People.

nineteen

Every family needs this one pre-mature, mentally unstable, over-ambitious, introverted daughter, and because I'm an only child, that looks like a job for me.

I took the bus from the place I used to avoid because of the memories. I went to another concert at the park (because my parents insisted on going) and I was looking around with "Maxwell [his surname], where are you? If only I see you there..." I had a complete plan of what I'd say. Desire of speaking it out loud was mixed with pain, I literally wanted to cry to some songs I was hearing for the first time.

I went to the gym by myself. Replied to one of the man's question; he's my dad's colleague, but I still barely blurted out a proper sentence.

Managed to complete the workout. Made eye contact with this cute guy I caught looking at me too. Yes, I'm actually in a state of mind where I can admit that a guy is physically nice and I don't feel like emotionless stone.

Finished writing and editing.

Didn't have a panic attack.

But don't compliment the day before the sunset.

I fell on my knees; words in my thoughts were going so fast, that I myself could barely get, what I even wanted to say, but I know Jesus knows. I felt the peace of God filling me. I also know that not everyone will understand the feeling I describe. But I hope you do. Sometimes you're out of words, you have no idea, what to say. You kneel, you start praying, you sigh... Bestie, let me remind you, that God knows it all. He knows hearts.

With some areas of my life I may think: "I thought that God was in it, so why did it turn out that way?", but know that people's rejection is God's protection.

That's how I cope with the 'Maxwell issue'. It seems that it was just meant to go that way.

***
I'm mad, to be honest and specific. The atmosphere in this house is depending on one person, who is now annoyed by everything and everyone, so I sit in my room, as always.

Next week our dance class starts again. I will see Maxwell for the first time in three months and I wait for this moment to come. After all, I miss him, though I don't want to. Some part of me wants to hug him and believes that it's not totally lost. In the same time, I don't see anything with him. Things happened, I can't consider him a friend, not even a close college - you don't treat your close ones the way he did it with me.

Back from therapy, I'm seeing Michelle tomorrow. I don't need Maxwell, when I have other people around. Though I miss him, that's a different story.

I was just seeking attention, I've enjoyed each time he complimented me, I put the reasons for it, maybe even subconsciously, like sending him a photo from my birthday in cat cafe - I didn't expect him to say I look good there, but telling him I dyed my hair - sure I hoped to get his opinion. I wore my favorite leather jacket to the dance class some time ago, because I knew he'd have a similar one.

He himself once said that you can't show weakness to the world in every step.