Veiled Affection

Chapter Thirty five

It started when we got back to the hotel. I got back to my room, she got back to hers. So far so good, one might say. But it was when I metaphorically unwinded - dressed into my sweatpants, put on my sweater, and sat myself down to read a book - that the falter started to happen.

See I opened the book in my hand, and when I did, I wasn't able to concentrate on even three lines, before my thoughts went out to that day's debacle at the conference. It must have been because all distractions had gone that day, and when I was alone in my room, in silence, I couldn't possibly revel in my ''thought-free'' realm no more.

And so my thoughts again went out to the conference, and the initial cause of my debacle. My wicked-thought was again presented to me. And, again, I play the pregnancy-card here by saying that that thought suddenly seemed hyper realistic: my life was so little, and I seemed so little in her life.

Consumed by this thought, I shut my book, grabbed my phone, and texted her to come over. Surely she could talk some sense into me.

You come to me, is what she replied. Ah, yes... She was still tipsy. Quite possibly in the mood for sex, too.

She proved me to be right once I knocked on her door, and she opened the door. She dragged me in all right. Shut the door, pushed me against it and pressed her lips on mine. And how such a situation could turn sour... It makes me wince every time I think about it.

Me being the nitwit that I am, I pushed her back.

''I didn't come here for that.'' I said.

She smiled. ''For what?''

She really made me say it. I already sensed she was in one of those provocative, flirtatious moods. And how I could love those moments of her, yet with my mental decay, it seemed, I couldn't.

''Sex.''

She laughed, tilted her head back even, then looked at me with a glint in her eyes.

''All right,'' She went to the bed and sat down. ''To what do I owe the pleasure?''

In that moment, being forthright and honest was my choice of approach. ''I don't feel well.'' I said.

She cocked her head, and with a low voice, she said: ''I know what would make you feel better.''

I stared at her, gave her a look that indicated I wasn't up for anything of the sort, indicating that I was being serious.

Her smile never faltered. ''Come sit with me,'' She said and patted the bed with one of her hands.

I came and sat next to her, and it didn't even took one second before she leaned in and her arms were around me.

''What is it?'' She whispered, her head on my shoulder.

I kept quiet. I only shrugged, abandoning my forthrightness already. I suppose I just needed another punch to go off of. And then she gave it to me:

''I saw you leave this afternoon,'' She said, her arms still around me. ''During the conference.''

I took a hard swallow. I leaned back and met her eyes. And then I cried. Of course I did. I have outplayed the pregnant-card by now, as I am aware, but tears came. And then my wicked-thought just popped out, right in the way that it came that afternoon.

''You are a chapter in my book, and I am merely a line in yours.''

She looked at me questionably.

''What?'' She smiled a little. ''Is this some line out of a novel?''

I swallowed my tears away, shook my head. ''It is what I thought. At the conference.''

''It is a pretty sentence.''

''No, Cate, you don't - it is the truth. It is what I felt, looking at you this afternoon. Hearing you... You said I am just a part of your life.'' I said, which is completely false. She didn't say anything of the sort during that conference. But I claimed it nonetheless, swept up in emotion I was, you see. And I wasn't even finished.

''And I am,'' I continued. There just was no stopping me. I kept on going, she kept on listening. ''I see it now. How little my life is. How little I am in your life.''

And then I stopped, wiped my tears away, and was confronted by her everlasting gaze. I was about to mutter anything that would phase out the silence, but then she spoke at last.

''What did I just listen to?'' She said. ''Did you put a little extra something in your drink and I didn't notice?''

''Will you stop making light of this!'' I stood up and walked away.

''June, darling,'' She said. ''What is it that is on your mind?''

I turned around.

''I am such a small part in your life.'' I said.

''Don't say that. I love you.''

''You love Andrew. He is not a part of your life anymore.''

''I need you to stop sounding ridiculous.''

''And I need you to stop being so ignorant.''

She looked at me for a moment and smiled in a way that people do when they witness something outlandish. She then shrugged it off by shaking her head.

''If I said what you deem I said,'' She started. ''How could you possibly draw such conclusions? 'You are little in my life?' What does that even mean?''

''You said what I told you,'' I lied. I didn't know I lied. ''Don't question my words.''

''June, I don't know half the time what I say in moments like those.''

''That makes me feel better.'' I scoffed.

''What do you want me to say then?''

''Tell me I am wrong.''

''I can't believe you need me to tell you that.'' She huffed. ''What, do you think I hadn't had enough of acting when I get home? Do you think that acting is all I do? Day in, day out?''

''You are missing the point, Cate -''

''There isn't one to begin with!'' She said and stood up. We stood face-to-face, a few steps apart. ''I can't have this conversation with you right now. I am tired and not in the mood to deal with your drama.'' She was nearly yelling. ''I just want to get some sleep. Jesus!''

I had it coming. Of course I did. After all the false claims that I had made, after all the idiotic things that I had said, I must have known that I had it coming. But I didn't.

''My drama?'' I said, deeply affected. ''I come here to you to share the truth - my deepest thought - and to you this is some theatrical scene?''

''Don't say anything to me about sharing truths.'' She sneered. ''Come to me when you are actually ready to share the truth. With everyone.''

As if it wasn't already enough, she brought our prior point of conflict up as well. Now did she have every right in doing so? Perhaps. I only know that I had to be put in my place, and it seemed she knew precisely what to say for me to fall into silence. I looked down.

''Get out.'' I then heard.

I stiffened for a moment. I met her eyes and she wasn't sad or affected or beaten. Her blue eyes showed such hot fire in that moment. I have never seen Cate that furious, either before or since. It pains me now, looking back. And to think only I was to blame... Or was it the fact that I was pregnant? No, I can't say that it was. It was just messed-up, fickle, flawed me. And rightfully upset, tipsy Cate.

We didn't share anymore words that evening. I did as she said, and when I got back to my room, tears streamed down my face as I took off my makeup, brushed my teeth, undressed, went to bed and fell asleep.