Teach Me How To Love [mxmxm]

XXX

trigger warning for grief and hints of SH

[Jae Lim]

How can I explain it? That sort of heavy numbness that weighs on my shoulders, unwilling to let me move. As I lay in my bed, my body turned to the side as my eyes caught sight of the small toy train on my table, everything I wished to forget decided it was a good time to flood my brain.

There are no tears—and there's an unsettling fear that I no longer know how to do that. No longer know anything besides the numbing rage.

No sadness. No grief. No joy. Nothing.

Every day, I go through the same motions, as if I'm playing repeat on my days. And I lay here in my bed, while the sun struggles to shine through the heavy clouds of grey and I almost wish for it to rain so that at least something will reflect the turmoil inside of me.

But I can't go to visit them, so I must make do with the shrine at home.

So, I drag myself out the bed and my heavy feet bring me to the shrine of Natsume and Hideaki. The flat is filled with deafening silence, the only sound of footsteps and cars passing by outside the door.

My knees hit the floor with nothing less than two loud thuds. The dull pain keeps me in check just as it once used to.

My eyes fixate on Natsumi's photo—her easy smile that always welcomed me into their place even though she knew the kind of man I was, the gentle tilt of her head, the round fill of her cheeks, the small wrinkles by her eyes. She was nothing less than a mother to me—someone she knew nothing of. Someone she trusted and someone who betrayed her.

As my eyes close, I try to remember that photo of her, captured in eternal joy; but the memories of her body hitting the floor flash by my eyes, blaring blood red scattered across the floors and walls, hands covered in red as noona tried to bring her back.

My eyes snapped open and this time, they fell onto the small frame of Hideaki. He couldn't contain that crooked grin of his, a couple of his teeth missing, and that crazy hair of his that they tried to make nice for the photo only for him to mess around and make it look like a bird's nest. He didn't anything of this world—he was simply a small boy who looked at the world in wonder.

How could I forgive myself for ripping him away from this world so quickly?

Unable to face them without waves of guilt washing over me, my head dropped until my chin tucked into my chest, my silent wishing for a reminder of my punishment. The craving for pain became my escape from the unyielding remorse and concentrated bitterness—a way to be forgiven for my sins.

The urge to go against everything that noona ever told me is unbearable and I can't help but feel like I'm spiraling—spiraling down a never-ending pit of despair.

But it could never amount to the amount of pain and fear that they felt before they passed. I couldn't even give them that. I couldn't even allow them the peace and honor that came with death. I thrusted that pain upon them with my own two hands—my hands that hadn't learned the weight of my lesson.

Unconsciously, my nails dug into the palms of my hand, wishing for the calm that came after the pain. When it didn't work, those nails went digging deeper into my skin, thirsty for blood. Anything to punish me.

"Jae!"

My head snapped up. I hadn't heard anyone come in and even worse, my eyes fell on the figures of the two men in my life that simply couldn't stay away. Despite everything they had witnessed of me, this was the one last shameful act I never wanted to be discovered. 

Anything but this.

They dropped the bags in their hands and stumbled over their feet, scrambling to reach me.