Dauntless Born

Chapter 5 Friendly Gestures

Four had made it. He had come out at the first initiate. We could hang out a lot more, now that he didn't have to worry about him getting cut. It was the first night, they all had chosen jobs. I watched as he stood returned his trey and walked off. I returned my trey and caught up with him. Hey. Hey yourself. He said I shrugged some. Nothing, how're you doing? I guess I'm a leader in training now. I nodded some. Impressive, my older brother's gonna be a leader. He snorted some shaking his head. That doesn't mean you can break rules. I rolled my eyes some laughing. He was no fun.

Something I had noticed was he in a weird way started trying to be brotherly. He tried to watch out for me, but he struggled. I guess it had to do with the fact I had grown up here, and typical sibling tactics that were used in Abnegation, wouldn't work here and he understood that. We walked into his apartment and I felt my face twist up some, it still smelled musky. The best way to explain is, was it smelled how old people's houses were described. He ran his finger over the counter and made a small noise, and then frowned. What's wrong? There is a broken glass. From his tone it didn't sound like he was the one who broke the glass. And this was the first time I had been up here in his apartment, so it wasn't like I had broke the glass. 

He kinda turned and shouldered it off, and I knew it was for my sake. So Zeke set me up for a date. I raised an eyebrow. Have you never been on a date? I asked and he shook his head. No, of course not, I wasn't even allowed to court someone in Abnegation. He said and I nodded. Apparently Marcus kept him well hidden. We spent a while talking and occasionally laughing. It felt good, but anytime it came up about me being his sister, or him being my brother, my stomach tightened and I felt guilty. I promised Amar I wouldn't. 

I left his apartment around 12:30 A.M. I half asleep stumbled my way down the dark halls, towards the COD dorms, still feeling guilty. I promised. You never said the words. I frowned looking around. It sounded like Amar. I shook my head. His death never felt real to me. I never got to see his body. None of us did. Because of this it was easy for me to forget he was gone. I would find myself looking for him amongst the crowds of Dauntless, I would also find myself bouncing towards his apartment, only to have the gut wrenching reminder he wouldn't be there.

***

school seems weird. Everyone is going a normal speed. Everyone but me. I spent a lot of last night awake and silently crying into my pillow, thinking about Amar. Part of me wanted to haul my ass up to Four's apartment, but I didn't. I kept telling myself to stop being a baby, and spent the early hours of the morning in the shower.

Classes were strange. I was always interactive answering questions, doing well. But all of my recent personal class room behavior reports, mainly said they were concerned about my behavior, of my lack of interest in class. My grades were slipping. I was walking through the halls, my ear buds in. Shauna's sister Lynn, who was two years older than me, was walking with me. We were meeting up with Uriah for our next class. Lynn and Marlene had to go back for their books, and I just went to the class and sat down at my desk, putting my head down.

I held tears off. I heard people walk in so I sat up. The teacher, for faction history, along with Jeanine Matthews. My blood boiled. I found it strange that Amar had died shortly after that visit, but there was no proof that he had been killed. Suicide also lined up since his behavior towards me the night before and an hour before his death. Ah, Ms. Greyson, how are you? Fine. I said one of my ear buds still playing "Psychotic Kids" Jeanine kept staring at me. This is one of our finest students. I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. I knew how my performance was lately. I knew I wasn't the finest. Jeanine nodded some. I briefly met her. I looked over as Uriah, Lynn, and Marlene walked. After them it didn't take long for the others to trickle in, and class started.