i love you, but.. // lierra

35

At Your Worst - Madison Beer

Luke's switch from lethargy to hyperactivity is a hot topic in Sierra's mind, but she'd like to see it as a good thing. Even though it's not. Something is wrong, but she can't figure out exactly what it is. It's like he's not even here.

"Thank you for breakfast." she speaks up on a Sunday morning. Calum and Cory should be coming over in a half hour or so—to not break the tradition even when they're not in the mood for going out. "And overall, you're doing a lot these days. I'm glad you feel better." she touches his arm, and his muscles tense a bit, relaxing a second later.

"Why would you think I feel better?" he scoffs with a soft smile, turning to her.

Sierra tilts her head to the side with a frown. Shrugging at her, he gets up, heading for the bedroom. 'It's like he's stoned', Sierra thinks, although she's never seen him high on anything except for alcohol.

"So you don't feel any improvement?" she bites down on her lip as she sits down on the bed, watching him go from shelf to shelf as if searching.

"I didn't even do anything to get the said improvement, so no." he says without hesitation.

"If you don't get better, you'll end up dead." she whispers, looking up at him with watering eyes. The thought of him not even trying makes her want to scream.

"I fucking hope so." he says, still going through the shelves and not turning to her.

Her heart skips a bit. And another one.

She can never get used to the way he talks about death—his own death. Her ears ring, replaying his words until she breaks down completely. It's too quiet in the room for her to be as loud as she actually needs to be, but still, she doesn't hold back. Not even making an attempt to wipe the tears away, she stares in front of herself blankly.

Luke turns at the sniffling noise and stops in his tracks as the chaos of his feelings renders him motionless and unable to process it. "I'll call Calum." he states and walks out of the room.

With trembling hands, he takes out his phone to make the call and leaves the flat. He doesn't know where he's walking. He's just walking. He can't feel his legs, but they are moving. He doesn't recognise the street he walks out into, but he's not in control to stop his body now. It knows better. It knows the street, it knows the familiar rotten smell of old leaves on the ground, it knows each bump in the sidewalk, it knows when to stop, and it knows which bench to sit on. He's been on this auto-pilot for weeks, and although he can't feel it, it scares him.

Sierra doesn't even have time to look at him before the door closes, and silence fills the flat. Her pillow keeps getting wetter, and her hope that Luke will come back fades away almost completely before there's a knock on the door, and then it opens.

"Luke?" she whispers, lifting her head to look at the door.

"It's just me." Calum says with a quiet sigh. "He's outside with Petunia and Cory."

He takes a seat on the bed next to her, and she sits up, using his hand for support.

Talking to Calum about this doesn't feel right to her. It's not like Luke's suicidality is a secret or Sierra talks about it in detail, but it's like she's speaking ill of a dead person. And everyone knows you either speak well of them or don't speak at all.

"He's going to lose." she whispers with her head low as the silence pressures the room again.

"Sierra.." he takes her hand.

"I don't see anything in him that can fight or at least hold onto life. Nothing."

"You shouldn't-"

"I shouldn't what? Do this for him? And what about me? What am I supposed to do without him?" her fingers fidget all over her collar and the daisy necklace and can't seem to stop. "And not just without him, but with him dead. I've been relying on him, in everything, for almost half of my life. And the first half without him was unbearable." she looks up before adding in a whisper, "I don't wanna go back."