Burns

30.

A searing pain tore through my neck and my eyes snapped open. I tried moving to adjust my body but again, the pain stabbed me. I gripped my neck and with clenched teeth, cracked it. I swallowed the curse word that sat at the tip of my tongue. That was really painful. I rubbed my neck, massaging my sore muscles with a low groan.

I paused and flickered my eyes around, taking in the beautiful green scenery. I looked back and it appeared that I had fallen asleep against a thick tree. My head ached and I suddenly recalled losing my shit at Brecley and running into the woodland. I groaned and threw my head back. I was suddenly wishing that the pain in my neck hadn't woken me up. I hadn't gotten much sleep last night and a sleep that had no nightmare was very much appreciated by me. I just wished they'd stop haunting me but I was glad it wasn't the events that led to my father's awful death that chose to haunt me this time around—I might have had a worse panic attack if it was.

I leaned my body into the tree, not caring that it was the least healthy thing for my body. I knew I was risking another stiff neck with the uncomfortable way my body was leaning against the tree but I really didn't bother to care in the slightest. I hugged my knee to my chest and dangled my hands from my kneecaps, my head hung low as I thought about my life up till this very point. And believe me, the sinking feeling of pure dejection made me growl.

So much for trying to live past my misery and discover the inner me. I scoffed at that thought. It was beginning to seem stupid at this point.

A feeling gnawed at the back of my mind and I winced. I recognized that feeling, it was the need to apologize to her because even though she was in the wrong, I was equally wrong for yelling at her and slightly attacking her. I wondered what she thought of me now—which was now happening a lot—probably a monster, like the others. I sighed and tipped my head back to rest against the tree. I didn't care if bits of tree trunk were getting wedged into my hair. I could always wash it out and be free of it, but you can't wash off a terrible reputation… it haunts you.

I hurt Brec. I couldn't control my emotions and ended up lashing out on her. The way her eyes widened in fear as I held her against the wall by the neck, shattered me.

"... you're your father's son after all, an apple never falls far from the tree… who knows, you might be a monster just like he was…"

Words said by people which echoed in my head in clusters, jumbled together. My eyes widened in fear and my walls collapsed as anxiety and raw fear washed over me. I didn't want to be a monster, I didn't want to end up like he did. I didn't exactly get to hear his side of the story before he was mercilessly shot dead before my very eyes, I didn't get to find out how it all began, what made him a monster.

He was always wearing that smile… even till the minutes of his death. He never let his emotions show, he only let off what he wanted the world to see. How was he before he snapped? They say it takes a tiny detail to make a person snap and you never really know when that is going to be. That was my biggest fear… a fear that ate deep into me, rooting in the depth of my heart, creeping onto me like a venomous shadow stalking towards its prey. It made me vulnerable to it… my panic attacks revealed it.

Then came Brec, a spontaneous wild cherry blooming in a sunlit garden. She was funny, sweet, and full of spunk. I admired her because she was everything I was. She had everything I didn't. She was very beautiful, with a smile that could light up the room. Her expressions were to die for and if not that I was broken beyond repair, I wouldn't have been able to count how many times she'd have me laughing.

The thought alone made me want to smile. Already she's had ghostly smiles slipping from me, making warmth erupt in my heart. I hated the fact that she had been interested in someone like Jarvin… he didn't deserve her and neither did I.