Find me

Chapter 40

Dorian

I'm watching her as she left. What the hell I've done? How could be I so childish? I stand there blinking for what seems like an eternity. I have to keep my distance from her but I end up like this. I've kissed her. Shit. I've just made things worse than before. What am I supposed to do now?. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. I grab my hair in clumps and look up at the sky. What will she do now? She can't let go of Alice easily.

Besides the fact that whatever just happened is keep replaying over and over in my mind, giving me the sudden urge to kiss her more, loved the way her lips feels on mine. Shit. I want her, need her in my goddamn life. I love her.

"What the hell have you done?" Edwin's voice breaks through my muddled thoughts. I sharply turn to him "What?" I ask. My eyes are widened now, and my muscles feel tight and clenched. Did he see everything?

He tightened his fist "She's your friend and you almost killed her. What the hell do you think of yourself?" he says in a raised voice. Some relief creeps inside me as his word left his mouth.

"She got what she deserves".

"Are you out of your mind?" he shot me back.

I glare at him "I know, what I'm doing".

"No, you don't know what the hell you are doing. You are going against the Queen and you know where it will take you".

I groan "I am not afraid of her," adrenaline rushing through my body. I'm not in the mood to take a lecture from him.

He just stares at me for a moment before speaking "Please stop now. Stop going against her. It'll only infuriate her more and the result will not be good, neither for you nor for Alice and you know this.

"I don't let her," I say under my clenching jaw and storm away from him.

~~~~~~~~~~~

When I get back to my room, it's dark and I don't bother to switch on the light. I like being in dark. My room is a mess just like my damn life. My pounding head already killing me that I just collapsed on the ground, closing my eyes shut, I just lay there. The cold floor somehow relaxed my nerves.

Once I tried to stop, tried to forget about her, tried to move on...... when she shows up again right in front of my eyes, and took admission in the same damn university. Whenever I see her with her brown hair and perfect smile, it makes my heart flutter every freaking time. She kept messing in my head that I can't take myself away from her. And this is why she is in danger now, her life is in danger. All this shit is because of me.

I pretend that Gloria is my girlfriend so that she never notice me but she did. She always did. She always comes up in front of me. Besides the fact that I love watching her, love her fragrance. I want to hold her, want to touch her, want to kiss her every time I see her. I love her so much that I can happily give up my life on her.

I remember the first time I realise that she was the one for whom I can do anything. I was fourteen.

She was reading something in her room with her feet on the wall when I knock on her window. "What are you doing?" I ask.

She folded the cover of her book over quickly "Nothing" she answered.

"Want to go to the boardwalk with me?" I asked. I tried to keep my voice even, not too excited or eager.

She walks towards me while tieing up her hair into a ponytail, "Sounds interesting" she replied. She sounded casual, almost too casual. I glance over her, just as casual as she'd been "Just hurry up and change your clothes and we'll go" I say and jump from her balcony which was not so high.

When she came, she looks beautiful in her white shorts and a grey shirt. She's an angel. I remove my gaze before she caught me staring.

We reach there in fifteen minutes. I bought myself a soda and chocolate ice cream for her since it's her favourite one. I don't know why but she looks nervous, which made me less nervous.

As we walked down the boardwalk, I dig my hands into my pocket. It was one of the best nights, the kind where there's a cool breeze and not one drop of rain.

She says "Let's just sit down, I'm tired of walking". We sat on a bench that faced the beach. I drank noisily my coke and finished it in almost one go. She's watching me and then laughs. 
"What?" I ask nervously. Did I make fun of myself? She didn't reply just kept laughing at me. It frustrates me. I stood up and start walking but she grabbed my hand, still laughing, she asks "WAIT! Where are you going?"

I jerked off her hand.

When I don't reply. She pulls herself to her feet and says "There is something on your hair,".

It was just a freaky stamp, I don't know where it comes from or how it ends up on my hair. I snatch it off. I rolled my eyes and start walking,
She followed me too "Wait for me".

She keeps talking to me but I don't reply. Suddenly she stops. I turn and she wasn't there. "Alice?" I call. But no reply. She's nowhere to be found.

I run, heart-pounding deadly inside my chest, "Alice?" I yelled under my heavy breathing 'Where the hell she has gone?' I ask myself, pressing my fist to the side of the head.

I can feel some kind of pain in my chest, I don't know why. But it feels like something is ripped through it. I'm panting, running my hands through the hair again and again. Why am I behaving like this?

"Surprise!!!!!!!" someone shouts behind me, I turn and it's her. Before realising anything I tightly pull her into a hug "Don't you dare to do this ever again. Never..... Never..... Never..... Never go away from me" I whispered in her ears. That pain has gone now. I know I should yell at her for doing this stupid joke. But it's like I don't want to.

I pulled away and she looks startled, just blinking at me. While I rub the back of my neck, unable to meet her gaze. What did I just do? Shit.

This is when I realise that she's more than a friend. "I think it's time to go now," I say.

My thought breaks when someone knocked on my door, makes me realise that I'm in my darkroom not with her at the beach, and reminds me again that we're now living in a different world. She's close but far away from me. And I'm alone here in the darkness.

"Dorian? Are you in there?" Lewis yell behind the door. But I ignore it. I want to be alone. I sat up, pulling one knee up, resting my hand on it. I lean my head back against the wall "Get lost" I replied.

"Open the damn door, man".

I kept silent while unbuttoning my shirt and tossing it, don't know where. I silently traced down my wounds which are healed now, which kept reminding me that I shouldn't be with her.