People.

seven.

I still remember, this pain from December. The day I felt something so simple, but very complex at the same time. I still see the moon shining, me raising my head to look him in the eyes, his black jacket... Enough, girl, enough.

Seeing Jake with Ellen on an Instagram photo doesn't change anything and you have other things to do in life, like studying, languages, books and making coffee. Jake is just a stupid feeling from the first year.

I wonder, if I crave his feelings, or only the nice memories I have about him?

I watch him laughing with Rose and I go back to a book I was reading. It's all better sometimes to hide in an imaginary universe between the pages. That's why I write - for comfort.

- What ya reading? - asks Leo, probably the only guy I'm for sure comfortable with.

I show him the cover with a smile. Did I mention that I'm socially awkward?

- Another romance. I don't know why I still make myself an illusion. - I shrug my shoulders - It's like imagining something I may never have.

I don't know, why I'm saying it, but with him I can be honest.

- You will, but even alone you'll be fine, dude. If a guy doesn't like you, he's just stupid. Or blind. - says Leo and I almost blush.

- Thanks for believing in me so much, but the reality is no other. You wanna come to my birthday? - I change the topic, knowing that my parents will be disappointed, cause I'm not gonna throw a party. Therefore, I'm inviting four people in total to watch Heartstopper, make cookies and Korean snacks.

- Of course, where and when? - he has stars in his eyes. I love his energy and the vibe. Some words are just like an inside joke that only us, Rose and Michelle get. I may have friends in them, but I feel like I didn't let them know me in one hundred procent.

- My place, in two weeks on Saturday at five, lots of Korean food, good coffee and pool time - I answer, glad that I changed the topic.

- Amazing, I'll come. Thanks for giving me almost no time to get you a present - he smiles and then the professor comes.

***
May I be forgiven, please? With all of my heart, I hope it will.

Things go surprising ways, like a cat. Someone said that animals were created like that by the Heavenly Father, so that we could see, that love is not only words, but actions - that's why our pets can't speak.

But I still sometimes imagined how would it be, to have a conversation with my cat.

We tend to focus so much on the vision, forgetting, what we already have.

***
I lay under the duvet, waiting to know, what'll happen next. I hug my cat before the dream.

My room. My bed, surprisingly is not a mess. My head lays on Jake's shoulder, I can feel every breath of us. I'm a monster, I can't let go.

- What is running through your thoughts? - he asks, but I can't answer. Or do I?

- I'm just so amazed, this doesn't feel real - I say, but I'm broken. - How's the art club? You ave an exhibition this week, right?

- Yeah, on Wednesday. Mr. Mitchels gave us almost two hundred pages to cover.

- Hilarious, in two days? I knew he was a bit insane, but still. - I peacefully stroke his cheek, feeding my loneliness with what I can't have.

- We should get used to it, right?

- Maybe. Just a few months and we're having new beginning. I'm thrilling to get out of this city.

- That's what scares me the most. - even though, he smiles. I don't know where I've lost myself, to fall so deep into something, that is just a plastic gold.

***
I raise my head up, hearing Jake saying my name. I feel out of place, like, I could be at home now and no one would notice. I got used to it, but it still hurts.

- Did Michelle told you why she's absent today? - Jake asks, putting his hands into pockets of his jeans.

- Yeah, she's a bit sick. - I answer and that's it. I smile at Rose, when Jacob goes to talk with Jason.

- Why are you so rosey? You were over him, like, ages ago - my dear friend notices. I don't know, how to explain it, cause I don't even understand myself.

- Well, I suppose I might not. - I sigh - When I saw him and Ellen at the party together, my heart broke. I saw their photo on Instagram and I felt like crying. I dunno why. I'm happy for him having a girl who loves him and vice versa. I want nothing but his happiness, therefore I'm still hurt in this strange way.

When I end this elaboration, Rose looks at me, lifting her eyebrows and blowing the air out. I know, it was like a bomb. I'm not that honest most of the time. I talked it with my therapist, and once I get over my mental illnesses and this feeling to Jacob, it's over for y'all, mates.

- A bomb, bestie - she answers - You're in a black dot, you know. This probably sucks, if you still love him.

- I didn't say that, it's just a feedback from myself, saying, that I'm hurt and some part of me wants a relationship.

- Wow, Pauline Jane, I see that therapy works, you can girlboss - she stands, adjusting her glasses - Character development, really.

- I finally don't look like cat got my tongue, when I'm around Jake. - I add proudly - Now I'm gonna go focus on more important things. Let it hurt, let it go, or something.

I truly want to get myself together. Let's make "a chance" an empty word. World is such a beautiful place, even though, sometimes when I stop my eyes on it, I can't stand it. But there's no similar sights, no the same days, the one and only treasure a person has, is the present. The rest either is a history, or hadn't come yet.