People.

eight

I read through the textbook, almost completely ignoring Jacob sitting few centimeters away. I'm getting good at it, probably. I vibe to the song in my head, I don't need attention.

Michelle and Leo are talking with Jake, and Allie disappeared for a moment. I, as always, sit here like a shadow, I should be used to that. Maybe some inner part of me wants to be appreciated. Maybe.

- I'm going out with Ellen - I hear Jake saying. I almost forgot it's Valentine's day and I'm alone.

- Cool, any specific plans? - Leo asks. I go back to studying, but with one ear I hear the talk.

- I'm taking her to eat out and we're probably going to walk here and there in the city, just chilling.

I wish someone took me dancing in the rain, or walked with me down the street, holding hands. Maybe I wish it was Jake. Now, stop dreaming and focus on reality, Pauline.

Valentine's day could not be there and I wouldn't notice. At least I wouldn't have to hide in my room, listening to sad kpop songs and crying over my life. That'd be really awesome.

***

We run down the street in the middle of rain, both laughing, he's holding my hand and still, I think about the sad reality. I can't even appreciate this little dream, cause I feel like it's not okay.

- Paula - he smiles at me, and the way he says my name is the sweetest in the world - My Valentine - he meets my eyes, before I put my head down, blushing - So, this card in freshman year was from you, huh?

- It was. I tried my best for you not to notice, I was literally sitting next to you! - I laugh, reminding myself, how hilarious it was.

He pulls me close and kisses my forehead. 

My heart melts. I stand on my toes to kiss him and get lost in the moment, untill I have it.

In reality, I never had a boy that'd like to kiss me.

He takes his jackets off and wraps ot up around my shoulders. It fits perfectly. He then puts our lips together, I'm on a cloud nine.

I feel like a traitor, but these short moments are my comfort. I shouldn't, but I can't let go of ilussion of my realized hopes.

***
I see him today in this jacket he got me in the dream. I have to cope with this selfish pain. Why do I always fall for someone I can't have?

This could be me, but it's not, that's what it's all about! I can't let it be, cause I have issues, I'm jealous of this girl standing by his side, where at the same moment I feel nothing but joy for his smile. Only if he knew how I am tearing my heart apart, so that I could be happy for him.

She's all I wanna be, but I finally looked in the mirror and found something more than pathetic ugliness and weakness of myself. In fact, I'm strong, I have scars, I have beauty of some kind he doesn't understand.

But this could be me. I can let it hurt, but not let it go.

He will come to the party with Ellen. I only go, because Leo invited me, normally I would hide in my cave and study. But this time I'm going to have fun sitting in the background, enjoying the process of people watching, playing this song in my head. I will rule the dance floor, I take classes for some reason. I don't need any guy to make me feel special. Or maybe I do. I wish I didn't.

Sometimes words fall more deeply than feelings. I still remember, what he said, though he completely didn't have to. Maybe he was trying to be nice, because I'm Rose's friend, but one sentence he told me is a light for my self-belief.

***
Jake: heyy Paula where r u? everything ok?

Paula: I felt a bit under the weather, I'm back home, it's fine now  

Jake: ok we all were just wondering where you disappeared

Paula: didn't think of letting anyone know 😅

Maybe because I thought no one cares. But I will not say it out loud. I appreciate it, that he asked. I should have more faith in people. Maybe I'm a bit selfish this way.

Paula: also, could you please send me the notes?

Jake: sure

I was scared to ask, to be honest. I may better stay in my room and study, to not feel like a failure. I have issues, come on, Paula, get in, little loser, we're going to therapy.

***
To make it clear, feelings are completely okay. I'm not that smart, I'm just quoting my therapist. I thought I have no right to be jealous, cause I was never in relationship with Jake, so why would I feel this way? But even though, I was kind to Ellen, and didn't do anything unfair or mean to her. We coexisted, with unspoken words in my mind. So, in conclusion, it is really okay.

It means something, it's always like a direction sign, a very, very clear information: you want to be loved, maybe you want to have this kind of relationship with someone, you think that you need it, maybe you do, and maybe it's about this one person....

Let me tell you, looking at their picture on Instagram doesn't help. Neither does crying form regret, when feelings feel like too much at the moment.

But for sure, it's pain.

Imagine. Praying for someone to be happy with someone else, while aching like having six knives in the back by just thinking of them, I believe it means you truly loved with all of your heart. It's healing. Slowly, but healing.

***
I run straight to him, I was waiting to hug him for a whole three lessons. He's wrapping his arms around me, lifting me up a bit.

But let's be real, he's that kind to everyone, I'm not the only one he'd hug goodbye.

Paula, stop dreaming, stop having the illusion. It's gonna hurt.

- My cutie - he smiles at me - Your speech on history was awesome.

- Thanks, nice to hear - I smile honestly - I was freaking out, now everything just came out of me.

- Noticeable, you've been having eyes on matches for past week - he claims, while I still hug him, but he doesn't complain.

- Nothing new - I shrug my shoulders, afraid that he won't fully understand.

- Really, give yourself a break, you look so sad and tired - he says it with so much care, that it blows my mind.

- As always, but I got out the depressive episode before Rose's birthday, I'm getting better - I ensure, maybe let's change the topic. - How's your little sister and her show? - I ask. In reality, I remember some small facts about him; I remember, how many pets he had, his sister's name, his favorite cartoon and music taste. I tried to be everything he likes, hoping that it'll change something.

- It went great. She was afraid about forgetting the lines, but it all was just wonderfull. She did a great job. - he smiles, mentioning his younger sister. I've never met her, but he mentions her from time to time. - And my parents want to meet you.

He ads this so spontaneously, that I have a small mind lag. I'm not prepared either mentally or physically.

- When? How much time do I have?

- This Sunday? Mom invites for lunch.

- Jacob, it's Thursday, thank you for giving me no time to make myself look like s decent human being. - I laugh nervously. He looks at me with a smile and kisses me long and emotionally.

- You are a decent human being, they'll love you.

- I hope you know, what you're saying - I smile, feeling okay first time in a while.

- You little, have some faith in yourself.

Maybe I should quit, would it be fair?

I once thought, what if he's the one. But it was before he was with Ellen and before I was broken.