People.

three

It's funny, how feelings can remain hidden inside. The same tiredness, the same anxiousness, exact same ambition.

I'm praying for courage and strength. Both of them are important and here's why.

Courage let's break boundaries, there are so many things I wouldn't think I'll ever do. The girl I was even six months ago would look at me with shock.

Sometimes life just makes you become strong. You get your armour and while asking for strength, you have to learn taking it off.

***
It's stupid, but probably every love story starts in this kinda way.

It was December, I still remember. I stood in the corridor, all of them were wrapping up their jackets, it was quite cold, even for me. I didn't know, what to say and my heart stopped, when he hugged me goodbye. Nothing special, he's like that with almost everyone, but younger me fell like a plum into a compote. Here you go, that's how I fell for someone I shouldn't, believing that I found my answer.

Rose noticed. In my living room, on the left couch, while I was walking from wall to wall. This "Okay, I guess I like Jake" was so strong, sounded so powerful... but I never was like that.

Even some people from our class noticed, but he didn't. That should also show me, that I should let it go. But I didn't.

***
I say hi to Leo and Maxon, Rose comes to Jacob, so I stand alone, but I don't mind. First time since so long I feel like I don't belong here again, like a third wheel.

If they don't want me there, I'm fine.

Every time I look at him, in his eyes I see everything I did just to catch his attention for a moment. No, I don't need his sympathy, I tell myself I don't, I just need myself back, my heart, which one day has tore apart. Therefore, I hope he's happy. Jake is a precious boy, he deserves all the best. Maybe some of his flaws I've seen can break me free from the aftertaste of this feeling.

He's standing next to me. Not that I was staring, but the edge of my eyes sees a name on the screen of his phone. I turn my head the opposite way. I'm not Elen and I should've accept that I will never be on her place.

Rose says something funny, so I laugh too, but I'm getting the joke when Michelle adds few more words. I've never felt like needing to belong somewhere, but I tasted the sweetness, don't expect me to like a bitter tear. I felt the freedom for a while and now I can't go without having my wings with me.

Nowadays I think like I don't fit them anymore, not like I ever did... I have no sense of self worth, but for sure I've got too big ego. I forgot, where I was going, hoping, that love will show me, how, but it doesn't solve the issue by itself. Sometimes you feel like falling even deeper.

Some things made me adapt to being alone, I rarely have the need to speak out loud, that's why I love the written word. I'm strange and complicated. Maybe once I'll explain, if I figure it out myself.

Now I have exams, lack of mental stability and huge social anxiety.

On history I sit with Michelle. I focus on making notes, cause professor is speaking just as he was rapping Yoongi's part in BTS' "I'm fine". I used to like history, and I hope it'll never change. I may be full of insecurity, due to to amount of material, but I love listening about older times, especially the beginings of Poland and our first prince and kings.

I get attached to people within a second. We had a good example of that last year.

She came here as an exchange student. I somehow overcame my anxiety and said hello. It was just four months and tons of memories, when she had to come back and I was crying my eyes off, can say. Now we're both so busy, that even exchanging messages is difficult - the time difference, you know.

People don't have to do much to get my trust. If they're nice to me, it's enough, and I can't stand this part of myself. If you give me the smallest compliment - I adore you. Another story...

I don't have the energy, to explain, why they don't talk with Milo nowadays... But I've noticed I'm always waiting for Michelle and Leo to come, just to feel like a third wheel... again. I'm not as straightforward, as Rose, I'm to serious sometimes.

Therefore, I had to understand, that not every love has to be two-sided, to be beautiful. I thought I needed him to shout straight to my face, that he'd never love someone like me, but the truth is, I need to find myself on my own.

You're woman, a definition of strength, Pauline. You don't need a boy to "save" you.

This time Jake didn't hug me as a goodbye and I'm very happy about that.