Burns

6.

"Where is it?!" I growled.

I searched for my favourite black beanie everywhere in my room but I couldn't find it. Perhaps I had mistakenly thrown it out? It wasn't possible. I wouldn't have been that careless. That beanie meant a lot to me. It was the last thing my mum had bought for me before she died. I chuckled sadly, remembering how I had thrown a tantrum for the beanie. I wanted it so badly.

I rubbed my face, letting out a puff of frustration. Goddammit! Where could it be? 

It's been a week since Bill had brought his car for me to fix up and he had been true to his words. I had found a car-parts vendor online and he had the needed parts for the Thunderbird. I had told Bill the prices and he made a transfer for me to place the orders. They were supposed to come in today.

I was getting ready to go pick up the package when I started looking for the beanie. I felt like wearing it today. I ran a hand through my messy hair. I needed that beanie, it was more of sentimental value to me. I always felt like I was closer to my mum anytime I had it on.

Back then during the first couple years of her death, I never took it off. I wore it everywhere. It was getting unhealthy for me so I stopped. I needed to remind myself that the thin material wasn't my mother, It was just a beanie which she had bought for me.

I had ransacked every-freaking-where but I couldn't find it… I just couldn't find it. With a frustrated growl, I banged my fists angrily against the door, tipping my head back to draw in deep breaths with my eyes shut.

I figured life wanted me to be rid of it, so I'd stop feeling like I needed it to feel her presence. So with a sad smile gracing my dry lips, I sank to my knees. I spent a couple minutes silent on the floor, before I got the courage to sadly let go. "I miss you mum. Fuck, I miss you so darn much. Back then when the taunting started, I wasn't feeling it that much because I had you and now that you're gone, it just feels like hell…" tears stung my eyes as I tried so hard not to let them run free.

She would hate to see me cry, not anymore. I hadn't shed a tear in years but today, not finding that beanie pushed a button that destabilized my unhealthy emotional balance.

"The beanie… it was the last thing you got for me and after you left, I just felt like I needed to have it so I could feel your presence. And though I later realized that that wasn't the case, it wasn't how it was supposed to be, it still feels like a big part of me has gone lost along with the beanie. It hurts— this town, his house, everything is just bittersweet for me." My broken voice was barely audible. The tears that teased my eyes never fell. I was left with empty feelings.

I gently brought my head up. This room that I now slept in and turned to my room was hers and the guest room was my room. My parents used to sleep together in this very room. "Everyone hates me mum and I'm glad you're resting because honestly, it would have doubled the heartbreak if you'd been here to keep bearing the taunts. I just hope you're happy wherever you are. Please be happy because if you're okay, I'm okay."

I gradually got up and exhaled deeply. I fluttered my eyes around before proceeding to arrange the things I had scattered in my search. 

I grabbed my headphones and my phone then headed out to the shed. I had started working on Bill's car and I was certain that I'd have it ready within the next two weeks. With a deep exhale, I trotted to the shed. I cast my eyes on the hood that was flipped open and stared at the nearly empty space. I had taken out the faulty engine and batteries and all that yesterday and today, I had planned to have them replaced as soon as my delivery arrives.

I wore my headphones, raising it to the highest volume. I was still in a bad mood but the music was soothing. Carefully, I began unhinging the doors with a tool. My bandana was tied on my head like a scarf with goggles shielding my eyes and I got to work.