Am I Crazy?

Everything was red

Jisung

Ever since that day in the library Minho has been avoiding me, he hasn't even come to our lunch spot. Maybe I'm over thinking things and he's just busy he was the one who kissed me first so why would he avoid me?

I thought something good has finally come into my life and it would overpower all the horrible things that I've had to endure throughout my life. I guess I was really getting my hopes up this time. At least its finally the weekend I guess, another two days for me to sit at home and do homework and endure what my father throws at me.

Last class of the day and Minho avoids me like the plague, I just watch him over with his friends laughing about something stupid no less. Every now and then I'll see him look my way only to immediately look away.

"Minhoe! So, I heard some guy sucked you in the bathroom the other day." Chan chuckled hitting Minho on the arm. "Ooh do tell!" Hyunjin chimed in. "And why would I tell you motherfuckers. But it felt so fucking good." Minho smirked.

Hearing their conversation made my heart drop, I suddenly had the feeling of uneasiness and wanting to throw up. So, I guess that day he kissed me was for fun? I quickly looked away from the group when Chan had noticed me.

"Oh, look little closet boy is crying!" Chan yelled from across the room. "Looks like someone had one sided feelings for our boy here." Changbin laughed. 

Minho had saw me and said nothing, no defending me or making up some lame excuse. He just let them laugh at me and call me names, I guess I should just be grateful one of them didn't come at me.

"Come on guys, I'm sure... someone will find him attractive..." Minho grinned. "Fuck I doubt it." Chan said.

Finally, the fucking bell rang. I was out of that classroom so fast I didn't even bother to put my shit back in my locker.

As soon as I got home, I went up to my bedroom and flung myself on the bed letting my sobs come out.

Am I really that unattractive?

Does everyone find me disgusting?

Am I the crazy person everyone thinks I am?

So many of these thoughts ran through my head and I didn't even know what to think anymore. All those times spent together, was it just him being "friendly" to me as in hey I was bored so I just wanted to play with you.

Fuck my life.

The worst part was him not even showing an ounce of sorry for me. No concern whatso ever on his face. I guess he is like his friends after all at least the making fun of part anyways.

After what seemed like hours of crying and just starring into space looking at the time it was 8pm and no sign of my father yet. He must be office drinking and probably working on trying to acquire whatever he's trying to take from Mr. Lee.

So, when the time comes and father sets foot inside the house, I will not even fucking care at this point.

I made my way to the bathroom and was going to get ready for bed, but something caught my eye. I looked over in the basket on the shelf and saw it, the blade I kept hidden yet noticeable for any time I needed it.

I think the only time I ever used it was the time after my mother's death and one of the reasons I was admitted into the institution. I had cut myself where it would be less visible but only, I would know where I had cut into my emotions. I never wanted to use it again because I hated how it made me feel but it took away some of my pain ironically.

I took it out of the basket and held the cold metal in my hand turning it over and over again my hand and grazing my finger over the blade.

What's the point anymore?

I took off my pants and pointed the blade towards my inner thigh as I felt the sting of the blade, I slowly made a long cut along my skin. I hissed as I watched the blood drip down somehow it felt soothing and numb at the same time. I made a few more cuts until my leg was red with blood and I threw the blade in the sink.

I sank down to the ground watching the blood pool around me, not enough to kill me but just enough for me to feel what it would be like to slowly lose myself.

I didn't even care when my father burst into my bedroom to find me not there and push the bathroom door open.

"Jisung! What the fuck do you think you're doing? You think this little stunt of yours will do anything for you, I guess you were a-asking for it." My father stammered drunkenly. "You're saving me from beating your ass. Another trip to the institution for you."

"What no hospital?" I grinned. "Don't be a smartass! Keep this shit up and you'll end up just like your mother." My father full on slapped my causing my head to hit the side of the sink.

I sat there and just smiled at my father.