Burns

21.

I looked awful, horrible, terrible… name it. A zombie would be a model compared to me at the very moment. I had dark circles around my eyes and purple eye bags. My pupils were tiny and my eyes red. I barely got any sleep last night and when my eyes had finally shut and my mind had fallen into a slumber, a horrendous dream— a mixture of my desires and needs, with Brec being at the receiving end of my lust, moaning and writhing in pleasure—plagued my mind.

I had woken up sweating with a racing mind and a painful throb in-between my legs that was aching. I believe I suffered blue balls up until the late hours of the morning. I lowered my head and spat out the toothpaste then proceeded to rinse my mouth. I cleaned my toothbrush and placed it inside my cup, along with the toothpaste. I kept my mouth tools in a little white cup on the bathroom sink because I loved it that way, it was organized. In summary, I suffered from OCD. I turned off the faucet and grabbed a towel to dry my face.

I was raining curses internally. Fuck Brec for ruining my night. I was feeling oddly hot and with a cranky hiss, headed into the shower cubicle. I didn't bother to take off my sweatpants beforehand. I stretched forward my hand and ran the water.

Cold droplets hit my bare back and a shiver traveled down my spine. I placed my forehead against the shower wall, heavy breaths leaving my mouth in pants. If the water could wash away my troubles, dilemma and feelings, then I was sure it would have. My back muscles tensed before relaxing. I raised my hands and took it behind to caress my back's shoulder region. I had a tattoo of my mother's name sitting on that particular part of my skin. Grey. That was her name. 

I might have felt hatred and anger towards her for leaving me all alone in this world at a tender age despite everything, but I couldn't hate her the way I wanted to. I loved her so much and I understood her pain. She had no one, she felt alone and was convinced that this world was not meant for her anymore. I wondered if she ever thought of me before tying that noose. Perhaps if she did, she wouldn't have had the courage to go ahead. Did I even mean anything important? I wish I really did because then she wouldn't have killed herself and left her only child, a young thirteen year old that was also having a hard time handling the repercussions of Matt's actions, all alone in the world. 

I banged my folded fist against the wall angrily, repeatedly. What was she thinking when she wrote that letter, addressed it to me, tied a noose around her neck and tipped her stool? Did she even think about what would become of me?

Images of a younger me shaking her body, screaming for her to wake up with a mother's day card on the floor right next to me haunted my mind like a vengeful ghost. I was helpless, I had no clue what to do, I just wanted her to wake up and when she didn't, something snapped inside me. I called the ambulance and sat on the front steps of the porch waiting for them. My tears had somehow stopped and the only evidence of my broken spirit was my shallow voice that was heavily rough and husky.

Rumors had flown around. They got one thing right, that she was dead. The rest was a mixture of more fallacy than truth. While some said she died in a home freak-accident, a couple more were accurate about her cause of death, others said I killed my mother. I did get investigated but the investigation was called off when evidence proved me innocent. I was the center of questioning stares and murmurs  whenever I passed by. Some people still believed the awful rumor that I had killed my ma till today and though I had no clue who had started it, I was certain that he or she was one day again away from death because I was going to rip them apart if I were to ever find him or her.

My eyes stared down at the water rippling at my feet. I closed my eyes, adjusting the band of my pants, ready to pull it off. I was ready for a full shower. It was no secret that I was not happy with my life, what surprised me was how images from that obnoxious dream infiltrated my mind like a stealthy ninja.