The Loverboy

Hurt that can't Heal

I woke up the dreaded Tuesday of Tyler's funeral. I picked up my phone. I had a countless amount of notifications. Some were texts, and some were social media. I ignored the social media and looked at my texts. Most of them were just texts saying they were thinking of my family or they hoped I was doing okay. I had a text from Ashton, saying how much he loved me. Normally those texts made my day but today it was meaningless. I put on a black dress and some black heels. I simply brushed my hair and did my normal makeup.

I had never been to a funeral before. My grandma on my mom's side dies before I was born so I never went to her funeral. I was scared. I wasn't scared to talk in front of people, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to be strong. I wanted to put a smile on my face and keep my head up high, just like Tyler wanted me to, but I knew the second the ceremony started, I would break down. I was scared to go back to school, and face everybody. I was scared to go on with my life without my litter brother to brighten up my world in the way he did. I missed him already and it was only day five of him being away from us.

His bedroom door had been shut, and nobody was supposed to go in there.

I put on a few bracelets, including the one Tyler gave me to cover up my cuts. As much as I felt like I wanted to, I vowed not to today in honor of Tyler. I knew I needed to stop once and for all, but the monster consuming me was making me do things I didn't want to. I needed help, and the only thing keeping me going was Ashton, but it wasn't certain that he would stay. He broke up with me once, what if he did it again? Everything was uncertain.

If I could go back in time, I would have stopped Tyler from driving that day. I couldn't stop thinking about how things would be if he hadn't gotten behind the wheel. He would be here with us. He would be happy and healthy and alive.

The ride to the funeral was silent. Not a word was spoken. Not a sound was made. We stepped inside of the small church, where people were already present. Everybody was dressed in black clothing, talking quietly. I had many people come up to me and say they were very sorry, and that everything would be okay, but they didn't mean it. They weren't sorry. My brother had no significant role in their lives. Everything wasn't okay. My world was falling apart, and it didn't affect their world in the smallest bit. Their lives would go on, unaffected, unchanged. They wouldn't wake up every day for who knows how long with a monster of depression consuming them. They said everything was okay, but they had no idea what it felt like.

As I stood there while various people, some who I had never seen in my life, talked to me, Ashton, Luke, Michael, and Calum approached. Luke engulfed me in a hug, holding me tightly. The other boys joined in, but I didn't budge. I could barely feel anything. Ashton took his big hand in my small one. "I love you" He said, pecking my cheek. I didn't say anything back. My body had stopped feeling any emotion, other than sadness.

After the funeral began, it was my turn to get up and talk. I walked on the stage and unfolded a piece of notebook paper. I looked at the words I had scribbled down, and took a deep breath. I stood there in silence before I finally opened my mouth to talk.

"When I was three, I wanted a little brother more than anything in the world. Most little girls wanted a sister, or a puppy, or wanted to be an only child, but not me. Every night I prayed for a little brother that I would play with and grow up with, and nine months later, I had a brother. Growing up, we didn't always get along. Like every sibling ever, we fought a lot, and we had a love- hate relationship. One day when I was five, I asked my parents if we could take Tyler back. They said no, of course, and for a long time Tyler just seemed like an annoyance. Once we both entered our teenage years and we matured, we became the best of friends. As a teenager and still today, I struggled with having friends. I didn't and still don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do mean more than anything to me. Tyler was my best friend. He was the light in my life. He was somebody I could always talk to about anything. Even though he was younger than me , he protected me like an older brother." I paused and looked down. "But now he's gone. He's never coming back. He's in heaven now. I don't know why God took him, but it's sure going to be different down here without him. He's been gone for five days now, and I miss him terribly. Tyler was a great friend, brother, and person, and I am going to miss him every day until I'm with him with Jesus." I spoke.

I slowly walked off the stage and slipped out of the auditorium. I sat on the small, uncomfortable couch and buried my face in my hands. As much as I tried to fight tears I couldn't. The streamed down my face and left stains. I felt the couch dip, but I didn't look up. I automatically knew it was Ashton by the way he rubbed my back and held me close. He didn't say anything, he just sat there with me. I felt protected in his arms. I knew that as long as I had him I had something to hold on for. As long as I had my lover boy, I would be okay.

The End

A/N- this is the end of part one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you guys had as much fun reading this as I had writing it. This is my first fanfiction besides the one i wrote in a little book for my friends, and I've been so excited with the results! Please continue to support me and vote and comment and share!!! I'm just so excited with the feedback. This story if far from over, and the story of rowan and ashton has a lot more to it! I will be adding the first chapter to my sequel to the loverboy called 'don't leave' PLEASE GO CHECK IT OUT

Oh yeah and I just made a tumblr so please help a sister out and follow me @irweird_1994