Veiled Affection

Chapter Fourteen

I had known from the very start that either one of us would follow through with our want for a divorce. It was just a matter of time to tell who would be the first.

So when we were in bed, and she said she wanted to divorce, I knew perfectly well what she meant. But regardless of that awareness, I was an expert in ignoring it altogether.

''Of course you will,'' I said lying next to her. ''As will I.''

I have no hard time imagining how I felt in that moment, for I can recall it well, the incredible amount of denial I was in.

''I'm going to tell him, June. Tomorrow.''

''Tomorrow?'' I quickly answered, and my denial grew to be more hopeless.

''Yes. The kids won't be home. It will be just him and I.'' She spoke calmly, and I long noticed the thought that went behind her decision.

''And then what?'' I asked.

She didn't answer for a moment. Instead, she looked at me, and took a deep sigh, before saying at last: ''I don't know.''

Then the silence seemed to last forever as we looked out the window, absorbed in thought.

A divorce... As inevitable as it was, her bringing it up came as a surprise nonetheless. Like a punch that hits you in the face, quite suddenly and unexpected. And painful, too. The changes that were going to happen were completely unknown to me, and that alone caused for my stress to surge.

Would he know? Would Andrew know about our intimate ties? Sure Cate could explain her deep, heartfelt reasons for her decision, and he would come to understand the burden and suffering the family was in even before I had anything to do with it. But wouldn't he then see the actuality of it all? Wouldn't he notice all those little moments in which we perhaps acted out of the ordinary? Like we had something to hide? Couldn't he see right through our little act right when he would hear those words: ''I want a divorce.''? Wouldn't something just click inside his brain?

Such was my thought pattern back then as I lay besides her. But then, with every unruled thinking session, mine came to a halt as well, as I remembered that the uncontrollable future must be just that - uncontrollable. 'What will be will be', I kept repeating in my head, in the hopes that I would believe myself.

''So it's really going to happen.'' I softly said.

''It is.''

''And I can't change your mind?''

''No, you can't.'' She answered decided.

''Right,'' I took a deep sigh. ''Shall I do it too, then? Break it off with Gregory.''

She turned her head to me and smiled. ''Whatever you wish.''

I struggled to find a meaning behind that smile. It couldn't possible have been that she conveyed her preference (although I might have sensed she was in favor of me choosing divorce) - it was a decision for me to make, and she knew that all too well. But then, it was to impish for it to be a consoling smile. Perhaps I was thinking too much about it at the time, and I made it all to be bigger than it was. Perhaps I was seeking out foolish thoughts for distraction to keep my mind off of what was about to happen: I may have not made my choice yet, but she was decisive in hers. And just as she had told me, the following day she put that choice into action.

I remember sitting in my study, my mind distracted by anticipation, in wait of her text message. One simple notification that she would send shortly after she had told him. As soon as not she, but he would have finished his talk, that concluded a lot of pleading, begging perhaps, in the hopes of changing her mind, or to somehow influence her decision. That would end with him finally deciding to give up, and his last words would be shared, and in my mind, he would storm out the room.