People.

four.

I had a dream, where I was going back home, sitting by the window in the same bus. I saw them, arguing quite seriously. Jacob tried to stay calm, but Ellen lost her temper. At the nearest stop she got out, telling him that she doesn't want to talk to him anymore. I felt my heart breaking in two - in reality I knew that Jake loved her with all of his heart.

He noticed me and sat by my side.

- I'm sorry, that it went this way. - I say, not knowing, what to tell him, I'm not good at comforting people.

- It's okay, it happens. - he answers, putting his hands together. - This was like an avalanche, that just needed one touch to go down.

- I get, things pick together for too long and the volcano explodes. - I nod, my heart hurts for the pain in his eyes.

- It's so messed up - he sighs - Milo is strange nowadays, a moment and he'll be pissed off with everyone in the class, I swear.

- Hard to not notice - I agree, but I let him speak, maybe it'll help.

- I know he made Rose and Leo feel hurt, I really know. Even Ellen has been telling me this. She got jealous about our mutual friend, but when I tried to explain... you saw the rest.

- I saw, and I'm really sorry.

If I was about to say it in reality, I would do the same. But then I woke up, went to this circus called school, and during the second break Jacob mentioned Ellen and I remembered myself, that it was just a dream. Good for them, that it was just a story made up by my brain.

I got the highest grade for history test. I'm happy for a moment, but also stressed because of Polish essay. I want to go home and hide in my room, watch Heartstopper, listen to kpop and dance my cringy choreographies.

I laugh cause of the joke, that Leo had said, I feel Rose laying her head on my shoulder; she knows I'm the pillow to hug in this group. Michelle smiles at us. Maxon walks by without a word (who knows, why), so Jake and Milo stand it's better to ignore it, and probably only they know, what's going on. Rose sighs, but she changes the topic and starts telling us about how we share one braincell sometimes and why we thought we had superpowers, when we made cupcakes in the microwave at the age of thirteen.

I still feel like a third wheel, but I got used to it. When I come back home, mum is still working, so I make us a coffee, before I start work.

***
Rose: you have any notes about baroque??

Me: sure, gimme 5 mins

When I stand at her door, I see Jake inside and I don't really care. I have other things to do with my life, than only chasing after a taken guy.

I sit at my desk again, wondering if it all makes sense. Crying at the history textbook? Done. Three mental breakdowns? As always. Feeling lonely and numb? Sure.

I make dinner, before dad comes back. I'm not in the mood to talk with anybody, so after fee minutes I go upstairs. I hear my parents discussing about work and upcoming Christimas, they wish I'd go somewhere with my friends, but I think I'll pass, even if someone suggests something.

***
When I go to sleep, I see the same dream I had the night before.

Jake walks me home. He said he has to wait for the right bus, so we spent the whole way talking about last math test, and stressing out about it. He mentioned Ellen once, but probably the talk cheered him up.

- So, how long have you been friends with Rose? - he asks, looking at me from the back, I swear, these ocean eyes are able to charm everyone.

- Over a decade, probably about twelve years or so. - I answer - And how about you and Leo?

- I've met him on the School Introduction Day, and it all went on, when we turned out to be in one class. But you also seem to get along with him.

- Yeah, since this school year, a bit.

We're on my street he knows really well, since he's friends with Rose. It's so silent, only some birds, far away, singing a song known only by them. The sun is slowly coming down, and the sky is painted with colors so beautiful, that it goes through all my bones.

I stop by the gate, looking towards him. If I were honest, maybe it'd be different, but I have different diamonds to chase.

- Hope everything will be okay with you and Ellen. - I say, truly - See you tomorrow.

I barely hear his "bye" when I run to the doors. I was the girl he never wanted, so I started the way of becoming a girl he could never have.

***
The next day feels so long, that I can't even focus on history class. I study during the breaks, write till my hand hurts, just to hope that I'll get the score I want.

Sometimes I miss Her, being at the second part of the globe.

I tell my mom that I got 4. She's delighted, but I'm not.

- How about the New Year's Eve? - dad asks. - Any plans?

- Staying in my four walls and reading. - I reply, while hugging the cat.

- Paula, really? - mom sighs quietly - What will it do to you, if you meet up with some friends?

- I'd rather be alone.

- Maybe you'll change your mind - dad answers with a smile - Tomorrow we're going to see aunt Dorothy, we'll get back before ten.

- Fine. Rose, Jacob and Michelle are coming to finish the history project. - I inform them and decide to make myself another coffee.

***
Jake is sitting next to me at German class, cause Maxon is absent, what is going on? I ask, how's it going, and he smiles nostalgically.

- Will be fine with time. - he shrugs his shoulders - Nothing to debate on. Please say you understand something form the last topic.

- What you don't get?

- This one - he points on the table in the textbook. - No matter, how much I try to listen to miss Violet, I still feel like I could only draw a blank.

- It's all about changing this "a" to an "a" with the dots. Here you do the same with "u". - I explain, as Allie always says, like I was talking to a three-year old toddler.

- And that's it? - he raises his eyebrows. I nod; the expression of being surprised makes him look to funny. - Okay, maybe I'm not as screwed as I thought.

- Come on, you'll do well. You need to conjugate it as it's normally done, and put the second verb at the end.

- Thanks. You're literally saving my life. - he smiles at me and he looks stunning. - Do you think you'll have time to help me prepare for the test?

- Sure, I'm going to the cafe with Rose, so we can take ourselves on a "study date" together. She won't have anything against you joining us.

What did I just say? "Study date"? I tried inviting him, when we were in the freshman year, and it didn't go well, but I still remember that day I'd embarrassing myself.

- Cool. Thanks.

***
I see the leaves passing by the window. I'm going at Michelle's this New Year's Eve, but now I'm stressing out about the tests that we have tomorrow and I can't fall asleep.

Maybe the two pieces looking for each other are not always meant to stay together. May we shall teach ourselves a lesson that our life couldn't.