People.

fifteen

I stare at the sandwich and I feel like throwing up. I know this won't happen, but I can't force myself to chew this piece of bread.

You can do this, Pauline, you have to eat. Under no circumstances are you falling back into the state of not having more than four forced meals and maybe a coffee. Aren't you doing that again.

I sigh, and take another bite. Because I'm going off the medication, that has been keeping me calm and more mentally stable for the past ten months, I don't want to eat. I have more energy to do stuff, but sometimes just a thought about food makes me sick. Finishing up my breakfast will be a challenge, so I pray.

I finally take the last bite.

I check my phone; Maxwell replied to my text and it didn't take him three days, like before. It feels so unreal. I miss him and I'm sick of this feeling. I used to read our old conversations, but this only caused more heartache. When I told Rose, how I felt, she was like "so you're still texting him, seriously?" I know I should let go, but...- stop, girl, stop it, not again.

Not. This. Time.

I'm gonna end this.

***
If he cared, he wouldn't ignore me for a week.

I've never felt so alone. Not lonely, but alone. Rose seems to treat me like a piece of dust again, about Maxwell I don't even wanna talk about, and I just see how many people actually care. It all makes me question all of my relationships with my friend and sometimes I feel like I have only Jane left. But I'm gonna enjoy, what I have, even if this is just one sentence from Rose.

I text Jane back and I open my Bible. I need to calm down and figure out what to do. I know it will all be okay, look how far I've come, not by myself, but here I am. I didn't manifest this, I prayed for this, prayers have power, no matter if it's about small things or something huge.

I find an interesting part in Colossians, and the commentary also says a lot, just about these two verses. I can imagine explaining this to my friends, if only they'd want to... Do all Christians know, what Bible verse they'd read to their non-believer friends, if only they asked? Let me also do a word study in John chapter first. I'm a little Bible nerd.

I feel empowered and I go downstairs to the kitchen, in order to make myself more coffee. While I wait, I check my phone; our group is still silent, Maxwell hasn't read my reply. If you want and care, you can make some time, even if you're busy. Recently I've been talking more to Dutsani, being eight thousand kilometers away, in a different time zone, than to Maxwell, basically in the neighboring town.

It hurts, seeing "Active an hour ago" and then my unread message from six days ago. I wanted only honesty, or maybe it's too much.

I sigh, knowing it's time to let go. Pray, then let it go.

I pour some milk to the coffee, while our cat is watching me from the kitchen table. Somewhere inside I wonder, how would he react, if Maxwell was here. I imagine us vibing to the song, singing and getting ideas for writing from some random line we heard.

- What's up? - mom walks into the kitchen and she put the empty cub into the sink. - Another coffee? You're done with English?

- Yeah, it went pretty okay. I did the dishes and called grandma - I add, sipping on the coffee.

- Oh, that's nice, how is she? - she asks; were talking about dad's mother.

- Nice, they have another rose bush, grandma had a doctor's appointment today and everything is fine. - I answer - She met some of her friends when she was getting groceries. And of course asked about Maxwell.

- He didn't reply, did he?

- Sure he didn't. But grandma wats to know every detail - we laugh at my words and I hug mom, feeling lost inside.

- You need to treat him like a colleague, he may think you're mad at him or something, if you don't talk to him at all.

- But I tried - I notice - But if he can't even find ten seconds to reply... I still have some self respect. However, I'm trying to just be friendly, it's him who put this distance.

- Maybe he thinks it's less hurtful than telling you the truth face to face - mom claims. Even if he does, he causes me more pain by this silence, which I normally adore.

***
This time I don't feel like I've girl bossed a bit too close to the sun, as I felt right after confessing my feelings. This time I prayed.

I'm reviewing my Korean flashcards, but once now and then I consider, what I want to tell Maxwell in my next message, which will just express my disappointment and melancholy.

I feel that I'm closer to letting it go. I know that God has it all in control, I need to remind myself of that. Maxwell isn't the one, I have to move on. I stopped crying, it's fine unless some little things bring the memories back. But even though, what I do is I read my Bible. That's why I handle it pretty well.

Sometimes I can't help but feel alone, however, not lonely.

Even an introvert, a lone wolf, needs people a bit. I miss mine. I want the hilarious conversations with Rose, Michelle and Leo, voice messages with Dutsani and facetiming with Jane. I recall the times I used to sit with the first three and talk about something from the Bible, that was connecting to the thing we talked about before and the teacher walking around just looked at me with maybe curiosity, maybe surprised. I miss going to the coffee machine with Leo, Jake randomly joining our convos on the bench, studying together, when they thought I'm a genius I'm not, fangirling with Michelle over another kpop comeback or searching for raccoon memes with Rose.

But sometimes people are just for a season. When I go to this one shop, I see that place I stood at with Dutsani, helping her choose candies. The bus stop we ate ice cream at, the last table in the history class...