Teach Me How To Love [mxmxm]

XXII

[Jae Lim]

My eyes, although begging to close, trailed along the iridescent room, the walls painting a picture that I wished to remember. The ringing screams of the silence bugged my ears, threatening to burst my eardrums. Without any method of telling the days apart, I waited for the old man with his syringe of clear liquid to come into this room so that I could count my days.

As if he always knew that the rooms turned back into their black walls and the cold concrete remained under my feet, he came back with his little syringe and pumped me full of that shit—that shit that made everything go away.

It was so good—made me feel nothing when fucking So-Young wanted to take her frustrations out on me, nothing when the impact of those hits met my skin nor when she tried to talk to me.

Somewhere in between the numbness that it delivered and the consciousness that it gave me was just enough to keep me unsteady and still compliant. The sound of water as it rushed by my ears even when the room was drier than the Sahara was dizzying.

The madness that filled me as sounds that I couldn't tell were happening around me or not, as I watched the room morph into a sick paradise, a sick dream of taunts.

"Jae~"

It seemed like the worst was here to taunt me once again.

I tried to close my eyes, ignoring them as their footsteps resounded around the room. It sounded so clear but I knew the moment that I craved every day would leave me with something akin to agony each time it happened. There was no getting my hopes up now.

"You're not real," I croaked out to them, unwilling to sit through yet another scenario that they would vanish from.

"We're right here, kitten. You called for us."

With as much willpower as I could manifest, my head shook slightly. "No, you guys always do this to me. You always show up and when I finally believe you, you disappear. It's not fair."

The sting of a thousand bees pricked my eyes and even with the lack of nourishment in me, the tears built up behind my eyelids, pushing to run down my cheeks.

"Open your eyes, Jae. We're right here."

No, I didn't want to believe it again. Right when I think I can finally escape, they disappear and leave me in this room and the only person who ever comes right after is So-Young.

"We tried so hard to find you. Come on, didn't you want to see us?"

I tried shaking my head no but the energy allocated to crying used up any other response possible.

"Look, you're crying. Is it because you're scared of us?"

My eyes flew open. "No!"

Gone.

Alone in the black room once again.

The cry built up in my throat as I choked on my breath, agony filling me as screaming filled the room. My fists curled into themselves, nails digging into my palm hard enough to evoke blood that ran down my hands, giving some semblance to the warmth that I craved from the illusions.

You always do this! Make me believe and vanish before my eyes! Make me hope and leave so I can fucking cry my heart out and crave you more! Is that what you wanted?

"Is that what you fucking wanted?"

My screams bounced off the walls, echoing through the room to feed me more. Curses and rattling chains, shrieks of pain and bloodshot eyes. Was that all that was left for me?