Find me

Chapter 76

Alice

I arrived early than I expected. I asked Eric for the ride. And he did. He drops me in my father's driveway before leaving.
It's only 7 in the morning. They must be awake by now. Heat is still flickering through my body. He has so much to say.
I wonder what if he doesn't know either. What if this is the secret of my mother?
Still, I need to ask him or told him if he's unaware of the truth.
I walk to the porch and knock twice.
I am about to knock again when the door clicked open. My father's surprised eyes looked down at me.
"Oh my goodness" he beams at me and pulls me in his hug, "What a lovely surprise".
But his smile slowly wash off when he noticed that I'm not okay. He senses that something is not right.
I walk inside the house, and the smell of coffee hit me. Angela must be in the kitchen.
"Is everything alright?" He asks, looking worried.
When I don't answer. He lingers closer to me, "Alice? What's wrong?" he asks again.
"Can I see your wedding picture of you and mom?".
He blinked, wondering what could be the reason behind my sudden request. "Is there any reason?".
I cut him off, "Because I haven't seen it before".
I heard Angela come through the kitchen, "Alice? Oh my God". But she suddenly stops, must notice the tension around her. She glances down in confusion between me and dad.

He stare at me for a moment, "That got lost too with your mother".
I'm surprised by his choice of words. It's like he doesn't even care. Well, he got a new wife though.
Heat licked my skin, and my limbs vibrated. "Then what the hell is this?" I show the wedding picture of Jake and my mom, right in front of his face. My anger returns in full force, "Why is this man standing next to her instead of you?".
His hazel eyes, looking amber right now, immediately narrow, confused. But then his gaze flashes to the picture, and all colour drains from his face.
Terror welled up in his eyes, "Where did you get this?".
"That's not my answer, dad" I snap, clenching my fist, "Who is this Jake Dawson? Why the hell did she get married to him?".
I lose my composure and start gasping, drawing in heavy, shallow breaths as he looks away. "So, this isn't new for you. You already knew this". I pause, trying to calm my anger, but I can't. It keeps rushing in my veins, "You always keep secrets from me. Why dad?. You don't even tell me her real name".
I take a step back, "She's Andriana Swan, not Andriana Stewart". I look around, holding my tears. I have the right to know the truth or at least he can tell me a good reason not to tell me in the first place.
He keeps silent. It's like I'm talking to myself.
I took a deep breath, "He was her first husband?" I pause, "Or you are?".
I turn my eyes back on him. His blond hair is all over his forehead and he looks at me with the same eyes he had right before he told me that she might be alive.
I wish I was angrier with him.
Mostly, I'm just disappointed.
"You have always been lying to me. Why dad? You throw me into a college where nothing is normal. And you don't even tell me the reason. You never told me the reason for anything. You just do what you want to do. You have never asked me what I want. You have never asked me how am I feeling right now. You have never asked me how much I missed my mother. You have never asked me how did I survive that place where no one is normal". When I stop, I feel like I'm out of breath.
"Answer me, dad. Why don't you tell me any of this?" I shout.
"Because I am not your dad" he yells back.
I freeze.
His breathing is fast. A red cloud of rage swam across his vision.
He turned away, "I am not your father, Alice," he confessed.
I stumbled backwards, bumping into the wall, "What do you mean?".
"I am not your biological father," he told me without looking at me, jaw tensed.
A cold tremor shot down my back. I can't breathe. What the hell is he talking about?
This can't be true. This can't be.
"Stop lying to me" my words falter. "I know you are lying to me, dad". Panic made my stomach nauseous and I noticed my hands shook.
Finally, he looks down at me, pains visible in his eyes, "I wish I could. But this is the truth".
Tears filled in my eyes, "So, am I adopted or something?".
Biting his lip, he hurried away with his head down, "It's not simple as that".
I walk closer, tears streaming down my cheeks, "If you are not my father then who is my father?".
Clenching his jaw, avoiding eye contact, he speaks "That man from the picture, Jake Dawson".
I take a step back, shaking my head in denial. That can't be real.
"No...no...no. This can't be true" my voice cracks. Every muscle in my body went numb.
When he turned to face me again, his eyes said everything which he can't. He looks broken.
"You are the daughter of Andriana Swan and Jake Dawson. And this isn't my house either. It's your parent's. It's yours. Nothing here belongs to me" he pause, "Your mother and I. We used to be friends".
My whole body was paralyzed, refusing to believe what heard a few seconds before.
He came closer, trying to hold my hand. But I jerk him off.
He exhales, "I know you never forgive me for this. But this is what your mother wanted. When Malign attacked, that day she called me to come as quickly as possible. So I did. But when I arrived everything was shattered. I ran, searching for your mother. This is when I found you upstairs, holding her letter. But there was no sign of her. In that letter, she told me about your dad and that Malign killed him. And she has to run away from you before they'll come again for you. Because she didn't want to lose you too. She told me not to tell you all this. Because she wanted you to get the love of family. She didn't want you to live with the truth of being an orphan. She wants you happy. She wanted me to take care of you like my own daughter. And I did".
Tears streamed down my eyes and I didn't even realise that.
He continues, "For me, you've always been my daughter".
I can't feel anything. It's like my body got numb again. He's being my father for 18 years and now suddenly, I get to know that he isn't. That man whose journal I was reading, that man turned out to be my father.
Ridiculous.
And that man is already dead. I never get to know my real father.
I've been living a lie. Eighteen years of my life were nothing but a lie.
"So, she's not your wife?" My voice is still shaking.
"No" he whispered.
I look up at Angela, "You know this too, right?".
She didn't reply just looking down at me in guilt or concern.
A wave of anger hit me again, and this time I'm not going to control it. He needs to know what I've become. My skin is burning. I'm on fire. Suddenly, my heart starts racing and my breathing too.
I focus on myself, trying to eject the flame out of my body.
But something is wrong. Nothing happened. I can't. Dammit. I still can't control it according to my wish, my need.
"I need some air" I announced as I storm out of the door.
I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. I need air. I need space from that house. I need space from those people who don't have any relation with me.
And it's killing me.