Am I Crazy?

My home

Two weeks had gone by since Jisung was admitted back into the institution, two long hard weeks and it was only the beginning.

Everyone around him had told him that things would get better, that this place would help him, and it was something he couldn't forget. Each time admitted was the same all over again but this time it felt different.

He wondered why this time was any different than all the all times he was admitted.

Every day was the same, there was a set schedule for everything. Every part of his day was planned out. Early in the morning Jisung was required for his daily checkup and had to strip down to just his underwear and step on a scale after that you went to the cafeteria for breakfast.

Jisung was glad there were still some of the same patients there as before and including Hyunjin's sister, so he wasn't all alone.

After breakfast came the daily activities, then group therapy, and Jisung's favorite private therapy. At least he didn't have to deal with the same therapist as before the one who reported to his father. He too was taken into custody with the help of Felix of course who was a volunteer here at the institution.

Soon after was lunch then some free time, dinner and more checkups.

Every day was the same, every fucking day.

Jisung felt as if he was on autopilot, he did everything he was supposed to, but he felt like he was watching himself from afar. Every day, every second felt as if he wasn't himself anymore, he had felt empty before, but this time is different.

He was extremely empty.

When he was still in the hospital healing from his injuries, towards the last few days he finally allowed himself to cry. Not for his father but for falling for someone who never truly loved him, Minho was a ghost.

No where to be found or heard from, not even his family would say where he was.

Jisung felt so lost and hurt he felt the urge to do something that he hadn't done in forever.

Hurt himself.

He wished he had died that night, but being in a hospital they were too fast to stop him from going further.

Jisung barely spoke to anyone, neither did he want to or have the energy too. In group therapy he simply just listened to what the other patients had to talk about, but he never tried to say anything. There were certain points when some of them talked about him and how could they let a murdered even stay here, he should be locked up. They called him names and shamed him, but Jisung never spoke up for himself.

He was always talking back to his father so why can't he talk back now?

There were few nice patients who tried including him in on stuff, but he always simply declined, he wanted nothing to do with anything or anyone.

He had no motivation, he always stared at the same plain, white walls in the main room, wondering what had gone wrong with himself.

Two more weeks had gone by which soon turned into months, and he has seen several patients come and go with an amazing amount of change in each one. Jisung himself though has only gotten worse.

He felt hopeless as if he was going through a dark tunnel that never ended, he kept thinking to himself why couldn't he just be normal?

He followed all the rules and did everything he was supposed to do. He ate most of his meals even though he never had an appetite which grew worse by the day. He went to the therapy sessions and did all the group activities, but the doctors could tell he wasn't improving.

Jisung wish he could say he just wanted to be at home, but he had no home to go to anymore, this place was now his home. He was told that his home was going up for sale and everything in it, after the place was cleaned up and was no longer a crime scene it was taken by the bank and then put on the market.

Felix, Hyunjin and Chan though had snuck in and grabbed whatever personal items of Jisung's and stuff they knew he would want and packed it up. Felix had held on to it for him whenever he was to be set free. Felix had tried to take some things to Jisung or simply visit him, but he declined any visitors.

Felix never gave up though, he always sent letters trying to cheer his best friend up and telling him about the outside life. Jisung kept all the letters but never replied to them. It however did not stop Felix from sending more and more. Felix and Hyunjin were now officially dating, and things were going well for the two. It was mentioned that Chan and Jeongin finally gave into their feelings and Chan was discovering himself with the help of his now boyfriend. All of them became close friends, even Changbin himself made life changing decisions who was now happily in a relationship with a sweet puppy like boy named Seungmin. Changbin had gotten away from his family and moved out who now lives with his boyfriend and is slowly becoming real friends with Chan and Hyunjin again.

But still no word on Minho.

Jisung was happy for everyone, and he wish he could say it brought a smile to his face, but he thought he didn't deserve to smile. He didn't deserve to even feel the emotion of being happy.

At first Jisung tried to act like he wanted to get better and put on a strong face but as the days went by, he simply dreaded each day and soon enough he had gotten to the point where he faked his way through. When he went back to his room for the night, he would break down instantly.

During therapy he would sit down on the cold hard leather couch and stare at the wall ahead of him. The therapist would try and ask him questions and try to tell him things that could help him and get him out of here sooner. Jisung stayed silent and that frustrated the therapist, trying to conceal it only lasted so long and Jisung knew the therapist was getting upset with him maybe even mad.

That's how it was now, everyone got mad and frustrated at him. The doctors, the nurses even the nicer patients were fed up and Jisung figured they would give up on him just like he did.

Soon enough so was Hyunjin's sister, who was once his friend in this place.

Just the other day he saw some patients get into a fight and it instantly reminded him of his father. The times when his father would beat him down with his fists and all the time, he threw harsh words at Jisung without any remorse. He could still feel the sharp pain of his father's hand punching his face, and sometimes his head would throb as he could still feel the intense blow he suffered from that night.

Ever since that day he saw the patients get into it, Jisung started waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat fearing that his father would be right by his bedside waiting to hurt him again.

Day by day Jisung was getting weaker and eating less, he was fragile and every time he tried leaving to go to his room he would be stopped. Few months in and Jisung had found something to try and keep himself sane, a broken plastic knife that he stole and sharpened.

He wanted to feel the pain, he would run his bony fingers over his scars where he once had clean perfect skin.

He tried to hide his cuts, but it was of no use especially when he was required to strip down to his boxers every fucking morning for his checkup. Seeing them made the doctors extra aware of Jisung and he hated it.

Sadly, it didn't last long, and he was on constant watch now.

Hurting himself helped in a way no one could understand. It made him feel whole oddly enough, but it also reminded him of something or rather someone.

The night he and Minho had finally slept together, and Minho told him to never hide his scars from him, that he was beautiful. Jisung would stay up late into the night wondering where he was or how he was doing. Most of all he wondered why?

Why did he walk away, why did he call him crazy?