People.

seventeen

I stop staring at the window and look at my therapist. Miss Jessica is, as always, giving me this kind, comforting gaze. I really admire her for coping with all of the things I say here, she could see how much have changed, actually.

- And that's it - I say - I ended up going back from a walk, throwing stones into the field with Rose. - I feel that I have tears in my eyes. What miss Jessica always tells me: emotions are like feedback.

- You know, Paula, it's totally understandable that you feel so sad - she says exactly what I feel like I needed to hear - You're in the type of time in your life, when many things change: highschool graduation, university perspectives, being separated from friends, and now also this boy... what was his name, again?

- Maxwell. - I answer without my heart aching. That's an accomplishment.

- See, I suppose that Maxwell was your first serious crush - she claims, puting emphasis on the word "serious".

- That's right - I nod. With Jake, I didn't even know Jake that well, when I got feelings for him. With Maxwell, the story is different. I dare to say, that this was love, but I've said all other times too.

- So that's completely understandable and normal for you to feel that way. I myself remember my first teenage love and how I cried, when he was moving out - miss Jessica laughs warmly - These emotions are important, Paula. And you have a right to feel like this, and I'm not surprised at any point, that you do. You felt so close to him, it's totally normal to feel some sort of grief and loss. Change is often uncomfortable, but necessary.

Sometimes people say things that sound obvious, after you analyze it, but that's something you need to hear.

***
When going to sleep, I didn't expect to have a dream about Maxwell. It happened before, and in that dream I was his wife already, we were going to watch a football match with Micah. Maxwell's arm was around my shoulder, and our hands met on my belly - looked like a fourth or fifth month. I knew it was a daughter, whom I wanted to name Natasha or Rode. I had this dream before I sent Maxwell the poem.

Today, however, I can say that it was painful.

I see Maxwell's smiley face, angelic eyes and this black jacket he used to wear to our dance class now and then. It's evening, only a few street lights, we go down a road I know, but I haven't been going here often.

- Something is troubling you - he stands, without any question tone in his voice. Am I that obvious? He said it in reality, too. I ensured I'm okay, just overwhelmed, though I wanted to scream out my all tangled up feelings.

- I expected only honesty, or is it too much? - I answer, maintaining eye contact. I'm proud of myself for the second thing. - You could, and even should've, told me that you have a girlfriend.

- Me and her weren't together officially.

- What does it change? You decided to ignore me, instead of rejecting me face to face!

- Paula, I... I didn't wanna hurt you.

It's dark in this part of the street and I'm freaking out. I come closer and grab Maxwell's arm, I feel a bit calmer. He looks at me from behind the glasses, but he only smiles and doesn't say anything.

The next day, when it's still sunny, I stand before my doors. Maxwell is behind me. I turn back. He takes one step closer.

- Sorry about yesterday - I say quickly - I was scared of darkens and I felt safer with you.

- That's fine, I like hugging you. - he answers and leans forward. He places his hand on the wall above my head and kisses me on the lips.

All I wanted is here, but some part of me knows that this isn't true and the painful reality here differs. Sure, I miss him. And I feed my feelings with this dream. I miss him so much.

It's so peaceful, delicate and beautiful, as I have him close.

But then I wake up in my bed, with my heart aching.

***
It's been days. I tried to forget. I write, I took a language exam, I study, though I'm on holiday, I hang out with Rose sometimes, I prepare to take driver's license test. Today I sit in the living room with mom, and Ivi is playing with the toy mouse he found under the table.

- This one song reminds me of him. - I say, cause the whole evening I was mad. Something in my chest hurts. - I miss him. And I'm mad about this.

- What would you tell him, if you met him, one on one? - asks mom, hugging me, of course. The answer is difficult.

- I don't know. Probably, that after I opened up, I expected honesty too. Simple as that. And why didn't he just tell me that straight into face? Why did he decide to ignore me, though he told me nothing changes? "Don't worry, nothing changes between us, and don't be sorry about your feelings". But it did, as fluff. I miss what we had before. I won't tell him, how hurt I feel, I'm not gonna give him this satisfaction.

- It's better to say it, to talk about your feelings, and that you are upset about it. I don't know him that well, so I can't tell, why he's like that. But in one thing you're right; even if he was to reject you, he should've done this openly, face to face. Angel, I know it hurts, but you'll have to accept that he won't be even your friend.

- I wanted at least that, and simply honesty. Fluff it. I miss our long conversations, I miss him. I'm fighting myself not to text him, after what he's done. - I sigh; I'm mad about this desire to reach out to Maxwell, even after all of this.

- As he has a girlfriend now, it couldn't be the same as before, my sweetheart.

I sigh again. Everytime something good happens, something inside me wants to grab my phone and let him know. I want to know, how he's doing, how was the exam season, did he write anything new? We opened so much, like beautiful flowers, and now he closed the petals. I'm not ready for it.