People.

eighteen

The scheme is simple. I fall for him, he has someone else, I'm hurt, I see their photo on Instagram, I'm aching even more. Maxwell isn't an exception. He posted a portrait photo of his girlfriend and I left a like. I have some kind of wild satisfaction because of it.

In some areas I'm sure I live in an answered prayer.

I've come to a place where I'm not mad at Maxwell, I just miss him. Three beautiful months of, as I thought, understanding, connection, happiness. I didn't have the chance to hug him, sad. But I'm not crying, that's an accomplishment.

I don't know if I want to get myself into feelings for anyone else. It's a great form of medicine for a broken heart, as it was after Jacob, but right now I'm tired. I'm just waiting for when it's time, maybe I'll come across someone who'd care enough to chase my attention, like I did many times. Girl, know your worth, you're made fearfully and wonderfully. Psalm 139.

If it's not good, God's not done.

Things happen for a reason. I feel isolated, but at some points it doesn't bother me as much as in the beginning. I've just realized that I don't fit my friends and their circles. I still love them, sure, but sometimes I simply don't know how to talk with people my age. I'm socially awkward, okay? Nevertheless, me being alone, it has a purpose.

I often go to cafes, planning to study. Everytime I bring the dishes back, the cafe lady smiles brightly; today I did the same in the other cafe in city center; human smile makes my heart smile. Small things like this, or leaving a tip, others' happiness makes me happy. In Poland we don't tip, almost never. You technically can leave your cup and plate on the table. I chose kindness. It doesn't cost you anything.

I didn't go to the party Michelle threw. I don't have words to describe how much my dad was urging me to go, hey, I'm not like everyone in everything, I don't go out, like they did when they were my age, okay?

***
I'm after three mental breakdowns. After the day in the city and buses, I didn't do the main thing I had to, just the reality of Polish administration. Five hours for nothing. I had to go home by foot, I was somewhere between shouting and crying. I prayed and managed to go. When I thought I can't do it anymore, luckily my mom came by car to get me.

While I was walking, I saw some guy on his bicycle. From far away, he looked a bit like Maxwell, or maybe I'm overexadurating, cause I miss him so much. It's not crying and breaking apart anymore, it's just simple... longing. I've felt like I belonged. A little bit. I caught the pieces with my tiny fingers, and this sand slipped from my hands.

One moment I want to dance, the second one I feel like sobbing a bit, or both at the same time sound best. We were heading to a bus stop, he was walking on the side closer to the street, smiling at me. And the thought of him, that comes outta nowhere, because of any small thing, I end up missing him more or less. I feel the lack of our long conversations and laughter.

Nevertheless, I try to stand up. Maybe I'll get a job, I hope to pass the theory test for driver's license, though I'm freaking out. All the love songs sound so sad, I feel so vain, I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm quite distant from my friends, I feel the season of isolation. But at least I had more time; I read my Bible and I was able to spend one and a half hour on one chapter if I needed to. Also, I write like a crazy, my books are growing pretty quickly.

But some stubborn part of me wants to see Max. Not to fall into his arms or anything. This is how I imagine our first meeting after summer: I come in and say only "hi". No more shy smiling or blushing. I'm slimmer, my hair are freshly dyed, I have my most classy clothes on and car keys in my hand. I want to see his reaction. If he asks "what's wrong?" I have one answer. "You should know yourself. I asked only for honesty and even that seems to be too much". Respectfully and strong. I can't count how much I prayed about being healed from this feelings and I think I am; for sure I'm better. I'm more like "Rainy days" than "Good 4 u" or "Spring day".