i love you, but.. // lierra

11

Ruin - Shawn Mendes

Sierra wakes up at 5 am that exact night, and she doesn't really understand why. They went to sleep only a few hours ago, and they were absolutely exhausted. She turns to see if Luke's sleeping, and of course he isn't.

"Why are you up?" she sees him going through his phone. His hair still looks perfect, as always, and in the dark she can only see his silhouette, which to her disappointment, also looks perfect.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" he turns to her slightly. Well yes, the absence of his body in her arms woke her up, but she obviously won't admit it to him. She's just confessed her feelings for him, she can't just say 'oh, and also I can't sleep without you, but you know, it's not a big deal'. It is.

"It's 5 am, why are you up?" she ignores his question.

"Just.. woke up." he shrugs. His voice is a bit hoarse, but not because he's just waken up, but because of all the singing he did with Ashton last night.

"Did you have a nightmare?" she asks. Luke doesn't just wake up, there's always a reason. He looks down without answering. "Again? Why? What happened?" she gets closer. She's noticed that the bags under his eyes have become more prominent in the last weeks, so it's not the first time he wakes up like this.

"Drowning." Again.

She sighs.

"Wanna try go back to sleep?" she asks, rubbing his arm.

"Yeah, but I'm the big spoon this time, okay?" He shuts his phone off, and turns to her with open arms. It's easier for him to feel safe when he's protecting someone, in a way. It makes him feel like he doesn't have an option to be afraid, because he has someone who's afraid more.

"Whatever makes you feel better." she nods and gets into the hug. His hot breath brushes her neck and she wants to shiver, but restrains herself as she doesn't want to disturb him. He senses her body being tense, though, and he moves a bit so that his chin is resting on the top of her head, and now it's comfortable for the both of them.

Sierra wants to fall asleep but she can feel his heart not slowing down even after 20 minutes of them laying like this, and in her heart she really wants to believe that it's her who makes his heartbeat faster, but her mind knows he's just scared to fall asleep again. She feels Luke shifting slightly and very carefully breaking their cuddle.

"Where are you going?" she takes his hand before he can even leave the bed.

"Thought you were asleep." he smiles. She can't see it in the dark, but she hears it in his voice.

"Where are you going?" Sierra asks again.

"I can't sleep, sorry." he apologizes, knowing that she probably feels guilty as she was the one to suggest that they try to fall asleep again. "I'll go get some fresh air, it'll help me with the hangover." He gets up completely, dropping her hand.

"Can I go with you?" she sits up at once, reaching for his hand again, but mentally slapping herself for being so needy. She hates being like that, but something has changed after she confessed her feelings and now she feels even more attached to him.

"Of course." he nods, taking her hand to lead her into the dark, because they don't want to turn on the lights and wake someone up. He waits for her to put on her high-heels, even though these are
definitely not designed for walking in the snow. He wants to offer her something warmer, but has no idea what. He needs shoes, too.

"Wait, don't tie them." he stops her. "Wanna wear my socks? It's really cold there." he knows she doesn't like anything related to feet, but he doesn't see any other option. It's snowing outside so he can't let her go out with her bare feet.