People.

twenty two

I've come to a conclusion, that sometimes you need to respectfully speak up and stand up for yourself, for two good reasons, beside the one that you deserve at least some basic respect as a human being. Firstly, it works and sometimes if you don't put something rogut before someone's eyes, they simply won't notice. Secondly, their reaction shows you what kind of person they are - you may think you know them as well as yourself, but their response to any form of criticism will reveal to you, if the image you've had was true. "You will know them by their fruits", right.

So, basically, I took my own advise, which I actually formed some time after taking the steps.

I did it, I texted Maxwell. It was valentine's day and subconsciously I wanted to move on from some things that day. He didn't reply to my monologue at first, so, little Pauline, panicked and wrote something like "sorry, maybe I shouldn't have been writing that, didn't think that it may be awkward".

Then, ladies and gentlemen, we have Rose. She, indeed, did reply. And I sat on the couch with my mom, playing Uno, complaining, crying a bit and knowing that it's over. Rose was one of my favorite chapters, so I hope she sometimes smiles while quoting our mutual pages, but at this point I don't even want to see her. It hurts, knowing that the person you once told everything, now has no idea about you and vice versa. I acknowledged what was wrong from my side and said sorry. Expected the same, honestly just understanding, but it's not worth it if you have to give arguments for why you're hurt and if someone isn't valuing that, saying that it has no foundation or is taken out of nowhere.

She was my favorite person, my almost-twin, we shared all the years from childhood to early adulthood and see, what's left now.

I don't wanna be bitter towards her, though hurt stays deep inside and I have to live through this, before it, being now a bleeding cut, turns into a wound.

I kinda saw it coming. I was returning to the same place over and over again, hoping for a change. Cause people change, I thought, we both changed. I hoped I'd be a different person.

Now I'm sitting at my desk, staring at the screen of my laptop. Two days later, Maxwell repiled.

"Sorry for responding that late. I feel sorry that our contact broke off too, I have seen that you have some deeper feeling for me and I didn't wanna give you hope for anything, please forgive me".

And my heart broke another time. No, feeling like in pieces, with six knives in my back at the same time wasn't enough. "It's fine, I don't blame you for that", I text him back, "I just thought that you'd tell me that clearly and we could forget that anything happened. But now I see that this thing with my poem could be strange for you cause then we have known each other since barely few months, so I'm sorry if it was ever awkward at any point. Now I'm glad, cause I have all of the happy memories and I'm grateful that I could experience them. And thank you for replying, it means a lot to me".

I come back to the message a week later, in the evening, when it's his birthday, saying "a bit late, but happy birthday :)". I don't have to wait long this time, even if that's just a "thanks", may he know that I'm thinking about him and that he is still in the little part of my heart. Moreover, to the previous message he replies "no worries, you have nothing to be sorry about, and I'm grateful too".

***
I sigh, standing at the corridor, waiting for the only class of the day. Here comes Nina, carrying her backpack with a colorful flower pattern. She looks tired as well.

- Morning - she says, standing next to me.

- Hi. So, how was your writing? - I ask, referring to the essay she had to write for student exchange. We're taking different programs, going to different countries, but I really hope it comes to pass.

- It's almost done. Just gonna read through it once again and it'll be fine. Hopefully.

- Good, finally the last sprint - I smile, happy that I have a chance to talk to her after few weeks when I felt like a third wheel everywhere, but also she was probably way more busy, due to the exchange preparation.

- Yeah, it was a lot of stress, so I'm very glad it's almost over. Luckily they gave us a little bit more time than usual. Oh, by the way, you saw what Delliah assigned us? - she asks; a profesor, who surely doesn't like our whole group, decided to give us almost fifty pages of reading. It's a big chunk of words, a pillar of text and everything is a chaos, basically. Yep, Indonesian history is interesting, untill you have to cram, afraid that professor Delliah may do an unannounced test unexpectedly.

- I saw. Tried to read through it but it's all a mess. - I stand, sighing. - Am I the only one who can't get anything out of it?

- Same. I'm, like, three pages in and I have no idea, how and when we came from the Portugals to sultanats and some battles.

- Yeah, just... how.

I've felt empty for a long time. It's not the matter of me being scared to talk to people anymore. Most of the times. Now I simply decide that sometimes I don't wanna talk to anyone. But now I do. Rare moment, but yes.

***
I take out the cupcake I prepared and give it to Nina.

- Happy birthday! - I hand in the cupcake to her - I didn't know if you like those.

- I surely do, thanks so much! - she hugs me and takes the paper off the cupcake - That'll be my motivation to get through the essay. I have like... -she looks at her phone - Twenty five minutes.

- It's doable, only the things from page fifty four. - I say and pull out my phone, in order to do some work. Since the second semester started, I've been almost living at my desk, so I use every minute I have to do something in advance.

I've noticed that I coped with the dilemma. Our classrooms are the only place where I don't see Rose in every little detail, as I do at our town. Something in me starts to feel guilty for trying to live a normal life after the friendship breakup, but then I ask myself "girl. What reaction of yours would be satisfying to you? The wrost breakdown you had in January, when even mom was shocked by the state I fell into? The tears after party at Michelle's, when Rose seemed to treat me like the air?" - to be honest, I don't know, what the answer may be. This something wants me to ache so bad that I can barely breathe, praying for a way out of that pain. Maybe then I would be satisfied with my reaction to things.

I was sobbing like a baby for a good month or so. I was even called "inconsequential" for crying over that friendship after I was mad and said that I don't think I wanna talk to her in the nearest future. Called "inconsequential" straight into face, while I'm bawling my eyes out, feeling like I've lost a piece of myself. Would you still tell me I don't know, what pain is, the one whose eyes I've inherited?

I'd have a lot to tell my younger self if I could, but one of the things I would start with, would be quoting Kim Taehyung: "you are too young to let the world break you".

I pray that my pain may be turned into beautiful testimony one day.