i just stared at my phone
blared by the sun peaking through the blinds
i pressed 'amitola' on my device,
hoping for an answer
hoping for the whispers in my brain to stop
the loud noises to stop
everything to slow down
to shut my eyes and wake up in my brain
and tell it to shut up
but when i open my eyes i just see the phone home screen
i just slammed my phone to the ground
because all the anger had burnt onto the outside of my skin
into my heart
seeping into my eyes
into my lungs
sent fire down my spine
why wasn't i happy?
who wouldn't be happy?
why am i like this?
why couldn't i just be quiet?
why couldn't all the voices in my head stop?
why couldn't i just be the happy straight girl?
who didn't love her best friend
dad would've wanted that
he was never happy with me
now he would be disappointed
and in his eyes
his eyes looked dead
like whenever he saw me,
i sucked the love out of him
crushed it up
and swallowed the anger
each time he looked at her
with those loving eyes
the anger evolved
into something worse
so whenever i felt something
it came back so strong it created a storm
inside of me
i just wanted someone to love me for who i was
but no one does
so i want to change
and amitola isnt making it easier
if i could just change the circuits in my brain
in my heart
maybe dad would've still been here
maybe he would've loved his life with us
maybe mom would've still cared
it was all on me
and my stupid feelings
and he hated me
because of who i am,
and i just can't blame him
only myself
and my brain that wouldn't stop shaking
shaking all my memories out
until i can't make new ones
————————————-————————————-————————————-————————————-
"Hey guys!" I smiled.
"Hey Ali!" Zuri smirked.
"What's up dorks!" Elena rustled Amitola's hair.
"Ew today's lunch looks like absolute shit!" Zuri scoffed, pushing it to the side.
"I know right.." Jia pouted.
"It's not half bad.." Layla muttered.
"I know this is a weird time to ask but.." Zuri muffled, Layla kicked her under the table.
"Shut the hell up!" Layla rambled.
"Alice, what the hell happened?" She blurted it out.
"What do you mean?" I scoffed.
"You know, at iHop..?" Layla looked away.
"Uh, I just remembered some things..?" I muffled.
"Like what?" Jia was practically stuffing her mouth.
"Things about my dad.." I muttered.
"Guys stop.." Amitola rolled her eyes. She wasn't talking very much.
"Amitola, you haven't even been talking this whole time.." Zuri snapped.
"Probably mad we're talking to your bestie" Elena quoted her hands around bestie.
amitola just walked away
i stared down at my plate.
"I'll go check on her.." I smiled weakly.
"Good.." Zuri chuckled.
————————————-————————————-————————————-————————————-
"Amitola..?" I whispered.
"What do you fucking want?" Amitola growled.
"What's wrong..." I muffled.
"Nothing, I'm just tired." She muttered.
"Of course I accept you, if you're mad at me.." I said weakly.
"It doesn't even have anything to do with you.." She chuckled.
"Well now I know something's wrong," I determined, "Let me in,"
"What?" Amitola said weakly.
"I said let me in.." I said a little bit more stern.
"Fine.." She opened the stall.
"What happened?" I asked softly.
"I don't wanna talk about it.." She hugged me.
we sat like that for a while
she smelt like vanilla
she was very soft
she had great hugs
she was so kind
she was everything to me
why?
should i end this book soon or..? :)
YOU ARE READING
Life, Not Roses
שירהAs Alice struggles into 9th grade, she realizes that life is not the beauty caught in movies in films. Her perfect life turned upside down as life crashes down on her family.
