i love you, but.. // lierra

33

The Bottom - Gracie Abrams

Sierra finds Luke in the study, curled up in the armchair, trying not to make a sound. He can't stop thinking that this is probably it. The conversation keeps replaying in his head like an annoying, catchy song, and, remembering every word he said, his biggest fear is that she actually won't put up with him anymore. His head is filled with Why did I say that? Why did I do that motion? Was my face too angry? Did I yell too much?

When she closes the door after herself, letting Petunia out of the room, Luke's bloodshot eyes look up at her, and she reaches for his hand with hesitation, and in the end, it wins.

"Are you gonna break up with me now?" he whispers as his arms pull his legs closer to his chest.

She moves a chair closer to him and sits down, looking at him.

"Why would I do that?" she sighs heavily, getting ready to hear how bad he is for her and how she's a lot better off without him.

He looks at her raised eyebrows and glassy stare, debating whether he should say what's on his mind and annoy her even more or just shut the hell up and hope the conflict resolves itself.

"I.. that was pretty intense." he says in a shaky voice, pointing in the direction of the living room. "You know I don't fight with people. It usually means the end to me." Luke continues even quieter, and Sierra has to put in a little effort to hear him clearly, but she doesn't really need it. She knows he doesn't like confrontation because he doesn't believe people can actually forgive him. He's not a forgiving person either.

"I don't want my name to be on your endless list of triggers." she smiles, trying to ease the tension.

"This is a good reason to not break up with me." he forces a chuckle and meets her eyes for a second before turning away again.

She gets up, which makes him scared she'll leave, but she gets on her knees beside him and takes his hand, slowly separating all the tensed fingers clutched together.

"We're okay." she's trying to lock eyes with him, but the only way seems to be to physically make him look at her. "Honey, it was just a fight."

"Why do I feel this way, then?" Her palm on his cheek calms him down, but not enough to stop his chin from shivering.

"Because you feel everything and nothing."

"I'm sorry." he says, looking down at their fingers intertwined.

"I'm sorry too. I didn't want to push you again. I just want what's best for you, even if you hate me because of it." she confesses.

"I'd never hate you." he lies with a smile. The thought crossed his mind numerous times because there's no feeling between love and hate for him, so he swings from one to another time after time.

"Just promise me to always tell when it gets that bad. Don't wait until I ask."

It's bad enough when he's going through it and she sees it, but it's so much worse when she doesn't. As much as she loves him, she can't help feeling like she doesn't notice something fundamental about him. This thought alone makes her think they don't match as well as everyone thinks they do. It makes her think she's not doing enough while also doing too much.

"I can't promise that, I'm sorry." he shakes his head softly and watches her sigh.

Seeing how scared she got the last time, he knows he'd trust her with his life, but not with his mind. She's not his therapist; she's not made for this. All the rambling thoughts in his head only remind him that eventually he will hurt her, one way or another.