i love you, but.. // lierra

17

some trigger warnings may apply

the 30th - Billie Eilish

When Sierra doesn't bring up their conversation the next day and the day after that, and the week after that, Luke is really glad. But by the end of March she does, because of course she remembers. Especially since every time they hang out together, he just sleeps in her lap, and she knows it's because he can't sleep at night. He barely even talks to her - it's just 'good morning', 'I love you' and 'goodnight' almost every day.

She doesn't understand the reason for his behavior, but Luke doesn't even need a reason. He wants to isolate himself, but he knows he needs her. So even if it's just being physically next to her, he does it. He's gradually coming to the realisation that he feels safer with her. He feels safe to tell her whatever he has on his mind. Just not right now, not in springtime.

Springs are the worst for Luke. Everything and everyone glows and grows, and he feels even worse. He hates the weather, because it's becoming too sunny. He hates the fact that everyone starts going out more and tries to invite him to things, and he has to say 'no' over and over again. Until they stop inviting him. He hates how people ask him what his plans for the summer are. He has no plans - it's just another summer of him rotting in bed.

Spring is also the time when he's not just thinking about suicide as a part of his daily life, he's actively thinking about it. Which means he's planning it, he's visualising every detail of himself doing it, and it goes through his head again and again as his brain slowly polishes the plan to perfection. So there's no saving him. Not a smallest chance.

Spring is the time when all his 'almost attempts' happened. When he almost jumped in front of a train. When he almost shot himself with his dad's gun. When he almost stabbed himself. No one in his life knows about these things, and Luke will never bring himself to tell anyone. He's too embarrassed by the fact that he never went through with any of this. He can't even call it an attempt.

No matter how safe he feels with Sierra, she can never know this. He knows it'd break her - he sees the look of horror on her face every time he even jokes about suicide. He hears her whispers of 'don't ever leave me' when she's falling asleep in his arms. He notices how much she tries to make him feel better, and he can't help but despise himself for not giving the same energy back. For not even wanting to get better.

Luke believes that she loves him too much for her own good. He can never say it out loud, of course, especially to her, but with all the love she gives him, she doesn't notice herself fading away. She's too occupied with this euphoric feeling of them being together that she can't see how also draining it is for her. Luke notices all of that, but does he even have the right to bring it up, when he knows he's the reason for her state? Maybe it's the spring effect, but he can't stop thinking of how she would be so much happier if she had never fallen in love with him. But at the same time he knows that no one could treat her with as much care as he does.

He's very much aware of their special bond, and he doesn't believe that either of them could have it with someone else. They're in love with the mere fact of each other's existence. He knows they would basically kill and die for each other. It's just that his mental issues are in the way, and he waits for Sierra to say "I love you, but.." because that's how it always ends, and somehow she doesn't say it. Maybe they can avoid it together, maybe there's hope.

It's a quiet afternoon when Luke gets to Sierra's apartment after spending the morning at the charity center again. Chatting with those kids keeps him really grounded. He lays on the couch with his head in her lap and she starts brushing his hair with her fingers.

"Do you wanna go somewhere for lunch?" she asks softly.

"I'm not hungry, but I can drive you." he closes his eyes. "Where do you wanna go?"