People.

twenty

I come under a shower and I try to stop my tears. I don't want to cry for such a reason.

He didn't show up, nor did Micah or Clarisse. But Maxwell is the strongest point causing my aching.

I bet he doesn't even realize, what he did.

I found out his girlfriend's name is Stacey. Now I at least know who is making him smile, who's where I wanted to be. I emphasize the past tense here. Now I don't expect anything. It hurts, bit we need to have some sort of dignity.

***
I haven't heard from Rose fur the past month, she's still offended, I guess. If only I knew, why she's mad, but I'm used to it. Silence was always my sword. It feels like she came just because she needed something, but at least we had a normal conversation. It doesn't change the fact that I feel that I'm loosing friends, like none of them cares.

Yes, I will meet new people, but I want my league. (Crying)

***
University started. I had my expectations, but I faced reality. I needed to escape the mindset of "it was supposed to be so cool". The second day I came to class, upset, cause I don't have my dream group of uni mates and I'm not having the time of my life. This way of thinking is harmful, cause if you don't meet your expectations in the first few days, you feel like it's going to be bad the whole time.

But things turn out to be better than we expect sometimes, though not immediately.

I was so painfully alone, but the next day my crying was heard.

One girl came and talked to me, I joined a convo, though I was scared, I guess I let people like me a bit.

Last week Clarisse came to the dance class, so some part of me hopes to see Maxwell soon as well. I don't know, if it'd hurt me, but I want to see him. I miss him in the simplest way. I'm hurt but I don't blame him, I'm not bitter. He did me wrong, but it happened, sometimes people change in front of us so much that we can't recognize them.

***
I'm doing pushups, I'm almost done with my workout. I've done forty out of fifty, just a little bit... the song in my headphones is giving girlboss vibes, I'm actually counting the pushups in German, I'm surprised, cause I had a Korean class today but technically my mind should think in Polish.

One guy I saw while entering, looked like Maxwell from the back - curly hair and similar height. My heart pounded with hope, but just a moment later I saw that it was just some boy I have actually noticed few days ago.

It's sad and hilarious, that missing someone can go that deep.

Tomorrow is going to be really stressful. Full day of classes, workout, things to do, things to study.

I'm so tired.

***
I literally run when I see the green light. Luckily I'm on time, now just twenty minutes to the next stop, one hour in a bus and walking few streets home. Mom gave me some money for the tickets, hopefully it's enough for the next week, maybe two. Sometimes (literally every few hours) I wonder what am I doing in uni and in this major, that I actually wanted. It's not my dream one, but I like it. Despite that I don't know what I'm doing with myself, sitting in these lectures.

Every breakfast is a little challenge and I'm still not loosing weight. I look in the mirror and despite months of exercise and my very small desire to eat, my belly still looks like a packed bag of potatoes. I try not to be so hard on myself, cause I'm living in stress already, but some days it's too much to be kind to myself.

I don't talk for hours, but in my mind there is ongoing monologue going on and on.

I don't know how, but I'm again in the bubble, where I don't remember how to talk to people and make friends.

I don't need Maxwell. After such a time my wound is fine, or better at least.

The story just begins.