People.

eleven

I'm not jealous. I'm not. I can't.

I sound so vain, I know I do. I look in the mirror and try calm down. It doesn't mean anything, it doesn't.

Maxwell stands near. It seems like both of us seek to be around one another, even subconsciously. I like how he notices details. It's hilarious, how in one month we became closer than me and people I know since four years sometimes. It'll either be a blessing or a lesson.

He used my full name today and I felt something.

But being jealous because he acts so friendly with this other girl, is even more hilarious. She's almost five years younger than him, Paula, calm the fluff up. It's messed up, that I fell for him, just because he's nice to me. Or maybe it's something more.

In the "Jake era" I thought I can't feel jealousy, seeing Jacob with his girlfriend, it felt inappropriate. But the feeling was like a feedback. I missed my chance and it was hurting me. This could be me, but now I'm not sad about that. Now I want to laugh with Maxwell and philosophize.

I'm slowly coming back. I don't have much, but I have my faith and my heart. The best feeling is, when the friend you've been praying for, asks you religion related question. They and me, we are different, but respect is the key. Being in someone's thoughts is beautiful, but being in someone's prayers is even more precious. They're in mine.

Sometimes the silence can speak for you, just not everyone can hear it.

Platonic love is underrated. We chase after romantic relationships, which are, I guess, beautiful and good for you, if you have your special person, but love has different shapes. I love my family, I love my cat, my friends. With Rose I would share some braincell, if it was physically possible.

I'm so done, even though I had one of the best days this year. I should be happy, I'm 18 now, I have loved ones around, but my heart hurts so deep, that I can't figure it out.

It's an rollercoaster. One time I'm in darkness, and moment later in full light. One time I'm madly in love, and the next day I doubt, if it's worth it.

***
I'm not gonna make the first move again. I'm waiting for just one sentence, laying in bed, overthinking life. I read my Bible before getting ready to sleep.

Some little part of me is still hoping for something, but Maxwell remains silent. I want to talk to him so much, that it's squeezing me inside, but I can't be the only one, who cares. Now it's his turn. I can't give it all.

I wake up in a good mood, that sounds like a miracle. Jake, Leo and Michelle had a show this Saturday and our group chat is all about it. I send some raccoon memes and I fight the morning urge to lay in bed and complain about everything that didn't go well.

I'm thankful for me being able to get out of bed today, this is my little success.

After Bible study and breakfast, I sit with my textbooks and coffee, it's gonna be a long day... What friends do I actually have? Would they care if I cried out to them about what breaks my heart? Luckily, the prayer is the answer.

The best feeling is when the person you've been praying for asks you a question, after you mention something Bible related. My heart melts at these moments, really.

***
I'm in my bed, the day before start of the exams. I haven't talked to Maxwell since almost a week, since the last training. I'm sick and tired of it; when I see him, we can talk like we knew each other for years, but outside of our dance group - does he even care?

I gave it to the Lord. Before, I was worrying so much, that I reminded myself, that I don't have control over that. I only need to trust. I feel so much better.

Of course, I still wish Maxwell texted me, but I don't overthink it. I try to shine, cause a woman of God is beautiful. I'm far away from perfection, but I have this something in my heart and I'm really surprised I'm this calm, a day before end-of-highschool exam numer one. I feel peace.

Rose not reaching out since few days, but I give her space. When I think about it, I'm spending almost all day in my room, either reading, writing, learning, Bible studying or playing a video game. The beauty of being an introvert. Maybe I wish to invite Rose for a cup of tea, but I don't wanna to put more oil to the fire.

Humans are so complicated, that I maybe should write a thesis on it. I'm included in this group, of course, I don't understand myself neither, and that's okay.

***
I text Maxwell back after finishing the exam. One is done, eight more to go. I'm waiting for my mum, smiling at the phone.

- Paula, you're done already? - asks one teacher coming by. Her scarf is purple today. - How was it?

- Could be better, could be worse, but I think it will be okay. - I answer, wondering, why all of us freak out so much about it. Like Leo noticed, it's just an exam and piece of paper we'll need only to apply for university.

- So I see you're quite satisfied with it - miss Stone says, smiling at me; I have never seen her without this red lipstick on.

- I am.

- And what were the topics for the essay?

I answer briefly, before miss Stone has to go. Mum texts me, that she's almost there, so I take my things and go outside.

I run down the stairs, like I could fly through the air. I rush through the parking, and the relief I have inside is incredible.

- And how was it, you survived - mom laughs, while I sit down.

- Somehow I did - I say and mom hugs me for a moment. She gives me a little kiss on the cheek and turns off the radio.

- So, tell me everything! Shall we go for some ice cream?

Life is beautiful.

***
I take a deep breath, trying to steady my racing heart as I stand near Maxwell, thinking about how much I want to scream out all of my joy. The touch of his hands in mine sends shivers down my spine, and I can't help it. We've been dancing around each other for what feels like forever, and now, in this moment, it finally feels like something is shifting.

Maxwell and I continue to move on the dance floor, our bodies swaying to the rhythm of the music. It's like we're in our own little worlds, lost in the moment. If our lives were written in the pages of a romance novel, we'd be the slow-burn one.

As the music envelops us, Marina joins in, turning on a lively tune that amplifies the energy in the room. She stands next to May, and together, they start to dance with us. Laughter fills the air as every single one of us messes up the steps, stumbling over our feet and causing a cascade of giggles.

In the midst of the chaos, I find myself stealing glances at Maxwell, studying the curve of his smile and the way his eyes crinkle at the corners when he's genuinely amused. There's a connection between us that's undeniable, and it feels like the universe is aligning in this very moment, giving us a chance to explore what might be.

If he only knew how much I fell for him.

While we dance, the words in my mind come to life, echoing Rose's earlier words. She had sensed something between us even before I realized. She, Leo and Michelle were urging me to take a step further. And now, as Maxwell and I continue to move, I can't help but silently speak my desires, hoping that somehow he can hear them.

"She was right," I think to myself, the music swirling around us. "I want something more to happen."

As if he can read my thoughts, Maxwell's gaze meets mine. In that brief moment, the world around us seems to fade away, leaving only the two of us locked in an unspoken conversation. It's as if we're standing on the precipice of something extraordinary, and all it takes is a single leap of faith.

Or maybe it just means so much to me, that I feel this way.