Veiled Affection

Chapter Thirty nine

I read my favorite book for the hundredth time that following morning. Every sentence, every phrase, it seems I have them all memorized. There aren't any surprises, and there haven't been ever since I read it for a second time many years ago. It must have been close to the tenth time that I read it that morning. Ten times over, I have read the same words pasted together on those, by now, worn-out pages.

At least I know of how it ends. In real life it just all depends.

And the fact that I am making up rhymes now, too, goes to show how desperate I am to make some things clear.

You see, ever since those few days before, when the fact of our secret to be revealed utterly terrified me, I felt a great sense of disappointment in myself. I thought I had had my full circle moment in Italy, when I at last concluded I wanted everybody to know about us. Yet now all of the sudden, back at home, I pulled back from my statement (I must add not aloud, for I hadn't told Cate anything thus far. As far as her knowledge went, we would come up with a suitable tactic for our revelation, and that would be it).

Anyhow, it was during that morning, and I was reading my book, that I realized a most scrutinizing fact of myself: I was deeply terrified of change.

I stuck it out with my ex-husband for ten years; I don't think that I have written this down yet, but I was anxious about us selling our previous house, and moving to this one; I am a Taurus, so that never helps regarding the matter.

'Then what about the change of Cate appearing into my life, and the fact that I welcomed her into my life with my arms wide open (and my legs spread-out- no, I shan't be making this obscene)', I hear as a question. Well that change was good. She was perfect.

There was a lot of uncertainty in the earliest stages of our acquaintanceship, but those were all well worth the risk. And I suppose in this particular situation, it is the fact that I was unaware of what I was striving towards, thus incapable of weighing out whether that mystery was worth it or not; because I hadn't the faintest idea what would happen if our relationship was disclosed.

I sure hope what I have written above isn't too tedious, boring or even skip-worthy. If it is, well, I fully understand. I will ramble on if there is no one to stop me.

A very long, scattered story short: the realization of me being afraid of change, made it clear for me why I hesitated all of the sudden to let our secret be revealed. And now an even shorter recognition: I had to tell Cate.

It was a bright and sunny morning that day. Whilst I was reading my book (until I wasn't anymore, and I couldn't stop thinking and thinking and thinking), Cate was outside making a phone call. She came from the garden into the living room, on the phone, smiling. She kissed me on the top of your head, and settled in the seat opposite from me, fanning her face with her hand.

''Hot,'' She mouthed.

I headed into the kitchen and poured her a glass of water. She finished up the phone call when I returned.

''Yes... And you are certain it is nowhere near you... I will send a copy... A picture is fine?... Yes, sure.... All right, bye.''

She hung up the phone and sighed. ''Tell me, how exactly can a person be so dependent?''

I smiled. ''What is it?''

I handed her the glass of water.

''Oh you're a sweetheart,'' She said and took a gulp, then set the glass aside and stood up. ''I need to send over a script because (insert any actor, I wouldn't have a clue) suddenly lost his,'' She investigated the room, in search of the script in question, in between all the books and papers lying around. ''I must have it lying around here somewhere...''

I sat down again on the couch. My eyes followed her loose lean figure. Then I looked beside me and caught sight of the book I was reading. I recalled the reason why I stopped reading it.

''I changed my mind.'' I suddenly said.

''About what darling?'' She asked. Her back was to me, her hands sifted through a stack of papers.

''Will you come sit with me?''

She stopped what she was doing and looked at me, a look indicating she realized my request suggested this wasn't some whimsy comment. She came and sat on the chair opposite from where I sat on the couch.

''I told you about my realization in Italy,''

''Yes.''

Now, how am I going to tell her I changed my mind, I briefly thought.

''And you changed your mind.'' She said.

''Did I say that out loud?''

''You didn't have to.''

I know I could have asked her how she knew, but that was all beside the point.

''Well,'' I said. ''What do you think?''

''Of what? Be specific.''

''Please don't make this any more difficult,''

Cate gave me a long look as though she was trying to read my thoughts. She grabbed the glass of water in front of her, took a sip and leaned back in her seat.

''What made you think differently?'' She asked, and so I explained to her the realization that struck me a few moments earlier.

''Haven't we already gone over this?'' She said. ''I know as much of what could happen as you do. But that query needn't be the reason we shouldn't lay our cards out on the table.'' Another sip. ''Tell me, do you want me to give you a motivational pep-talk on how to overcome your fears - of all the benefits it would bring?''

''Don't be absurd,''

''Don't be precarious.'' She said in an instant. ''Really, June, don't be. It doesn't suit you.''

A flash of tensity as we sat there looking at each other. Please no discussion, I thought, no fight. Not this time.

''I thought everything suited me.'' I said, and the pressure had gone. She smiled.

''Of course. Silly me.''

She then mentioned something about a squirrel she caught sight of outside and dragged me along with her to see if it was still there, and thereby the main topic at hand wasn't discussed again for another few days. When it was mentioned again, by her, it happened in a way I most certainly didn't expect. But until that time things stayed as they were: secretive and sublime.

I suspect any outsider might sigh out of impatience. I feel as if I am writing a terrible novel wherein the climax keeps being put off.

Continuing that day, the squirrel was gone, but she then lead me even further into the garden, and told me of some other sight I needed to see. We walked through the wide open space. My eyes followed her eased figure walking about the place. When she got into stride and a smile cracked open her featured, I wondered if what people see matches what is. I suspected it does.

We ended up spending the day outside, only going in for toilet visits and food. Her poor colleague didn't get a picture of the script until the day after.