i love you, but.. // lierra

19

Western Nights - Ethel Cain

As everyone leaves the room, Sierra closes the door after them and turns to Luke. He's looking out of the window, avoiding her eyes. He's so embarrassed. He saw Sierra's red eyes when he woke up, and he can't help this feeling of guilt in his chest. Calum looked quite lost and exhausted too, and his mind just keeps telling him that it's all his fault.

She quietly comes up to the bed and takes his hand, "I need to ask you something." she takes a deep breath, "Was this on purpose?"

"What?" Luke frowns at her. He knows exactly 'what' and he's not surprised at her question - he does talk about suicide all the time. No wonder she suspects it.

She doesn't know how else to sugarcoat it, "Did you jump?" Sierra has no energy to go around him in circles and be gentle with her questions.

"I don't know." he looks down, his voice in a low whisper. He has a very clear memory of what happened, but it doesn't help him to answer her.

"What do you mean you don't know?" she gets up, raising her voice - she is so exhausted. "I lied for you, Luke! I need to know the truth." she says the last few words quieter, hearing her own echo.

"I just don't know, okay?" he looks up. "I didn't jump but as I was falling, I hoped the water would break my spine." he closes his eyes, reliving the moment. "And when it didn't, I hoped to drown." he whispers. "I didn't do it on purpose, but I hoped it'd work."

Luke feels his cheeks getting red out of the shame. He doesn't want to tell her these things, to explain his thoughts in such detail, but she has every right to know. He has no idea what she went through today, and the least he can do is be honest with her.

Calum comes up to the door to tell Sierra that they need to leave, right in the middle of her conversation with Luke. He doesn't want to eavesdrop, but he can't help it. He sits near the door and rests his head on the window, but tries not to look into Luke's room that's behind him. He doesn't want them to know he's listening.

"It's not a waste of time, Luke." Calum hears Sierra say and he's glad that the room is in the end of the hallway where no one even walks let alone talks. He can hear every word, even when they're speaking quietly.

"Admit it." Luke says, frustrated. "You could be with someone healthy and.. normal." Calum knew this would happen, but he didn't expect it so soon. He should've warned Sierra sooner. He's heard these conversations more than once as they took place in Luke's bedroom.

"I don't want anyone else. Once you find your person there isnt anyone else that you want." Calum lets himself peek into the window, and sees her take a place next to him on the bed. She lays down on his chest and Luke puts his arm around her waist. She sniffs as she feels a few tears falling down. "Don't you get it?" Sierra murmurs, "I've seen you healthy and I've seen you low, but you're the same person to me, and I love you."

"I love you too." he whispers while she continues,

"And I don't want some other guy even if he's perfect and has no flaws. I want you. Always." she kisses his cheek and gets up. "So I am not breaking up with you."

Luke needs to just thank her and finish the conversation, but he really wants the best for her, and maybe right now it's not him. "I need you to break up with me."

"If you wanna break up-"

"No, I want you to break up with me." he doesn't have the guts to do it, he loves her too.

"You want me leave you." she turns to him angrily. She knows him too well to believe that what he actually wants is to break up with her. "So then I'm the bad guy, right? And you can cry yourself to sleep and pity yourself and curse my name, right?" she asks, raising her voice just a little, but it's enough for Calum to understand how hurt she is. "I'm not gonna break up with you."