Burns

19.

Her proposal haunted my mind like a vile phantom. I tossed for the umpteenth time on my bed, no matter how hard I tried the sleep wasn't forthcoming nor was the comfort I was desperately chasing. I growled and tossed the pillow faraway in anger. I threw my head back on my bed and I repeated the action over and over again till I felt the sharp sting of a headache brewing. I wanted her out of my head desperately, but that damned kiss had my mind infected with needy and ecstatic thoughts that dominated my body heavily. 

I groaned in frustration for the umpteenth time. This wasn't working. Trying to take my mind off her was only bringing her further into my mind, making desire seep into my veins like a deadly poison. A poison that threatened to push my sanity and control till I give in. I hissed at the swollen organ that had begun throbbing painfully in my pants. I peeked through my lashes, at the tent in my pants and threw my head back with force, cursing inwardly. This was getting out of hand and it was all her fault. I've never had to suffer an erection of this kind before. I did get hard occasionally but it was of natural and normal causes, not because of a girl. These days I drifted in and out of stubborn erections and their stay-duration got longer each time it came. I knew I had a very long and uncomfortable night coming my way.

Shit!

I couldn't do anything to take my mind off her. Every attempt I made was futile everytime I tried. I had earlier tried to work on my laptop but I gave up after staring at the blank screen with a blank mind. My fingers hovered on the keyboard as my eyes intently stared at the annoying blinking cursor. Nearly an hour of absolutely nothing, I angrily gave up and put my laptop to rest.

I spread my arms out and stared at the rotating fan sitting on the ceiling. Every corner of my mind had been invaded by her. Her eyes, her smile, her quirkiness, her expressions, her voice … every-fucking-thing about her was slowly seeping into my head. Lost in thoughts about her and the recent turnout of events, I found a genuine smile, a smile that was derived from the depth of my heart resting on my lips. It was a full blown smile. She was messing with my head and ruining me.

I sighed, closed my eyes and reminisced. I was looking at my life in retrospect, and a curse rested on the tip of my tongue. I had said 'yes' to her offer in the rush of the moment. The thought of having her leave me alone was so enticing I jumped at it. I needed her to stop invading my world, to stop making me feel things that reached the depths of my soul and turned the dreariness to have a glimpse of light and flutter. Yet, despite all the convincing thoughts, a little part of me was still willing to be selfish. I wanted to feel, I wanted to live, I wanted to see more of the world, I wanted to discover who I truly was. But those thoughts only existed in the deepest compartment of my heart, locked away by years of empathy and hatred towards the world and myself. 

How could I live and discover who I was when I had grown to hate and despise my mere existence along with the world I lived in. I had envy in me. I envied Brec. She had a family, friends, people who loved and cherished her deeply; while I had absolutely no one. I had been alone for so long that such feelings died out, getting stabbed by the heartbreak I held in my heart over and over. But just spending little time with her, that envy, that feeling to be loved, to be accepted, to be someone to anyone had fluttered awake and the endless and antagonizing battle I was fighting with myself, was my mind going into defence. 

I didn't want to yearn again and not have it. It was easier to live without wanting something deeply than living with wants you can never have. My heart squeezed at the mere thought of it. Pain poured into my scarred heart even more.

The buzzing from my phone yanked my attention back to reality. I turned and lazily reached for my phone that was resting on the nightstand. I stared at the music that was playing, 'someone to you by Banners'. I turned it off and glanced at the screen. It appeared to have been a missed facetime from Brec. I found myself biting my lower lip. I grew anxious at the same time contemplating if I should acknowledge the missed call.