needs to feel it.

"You can love someone and still walk away from them. Maybe Oliver is like that." Calum shrugs. He's not sure about Oliver, but all the other relationships—with men or women—Luke's had were never that important to him. He just likes having someone near; he likes the honeymoon phase when they give him compliments. Until it comes to his mental health, his inconsistency in communication, his lack of trust, and his fears of them abandoning him. It's not like he's the problem, but he's not helping either. And when people tell him that maybe he should consider therapy, Luke's too embarrassed to admit that he quit it as well.

"Can! That's the thing! You can, but it's not the rule." Luke sighs. He's really tired. His hair is a mess; he needs to wash his face, change into sweatpants, have dinner with his friends, and spend the evening watching stupid movies. But his heartbreak is in the way. The thing is, if something bad happens to Luke, he needs, he has to make it everybody's problem too. Even for ten minutes, but he needs everyone around him to feel that kind of desperation that he's feeling.

Calum is about to respond when he hears keys in the lock and the door opens quietly a second later.

"Look who's home!" Sierra says, getting into the apartment and putting down the keys on the table. She's holding Cory's hand and his backpack, and the boy has an ice cream cone in his small hand. Whenever it's not Calum who picks him up from kindergarten, he has to demand ice cream. "Oh, what-" she says when she notices Calum holding weeping Luke. She turns to the boy, crouching. "Cory, go wash your hands, and I'll meet you in your room, okay?" Cory nods and disappears into the bathroom.

"Thank you for getting him." Calum says. He doesn't always have time for his little brother, but he has Sierra and Luke, who are always ready to help. Luke and Calum live together with Cory and Luke's dog Petunia—Luke always insists on considering her a full and absolute member of their small family—in Calum's parents' apartment, but Sierra spends most of her time with them when she's not studying. She lives not so far away in a rented apartment, but their flat still feels cosier to her, even if it's not as tidy—three guys live here, after all.

"Of course! Now tell me what happened?" she says, stroking Luke's back and running her hand through his hair. She looks Calum in the eyes with a sympathetic look, while Luke is telling his story all over again. When he calms down a bit and doesn't look like he could burst into tears any second, she suggests something that always works.